Alex: [aside to camera] My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun he goes straight to Luke. They have a weird connection. They're like Batman and Robin. Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Alex: 110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here?
Claire: Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Haley: Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate. It's this older guy Ben. He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother. I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Alex: Problem here, boys?
Luke: These geeks won't give us back our helicopter that we took from Reuben.
Alex: Is that right, Abraham?
Boy: Oh, my God. She knows your name.
Alex: Helicopter, please.
Abraham: I love you.
Haley: What just happened?
Alex: You have your fans, I have mine. Some day, your fans are going to work for my fans.

Alex: [aside to camera] Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then we made out. A couple times. There was even a little under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth.

Alex: It's ironic that I stand up here representing my classmates when... they're so awesome. They should be up here themselves. But I'm up here and... I'm sayin' stuff... 'cause... everybody's got their stuff, whether you're popular or a drama geek, or a cheerleader or even a nerd like me. We all have our insecurities.
Cameron: Yes, we do.
Alex: We're all just trying to figure out who we are. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Don't stop believin'. Get this party started.

Phil: I'll take it slow on the way home. Don't worry. Canceling course for adventure. Beep. Boop. Beep. Bop.
Alex: Mm. You know what I'll never forget? The time my dad spent the entire day trying to create a special memory for me. Or when a pregnant lady slipped in my vomit.

Haley: It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.
Alex: Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers." [everybody's silent] It's vandals. I'm so alone.

Claire: Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay? It's Saturday night. You're drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.
Alex: What's wrong with that? Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.

Alex: I'm just saying, she's never gonna get a job. And how do we know the right Middle Eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great?
Claire: I left my shopping list inside. For the record, we thought she could live with you.
Alex: Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.

Robbie: Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in "jeopardy."
Alex: Who is Alex Trebek?
Robbie: Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
Alex: No reason.