Alex: Did you know that fencing goes back to the 12th century?
Haley: You know what's even nerdier than fencing? Knowing when it began.
Luke: I don't think you're a nerd, Alex.
Alex: Shut up, dork.

Haley: There must be something wrong with this phone. I've rubbed it on my head for, like, an hour.
Claire: What? Alex.
Alex: [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, you're such a geek!
Alex: At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.
Haley: Oh, my god! Mom!
Claire: Alex, don't be mean. Haley, stop making yourself such an easy target.

Alex: I can't wait to go to Grandpa's. Family means everything to me.
Haley: 'Cause you have no friends.
Alex: No. Because I love Grandpa. And he's getting older. Who knows how many years he has left?
Luke: Is Grandpa dying?
Alex: Didn't they tell you?
Claire: Alex, stop torturing your brother. No. Your grandfather is fine.
Alex: [quietly] For now.

Jungle Tanya: All right, let's all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.
Luke: This feels so weird. What does it eat?
Jungle Tanya: Oh, just little boy brains.
Alex: Well, at least Luke's got nothing to worry about.

Alex: I know what Luke's problem is. He's got A.D.H.D.
Claire: No.
Luke: No, I don't! What is it?
Alex: I'd tell you, but you'd wander off before I got to the "H." [Luke walks off]

Alex: Listen to these symptoms of A.D.H.D. And tell me it's not Luke.
Claire: Alex!
[over montage of Phil in the garage looking for a screwdriver before being distracted]
Alex: "Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli." "Often impulsively abandons one task for another." "A tendency to act without regard to consequences, often at the expense of personal safety." "Having accidents more often"-
Claire: Okay, you know what, I think that's enough, Alex. We've got it.

[Luke jumps off a seat while holding Phil's birthday balloons]
Alex: Buddy! Think the problem is, you're not jumping from high enough. You should get on top of the garage.
Claire: Alex, stop trying to kill your brother.

Haley: So, airports, huh?
Jeff: Yeah.
Haley: Are you drawing something there?
Jeff: Yeah. It's no good.
Haley: Tortured artist. Classic.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. It's a robot.
Haley: Oh, yeah. Sure is. What's behind him?
Jeff: A dinosaur. It's for school. We're supposed to make a comic strip.
Haley: We had to do that too, back in the eighth...
[aside to camera:]
Alex: He was 14 years old.
Haley: Shut up.
Alex: "He's my soul mate." [laughing, falls off the couch]

Claire: How about you, Alex?
Alex: I haven't really thought about it. I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Claire: Honey, you can't just slap something together at the last minute. If you gave this costume half as much time and attention as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Alex: Can I remind you you have one child who's not mediocre?

Claire: Hey, honey, how'd your test go?
Alex: Second highest in the class.
Phil: Hey. That's great.
Alex: Sanjay Patel edged me out by 12 points.
Phil: Oh, honey, who cares what she did?
Alex: It's a he. "Sanjay" is a very common Indian boy's name. There are like millions of them.