Judy Geller: It's just a little thing. While we think it's simply marvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we told them you're married.
Ross: What?
Judy Geller: Thanks for going along with this.
Ross: Dad? We have to pretend that we're married?
Jack Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Ross: Dad, we can't believe you're selling the house.
Jack Geller: Well, it's time for a new family to start their memories here. And hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.

Ross: You know, I just, I just I just needed to know, um when did you start to feel like a father?
Jack Geller: Oh. Well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing. And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight. And that's when I knew. So you don't want to go to Williamsburg?
Ross: We can go to Williamsburg.
Jack Geller: Eat your fish.

Jack Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful. You should think about doing this for a living.
[Chandler laughs]
Jack Geller: Okay, I have dandruff. There's no need to laugh and point.
Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.
Jack Geller: My joke wasn't funny.

Jack Geller: You don't secretly smoke, do you?
Ross: No.
Jack Geller: So it's just your mother.

Judy Geller: You've done a wonderful job with this party, Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe you would have a thirty-year-old daughter. And you, I can't believe you would have a tux that's 30 years old.
Jack Geller: It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.

Judy Geller: Thank you, Monica. That was interesting. Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
Jack Geller: Why don't I remember this dog?

Monica: That's okay, Dad, we can wait until later.
Jack Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think so. Aren't you ovulating?
Monica: Daddy!
Jack Geller: Well, you gotta get at it, princess. When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip.
Chandler: That's funny. This conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head.

Jack Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me. You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while. It seems her father, your grandfather wanted her to travel around Europe like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time.

Jack Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, you always have been. Even when you were a kid and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine. And you would read alone in your room and your puzzles.