Nick: See, this is the future of closets automated, intelligent
Jay: That's what they said about the "mood closet" in the '70s, and I buried them.
Nick: Very cranky.
Claire: Yes, but he has earned the right to be cranky, because my father is a giant in this industry, and he had to skip his ice-cream sandwich today to come here.

Claire: I remember once Mom told me that I ate ice cream like a prostitute.

Luke: How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?
Claire: [scoffs] It was easy.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Ish. The old paper was on an old format, but it was a simple matter of stringing a couple of old machines together to get what I needed. Yes, I have been accused of having a little problem with perfectionism, but I also have a little problem with injustice, much as a certain U.S. President had a little problem with European Imperialism. Of course when a man does it, it becomes a doctrine. And when a woman does it, she's hysterical.

Claire: It's over, Phil. The house smells like smoke, we have no tree and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day by telling him we're moving the party to his house and I'm on permanent host probation forever. Who knows? Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday. "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." [sighs] In brighter news, I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?

Claire: Carl, do you have a pizza slicer?
Carl: Only the commemorative one I got for years of service.
Claire: Give it to me. I have a vision.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Shaq and Hendrix never got past their blind spots. Maybe they didn't want it enough. Turning pizzas into was a simple matter of removing one slice from each pie, then trimming off a V-shaped portion of pizza from each of the remaining slices, turning them from 36-degree angles to 40-degree angles, then putting together the 40-degree angles into nine slightly smaller pies. After that, one had only to repurpose the nine previously removed slices into a 10th pie.

Manny: Oh, what are their names?
Claire: We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.
Haley: Ooh.

Haley: How could you sneak behind my back like that?
Phil: Honey, we were just trying to help.
Haley: Well, you didn't. The book says 85% of pacifier users grow up to be cat people.
Claire: I can't believe I'm saying this, but you need to stop reading.

Claire: Fine, I lied! I had an interview with a magazine today and I just wanted everything to be perfect!
Alex: [scoffs] Which means getting rid of us?
Haley: Sorry we're such an embarrassment.
Claire: You're right. There's no excuse for what I did. I... I mean, except that you used to make me drop you off three blocks from school. And when you had friends over, you referred to me as Helga, your Swedish nanny! And you told your entire Girl Scout troop for three years that your mother was dead! You have been embarrassed by me your whole lives. I get one day!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: [shows magazine cover] Worth it.

Claire: Aw, that is cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween.
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood. I nicked myself putting it on!
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy who just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should've waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah. Totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right? By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing. It could be, um... shotgun or poison or a power drill to the eye...
Phil: Stop. Stop! Now you're scaring me.
Claire: That's how you do it. Bam!

Claire: I was having so much fun!
Phil: What?
Claire: I was wondering what we were gonna do for the next 30 years of our lives without the kids in the house. And now I know... You're getting twisted, and I like it. Game on.
Phil: Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: "Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? It's... It's game over.
Claire: Nope. [turns lights off] Watch your back, buddy. This is gonna be so much fun.
Phil: Can't we just travel?