Alex: Guess who we ran into at the library.
Phil: How would I know? I was here the whole time.
Alex: Sanjay Patel. He's got Crohn's disease.
Phil: No!
Alex: I know. So lucky. He's totally going to win that science scholarship.
Haley: He should use it to find a cure for baldness, 'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.
Alex: That's it! I'm just gonna pick a new topic. I want a disease that everyone in the school is going to talk about.

Alex: Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I let him get in my head. Oh, he is going down. Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best. Enjoy your Hydrox cookies and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!

Alex: You know what's not real conducive to studying? 1200 nerds crying in every different Asian language! You knew finals were coming, people. Calm the hell down!

Alex: Claire? The words on the page are vibrating, and I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!

Alex: [aside to camera] So we were done with classes, done with finals, and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, we decided to get a little nuts.
[flashback:]
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
[v.o.:]
Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug hacked his key card to get us access to the restricted section of the library. We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals one. This rendered mathematics meaningless and drove him insane. According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone who reads and understands the proof.

Dr. Clark: Well, uh, this is a process. You know, it takes some time. [Alex sighs] What- What are you thinking?
Alex: Nothing.
Dr. Clark: No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.
Alex: That maybe you're not up for this. I mean, no offense. You're just a lot older than you look on your website. Did you even have S.A.T.s when you were in High School or Asian kids?
Dr. Clark: Oh, no. No, no, no. But there were other things I worried about: Spanish inquisition, sailing off the edge of the world, learning how to understand fire.
Alex: Sorry.

Phil: Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?
Luke: I thought I could get out this time.
Alex: I'm just gonna say it he needs to be checked by a specialist.

Claire: What are they doing up there?
Alex: Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.
Claire: Okay. Okay I'm making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting?
Alex: Sure. So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?
Claire: What?
Alex: This senior at school was "out sick" for, like, four months, but Jenna Resnick swore she saw her out breastfeeding in an coin-op carwash.

Alex: Okay, Mom, what about this?
Claire: No, you're wearing a dress.
Alex: [sighs] Mom, come on!
Claire: What? It's gonna kill you to look like a girl for one afternoon?
Alex: But it's a wedding for some friend of yours that I never even heard of.
Claire: It's nonnegotiable. You can borrow a dress of Haley's again.
Alex: No, that sends an ugly message. That I'm Haley. You know, instead of trying to force me to wear a dress, why don't you worry about getting Luke to wear some pants?

Gloria: No, no, no. I've answered enough of your questions. Now it's your turn to answer one.
Alex: What is it?
Gloria: Why you don't want to wear a dress?
Alex: Because I don't want to look like Haley and her stupid friends.
Gloria: I wear dresses, and I don't look like Haley.
Alex: You are Haley, just forty years older.
Gloria: Ten.
Alex: Twenty.
Gloria: Deal.