Monica: The truth is, Dad, we're trying.
Jack Geller: What?
Monica: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Jack Geller: Oh, my God, this is so exciting. Well, get back in there. I'll guard the door!

Jack Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink, and your mother was-
Monica: Daddy, I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and Mom had.
Jack Geller: You're right. You're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child. Although it might feel good.
Monica: I don't feel good right now.
Jack Geller: But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task, sailor?
Chandler: Seriously, sir, my brains, all over the wall.

Judy Geller: Jack, look at this.
Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny.
Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.

Monica: I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house.
Judy Geller: We're sorry, honey. But we just assumed that if you got married after you turned thirty, that you'd pay for it yourself.
Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23.
Jack Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that, sweetie.

Monica: Isn't she beautiful?
Jack Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.
Ross: What about Ben?
Jack Geller: Well, of course, Ben. I meant my first granddaughter. [mouths] Wow.

Jack Geller: There's no way in hell I'm paying for it.
Ross: Look, we're down to just one point. Could we please maybe just settle it after the wedding?
Jack Geller: All right. Fine, but I just want to say I'm not paying for your wine cellar you thieving, would-be-speaking-German-if-it-weren't-for-us, cheap little man!

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
Jack Geller: I'm not freaking out. I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea- Dad, Dad, Dad.
Ross: I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing. Did you, uh, ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
Jack Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
Ross: No, Dad, I was just wondering.
Jack Geller: Because there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg. How about we do that?

Judy Geller: Ross? Why don't you give us your toast now?
Ross: Oh, no, Mom. It's just Monica this year.
Judy Geller: You're not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary?
Ross: No, of course. Everybody? I just wanted to say on behalf of my new bride, Rachel, and myself, that if if in 35 years, we're half as happy as you guys are we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
Judy Geller: [sobbing] Oh, Ross.
Jack Geller: I just wish Nana was alive to hear Ross's toast.

Monica: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question. Why not Ross's room?
Jack Geller: Gosh. We talked about that but your brother had so many science trophies, and plaques, and merit badges. Well, we didn't want to disturb them.
Monica: God forbid.

Judy Geller: There's nothing to discuss. We're not paying for your wine cellar.
Steven Waltham: You have to meet me in the middle here.
Jack Geller: Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foot's gonna meet the middle of your ass.