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Season 1, Episode 1 -  Aired January 9, 2000

Malcolm is labeled a genius and sent to a gifted class.

Quote from Lois

Lois: You listen to me, young man. That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie. He's a human being with human feelings. Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy and you are going to like it. Understood?
Malcolm: Yes, ma'am. Understood. [to camera] If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang.
Lois: You just take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something, that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis. There are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.
Dewey: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
Lois: I know, honey. You're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.


Quote from Malcolm

Caroline: Hi. I'm Caroline. Want to have a seat? Are you Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes, and I didn't do anything.
Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here 'cause some of your teachers think you're, um... You know what? I just want to play some games with you, okay? Puzzles, stuff like that.
Malcolm: Why?
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy, you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you? Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it, okay?
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to take your time and really look... [starts stopwatch]
Malcolm: The car shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 if he's looking at a sunset and I have red paint on my ass. That's right. Red paint all over my ass! [Caroline stops stopwatch]

Quote from Stevie

Malcolm: These are good cookies.
Stevie: Yeah... they're good.
Malcolm: So what can you do? I mean, what do you want to do?
Stevie: I know... a joke.
Malcolm: Yeah? Okay.
Stevie: A guy... goes into... a bar... and he... has a... frog... on... his...
Malcolm: Frog on his head.
Stevie: And the... bartender... Wait, I screwed up. A frog... goes into... a bar.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles an hour every hour for the rest of my life, I'd still only see half of it. [squeaking] This is the left nostril of my brother Reese. It squeaks all night long. These are the freezing cold feet of my little brother Dewey. This is my oldest brother Francis. He's the one I really like so, of course, he got sent to military school. My name is Malcolm. You want to know what the best thing about childhood is? At some point, it stops.

Quote from Francis

Malcolm: [to camera] Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker and he's not.
[flashback to Francis at the front door with a police officer and squad car:]
Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really sorry. I'm just-
[flashback to Francis standing in front of his parents' bed as a girl gets dressed:]
Francis: I'm hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which, I admit-
[flashback to Francis standing in front a burning car:]
Francis: I don't deserve but if you could just find it in your heart to forgive me I know I could earn your trust back.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's not like it was even our car.

Quote from Lois

Lois: [opens door] Yes. Can I help you?
Craig: Oh. My good- Um, hi. Hel- Hello. I'm. I'm Caroline Miller from Malcolm's school. I... sent you some letters and left some messages on your answering machine.
Lois: Okay, fine. You caught me. What do you want?
Caroline: Um... Well, it's been three weeks and you haven't responded and it's really important... I mean, well, for Malcolm's sake that the parents be as involved in...
Lois: So, what, you're here to insult my parenting skills?
Caroline: No. I'm sure you're a terrific parent. [boys scream] I'm here because I think that there is a tremendous opportunity for... Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
Lois: They're just boobs, lady. You see them in the mirror every morning. And I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

Quote from Lois

Malcolm: I don't want to go to a special class. People think I'm weird enough already.
Lois: I know.
Malcolm: I like where I am. I want to stay.
Lois: Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me. Malcolm, I'm proud of you. You boys are so lucky. You have so many gifts that other kids don't have. And I don't just mean Stevie Kenarban, either. I mean, look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but honest to God those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids? That electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? Just remember... any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.
Malcolm: [to camera] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
Lois: You'll be all right, sweetie. If you don't make a big deal out of this, nobody else will either.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Huh, look at this. They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of schoolchildren name it. That's going to end badly.

Quote from Lois

Lois: These clippers are dull already. Honestly, Hal, you're like a monkey.
Malcolm: [to camera] They do this every month. He has sensitive skin. The hair gets itchy under his clothes.
Lois: It always seems like such a shame to just dump this in the trash. Maybe birds would like to make nests with it. Or, I don't know, maybe you boys could use it for school projects. Arms up.
[Hal raises his arms with the newspaper he's reading]
Reese: [shields eyes] Dude.

Quote from Dewey

Malcolm: Dave Spath. He never gets sent anywhere. What do you do if he catches you?
Dewey: Roll in a ball.
Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
Dewey: Stay in a ball.
Malcolm: Okay. Come on.

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