Malcolm: What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I just learn to shut up?
Stevie: We're... the same. We speak... before... we think.

Lois: A peptic ulcer? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer? The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a 60-year-old air traffic controller. You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?!
Malcolm: For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who is still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck. And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy. There's only one channel on the TV. And what's this about a bedpan?!

Hal: "...and everyone but the rabbit lived happily ever after." And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold.
Dewey: Got it.
[Hal is mesmerized as he sees a power walking team pass through the park]
Dewey: Dad?
Hal: It's like watching the gods return to Olympus.

Lois: You know, you're not finished till you put those away and wipe down the counters.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Why don't I buff the floor and lick your shoes while I'm at it?! [out loud] Yes, ma'am.
Lois: Look at me. Are you on drugs?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: You've been acting really strange lately, and I want to know what's going on.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Well, apparently no one in this house can tolerate it when someone's actually being pleasant! [out loud] Nothing.
Lois: Nothing? So, everything's fine, everything's normal, you're not acting any different, and I'm just crazy.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] She's begging for it! Nail her! [out loud] I'm fine, really.
Lois: Well, you're looking a little tired. Why don't you let me finish up?
Malcolm: All right.

Hal: What is this called?
Vince: We're racewalking.
Hal: I've never seen anything like it. The the style, the grace.
Vince: Well, it's not all just about looking good. It's the best low-impact aerobic exercise ever invented, despite what you hear from all those Tai-Chi punks.
Hal: Yeah, but how do you do it?
Vince: Well, the International Racewalking Federation specifies you must have one foot on the ground at all times.
Hal: But-
Vince: And your front leg must remain straight until it's completely under you.
Hal: Something like this?
Vince: Hey! I think you've got it! Look at that, guys. I think we got ourselves a natural!
Hal: [giggles] Wow! Look at me! I can walk!

Lois: Malcolm! How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your wet towel after you've used it?! Is that so hard? Because if it is, maybe we should just take your towel away. And the next time you take a shower, you can run around the backyard until you dry.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating? [out loud] Sorry.
Lois: And I don't want any- What did you say?
Malcolm: I'm sorry.
Lois: Yes. Well... I can see you boys are studying, so maybe this isn't the best time to deal with this. Do you want any sodas or anything? [exits]

Reese: Dad, please. The concert's Saturday night. I need a ride.
Hal: Reese, no. Your mom has to work and my car's in the shop. You'll just have to find someone else. Are my hips even? Watch my butt while I walk.
Reese: Dad, I swear to God, if you don't drive me, I will leave home forever! Or I'll never leave... whatever's worse. It's your choice, pal.

Craig: Look, I've only got two minutes. A woman thinks I'm looking in the stock room for a humidifier. Now, I want you to listen to this tape and tell me whether you think it's better to go ELO-Kansas-Doobies or Doobies-Kansas-ELO. I'm not telling you which one I'm voting for.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Craig: The mix tape! For our date! Didn't you get my e-mails or phone messages or the notes I left under your door?
Reese: No, I have a lot of homework to do during the week, and I can't really spend-
Craig: Look, just listen to it tonight and get back to me with your top four choices. Now, what do you think for a shirt? I like the blue, but I'm worried the open-collar look is a bit racy.
Reese: You don't have any pants on!
Craig: That's what these are for. I want you to pick your favorites separately, Then we'll decide what goes together.
Reese: Whatever.
Craig: [giggles] I am going to call you a million times before Saturday. I haven't been this excited in years. Now I know why people look forward to weekends. [giggles]

Craig: So, then, when I was 13, I got my first velour shirt, and everything changed. Suddenly, there was an opening in the astronomy club. People started sitting on my side of the bus. But I'm a Libra, so I like to think the best of people.
Reese: So, Craig, I was telling Alison how well you focus on your driving.
Alison: No, you were just telling me that if I really loved you, I'd let you get under my-
Craig: So, you guys like to take long walks on the beach? I sure do. Plus, I'm a grand master at Battleship. I've got the hat if you'd like to see it. So, Ali, do you have any brothers or sisters? What do you think you're doing?! You don't talk to me. You just start kissing? I am a person, and I deserve some conversation and some of the social niceties before the kissing starts.
Alison: You know what, I was okay when he pulled over twice to change his shirt, but I really don't think he should be yelling at me.
Reese: Okay, don't freak out. I can handle this. My family kind of owns him. You know, Craig, another thing girls really like is the strong, silent type. Craig, Craig, you just passed the concert!
Craig: Oh, no, I don't think so.
Alison: But there was a sign, and it had an arrow, and we're supposed to follow the pointy end!
Craig: Oh, come on. There's other fun things we can do. I thought we'd start with a hayride, and then a light dinner at Cicero's. I've already tipped the violinist to drop by our table, for the lady. Then I thought we'd cap off the evening with a nice, romantic bonfire at the lake.
Reese: Craig, you are ruining our date! [tires screech]
Craig: Now, listen here! Do you know how long I have dreamed and planned for this night? 34 years! And I am not going to let you little brats ruin it! We are going to have a hayride and dinner and a bonfire, and this is going to be a magical evening that will live in our hearts forever!
Alison: What's that on your glasses?
Craig: What? [Alison pepper sprays Craig when he takes of his glasses] [screams] Oh, my God! Reese, you said she'd be nice to me! You said she'd like me! [sobbing]
Reese: Yeah, let's ditch this loser. [Alison aims the pepper spray at Reese] Okay, okay. See you at school.

Reese: Come back, please. I'll find us a ride.
Alison: Those concert tickets cost me $40 each. That's two times 40. Divide that in two, and it's $40 a ticket.
Reese: But it's not my fault I can't drive us.
Alison: You're the one who had his license taken away!
Reese: Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.
Alison: Well, you better think of something, because if we can't get there, then we're not going!
Reese: [to Malcolm and Stevie] Don't ever date anyone smarter than you.