Margaret: Psst, Claire? Um, I have Nick on the phone from Fiji.
Phil: We're in the middle of something, Margaret.
Margaret: He says it's an emergency.
Claire: Ugh.
Margaret: He's on my phone. It's in the solarium.
Claire: It's a bay window, Margaret.

Margaret: Hear, hear! To our next adventure! Oh, I found this in the wine cellar.
Claire: It's a basement, Margaret.

Phil: Jerry is following the butterfly migration to Mexico and wants to stop by tomorrow to say hi.
Claire: No way. Make up an excuse.
Phil: I'm a terrible liar.
Claire: Tough. The last thing we need around here is another hippie kook. Oh, it finally happened. I'm my father.

Claire: Look, it drives me nuts, too, that Dad never cops to his mistakes, but it's always gonna be our word against his.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Claire: Why did you cut the necks out of all these sweatshirts?
Mitchell: Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.
Claire: How you survived the golden age of bullying, I will never understand.

Haley: What are you doing?
Claire: Oh, I'm trying to spruce up my résumé. This job hunt is killing me.
Haley: I'm sorry, Mom, but if those companies aren't smart enough to hire you, you don't want to work with them anyway.
Claire: That's what I used to tell Alex about boys.
Haley: Just don't jump at the first offer.
Claire: That's what I used to tell you about boys.

Phil: This summer - you, me, the kids, - Yellowstone National Park. And that's just the Verona, he offered me an Amalfi. An Amalfi, Claire! That makes the Umbria look like a Portofino!
Claire: Well, they should've called it the Roman, 'cause that's what we're about to be doin'.
Phil: I'm really not following you.

Claire: It's not okay, Phil. It's not okay. We're losing her.
Phil: Alex?
Claire: Yes.
Phil: You're not losing her.
Claire: Oh, we are. She's going to high school. This is just when I lost Haley. This is when Haley went from being my sweet little angel to being a moody, texting, snotty little princess who hates me.
Phil: Haley doesn't hate you. And we're not losing her.
Claire: Do you remember when you used to come home from work and Haley would meet you at the door in her little Aladdin pajamas? You know, and she'd stick her arms up in the air and say "Daddy, Daddy, take me on a magic carpet ride." Remember that? When was the last time Haley was that excited to see you?
Phil: I don't remember. It's been so long.
Claire: We're losing another one. That's what kids do. They leave. They leave and they and they don't come back.
Phil: Oh, well, ours will come back. Right?
Claire: What if they don't and pretty soon it's just the two of us?
Phil: [sobbing] I don't wanna go to Vegas anymore.
Claire: I know.
Phil: I just wanna hug 'em and embarrass 'em in front of their friends.

Claire: [aside to camera] I run five miles a day. I have a resting heart rate of 48. There is no way I'm going to lose a two-mile race to Johnny Ski Pole. But after seeing that t-shirt, I realized something. The first day of school is tough on all my kids, especially the one I married. Did I lose the race to make him feel better? Maybe.
But it just seemed like he could use a win today. We do strange things for the people we love. We lie to them.
We lie for them. There may be some bumps along the way, but we never stop wanting the best for them. That's what makes it such a tough job. But kind of the best job in the world.

Claire: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the horn with Rick Friedman over at Shelf Involved. That poor guy. Someone there has given away corporate secrets. Makes me so glad that we just upgraded our whole security system. I mean, we got hidden cameras around this place that I don't even know about.
Dom: So, we got a cake for Margaret's birthday.
Claire: Fun. How you doing, Ben?
Ben: [gulps, chuckles nervously] Me? I'm good. I am good. I am chill. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, so...
Margaret: It's not really my birthday. I just wanted cake. I eat garbage because I am garbage.

Claire: Phil, no. Stop.
Phil: I gotta stop the damn chirping.
Claire: This isn't about the noise. Sweetie, you're having a bad day.
Phil: At the end of a bad month.
Claire: I know.
Phil: You know how scary that is, Claire?
Claire: No. No, I don't because you never tell me the bad stuff. You only share all the good stuff. Honey, what happened to us being a team? Right? We're supposed to lean on each other. Honey I have faith in you.