Principal Block: What the hell is this?
Malcolm: It's "Car Crash." It's a story for the literary magazine.
Principal Block: It's pornography.
Malcolm: How is it pornography?
Principal Block: "The construction worker yelled out, '[bleep] my [bleep]'." "[bleep] my [bleep]"?!
Malcolm: It's supposed to be offensive. That's the whole point of the story. It's a literary device.
Principal Block: There's nothing literary about "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Parents don't want their children reading "[bleep] my [bleep]". This school district has a zero tolerance policy on "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Our forefathers did not lay down their lives on San Juan Hill for "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Now, you either kill this story or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.
Malcolm: That's just stupid. What's the point of bleeping out words? Everyone knows what they are anyway.

Francis: You have a week. Is there anything you know she likes?
Otto: Well, she always wished that I could learn to waltz.
Francis: Really? That's great! I know how to waltz. I learned in military school taking girls to cotillions. I can totally teach you.
Otto: Oh, no, no, no, Francis, I am a terrible dancer. I tried it at our wedding; I stepped on her foot.
Francis: You can't let a little thing...
Otto: I broke it in three places.
Francis: But...
Otto: Then I ripped her dress, and her rear end hung out for 200 people to see. Then I got into a fistfight with her father. We spent the night in jail, and, you know, he always was a little delicate-looking, and...

Malcolm: You know, I kind of wish I did put some smut in it, though. People are gonna be disappointed.
Stevie: Don't be... so sure. "The Mysterious... Forest." Fold A... to meet B.
Malcolm: That's a picture of...!
Stevie: Thank you... Cinemax. Freedom's... a glorious... thing.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is The Crystal Ship. It's our high school literary magazine. Nobody reads it because it's written by high school kids trying to be deep. And the editor is just some guy who wants to pad his college application. This month, it's me.
Stevie: Did you get... "The Mysterious... Forest"?
Malcolm: Yes, Stevie. I got your drawing.
Stevie: Is it... in?
Malcolm: Yes. I told you. Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-indulgent or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in. And why do you care? Our advisor doesn't even care.

Reese: You know why I beat you?
Dewey: 'Cause you outweigh me by, like, 50 pounds?
Reese: No. Because my mind is stronger than yours.
Dewey: What?
Reese: All your Matrix guys and your Yodas and your Karate Kids do what they do with their minds, not their bodies. I beat you in here before I ever beat you there.
Dewey: You're just messing with me again. I don't believe you.
Reese: You're not sure if you do or you don't.

Reese: This is soil. Soil is alive. It is sensitive to the rhythm of who you truly are. This is a seed. Within it lies sleeping the soul of a plant. Together, they make a test. That was taught to Shaolin ninjas millions of years ago. If you can keep your hand like this until the seed sprouts, then you will have developed the source of all power.
Dewey: If this is real, then why are you teaching it to me?
Reese: 'Cause I'm a jerk, and I know you'll fail. Or maybe... just once... I'm letting you in on the secret of life itself.
[later:]
Malcolm: What's he doing out there?
Reese: I put a rock in his hand. He's trying to make it grow.

Principal Block: Ah. Malcolm. So, have you, uh, made a decision yet?
Malcolm: Yes. I want the clubs back. So I signed the letter and sent it to your lawyer. I even made copies.
Principal Block: Yeah, what's all this other stuff?
Malcolm: I put the letter on the back cover of my new independent literary magazine. We made 700 copies, and we're distributing it 20 feet outside the school grounds as required by law. It's called "Absolutely Filthy Smut." It's a catchy title. People seem interested.

Stevie: "Car Crash"?
Malcolm: Yeah. There's this really pretty girl who, whenever she walks down the street, guys yell filthy stuff at her, so she trains herself to ignore them.
Ronnie: The "pretty" part's not important.
Malcolm: So, one day, after she's trained herself, she's crossing the street, and this construction worker yells out, "Hey, lady!" She doesn't turn around, but he's really trying to warn her there's a car coming. She ignores him, and she gets splattered all over the pavement!
Stevie: Men... are pigs.

Hal: She was touching me exactly like this! She was practically drooling over my sexy hands. And then, later this morning, she asked me if I thought her butt was big. And it wasn't. It was perfect! It wasn't an innocent request for information, Lois. If your butt was as perfect as hers, believe me, you'd know it! [sighs] What am I going to do?
Lois: Well, were you mean to her?
Hal: No. Why?
Lois: You don't want to antagonize her. She's the new boss. She decides who comes and who goes.
Hal: What are you saying?
Lois: I am saying that it wouldn't hurt for you to be... nice. [Hal gasps] That's all. Hal, I'm not asking you to do anything. It's just if she flirts with you again, just don't burst her bubble.
Hal: Lois! Oh, all right! You can make me flirt with this beautiful woman, but you can't make me like it.
Lois: I can make you do anything I want.
Hal: You're right.

Otto: Francis, I am in so much trouble.
Francis: What's wrong?
Otto: I just found out what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary. She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks, so she called a factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to handcraft a cuckoo clock with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour.
Francis: Wow. What'd you get her?
Otto: Some Dustbuster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.