Malcolm: I'm not saying you don't have some skills. They're just wasted on me. I'm smarter than you.
Jessica: Smarter how?
Malcolm: My brain just works differently, okay? I can see what you're doing and what you're planning at the same time.
Jessica: So what, you have, like, two brains?
Malcolm: Of course not! Nobody has two brains. Look, do you know how multitasking works on a computer? [Jessica stares blankly] Here, I'll draw you a diagram. Let's say this circle is your conscious mind during a normal conversation. This intersecting circle represents another track. Not opposed to the first-
Jessica: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.
Malcolm: For lack of a better term, we'll call this track subtext. Now, with my brain, there can be four tracks going at one time, plus one supervisor track that keeps them all in line, unless you're talking about...

Otto: The cinema has a brilliant new light, and her name is Gretchen Mannkusser.
Gretchen: Oh, Otto!
Otto: You were great.
Gretchen: Really? I don't know. I found that whole scene was kind of stupid and pointless. You know what would have helped? Some sex.
Otto: Ja, ja, ja. [whispers] But you know these Americans, they have lots of hang-ups, eh?

Jessica: Reese, I'll make you a deal. Help me with the dishes, and I won't make you take a bath.
Reese: You can't make me do anything!
Jessica: Boy, Alison was right about your temper.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Jessica: Oh, she was kind of saying that you were... You know what? Never mind. [washes dish]
Reese: Is she mad at me?
Jessica: I wouldn't say mad. [hands Reese a dish to dry]
Reese: What'd she say?
Jessica: I probably shouldn't.
Reese: No, no, no, you have to. Give me that. [takes dishes]
Jessica: Well, it wasn't really what she said. It was more the way she said it. Oh, that's baked on. You're going to need some cleanser for that.
Reese: Oh, okay. Go on.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, Reese is easy, but she's good.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dad doesn't have time to find us a new baby-sitter, so we're stuck with Jessica, which is fine with me. I don't plan on spending any time here anyway. [out loud] Dewey, what are you eating?
Dewey: Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.

Malcolm: And sometimes my thoughts are, like, three-dimensional. I can almost reach out and touch them. Or they could just be pure logic, like...
Jessica: Malcolm, it's getting late.
Malcolm: Is it? Oh, man, the movie was over an hour ago.
Jessica: Huh. Well, anyway, I'm glad to know how much smarter you are than me.

Malcolm: [to camera] We haven't managed to get rid of Jessica yet, but we've been putting the screws to her pretty good. It's just a question of time. [out loud to Jessica and her friends] Your tea.
Jessica: Thank you, Malcolm. Isn't he sweet? All right, boys, bedtime!
Dewey: No way!
Reese: No, I want to stay up and do more sew- Oh, my God!
Jessica: [to her friends] Boys. They're overtired. Excuse me. [to the boys] All right. Get your butts in your bed right now, or I'll tell everyone you know that you walk around in your mother's shoes.
Dewey: But that's a secret!
Jessica: And I'll tell Alison you spent an hour on the phone with Cindy Reid.
Reese: Oh, now it's a crime to be a good listener?
Jessica: And a certain boy genius takes Pro-Gro Bodybuilding Supplement.
Malcolm: I do not.
Jessica: "Bulk up now, watch the ladies say wow."
Malcolm: No one will believe you.
Jessica: Maybe not. We'll just leave it to the tough, but always fair, court of high school public opinion.

Dewey: For the love of God, it's 7:30. We're supposed to be tougher than her.
Reese: Well, Malcolm's supposed to be smarter than her.
Malcolm: I am smarter than her. She just caught me off guard a couple of times. I'll come up with something. Something heinous, something brutal. Dewey, get your footy pajamas.
Dewey: I'm not wearing those.
Malcolm: Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to remember what chocolate tastes like? [Dewey groans] And take Professor Cuddles.

Jessica: Night. Oh, come back tomorrow. I'll have the boys make stroganoff. Dewey, I thought you were asleep.
Dewey: You thought a lot of things.
Jessica: What are you boys doing dressed?
Reese: You want to handle this?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah. [Reese starts to walk out]
Jessica: Where are you going? Come back here! I'm calling Alison!
Dewey: Are you going to tell her you said she was stupid, and you're only friends with her to borrow her clothes?
Jessica: Why, you little-
Malcolm: Or would you rather call your parents and tell them you're the one who stole your grandmother's ring? [Jessica sits down] Okay, here's how it's going to work: Reese and I are going out, and you're gonna tell my dad we were here the whole time. You're gonna stay here with Dewey, and wait on him hand and foot.
Dewey: I want a sundae and then some pizza. And then another pizza and then a pizza sundae. [zips up romper]

Reese: Ah, shoot. I was going to go outside this weekend.
Alison: Maybe the weather's better on channel seven.
Malcolm: Hey, Alison. Okay, here's your book report. It's a guaranteed A.
Reese: Thank you.
Alison: Oh, I totally forgot to do mine. And I can't afford to get another F.
Reese: No problem. [rips paper in half] Now we'll both get C's.

Jessica: I don't understand what relative density is.
Malcolm: It's the weight of an object compared to the weight of an equal volume of water.
Jessica: Oh, neat. Reese, you have the next bath after Dewey. Two more minutes, Dewey.
Dewey: [o.s.] Okay.
Reese: You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
Malcolm: Come on, be a big boy. I'll take the tugboat, and you can have the ducky.
Reese: You think this is funny?
Malcolm: It's kind of funny.