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‘Everybody Hates Playboy’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Playboy

120. Everybody Hates Playboy

Aired April 27, 2006

Chris finds a Playboy magazine in Julius's toolbox and takes it to school. Meanwhile, Julius finds Rochelle has a secret stash of money.

Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Yeah, don't drink it all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
Risky: Playboy magazine? I ain't selling you no Playboy magazine. Boy, what you think this is? I know your mama. Now how do you think she'd feel if she knew you were out here trying to buy a Playboy magazine? Now if you want to buy beer or cigarettes, that's one thing. A Playboy magazine? You better keep on moving. Tell your mama I said hey.
Boy: I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.

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Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Baby, I don't want to fight anymore either. But why'd you feel you had to hide money from me?
Rochelle: I wasn't really hiding it. I was just keeping it in a safe place just in case something happened.
Julius: Something like what?
Rochelle: Julius, you work hard, and we barely make ends meet now. I mean, God forbid something happens to you. I mean, you could get hit by a postal truck or a gas truck. Get run over by a car, get high blood pressure, get the flu, gout, pneumonia, scoliosis, scurvy... You could fall off a building, trip off the escalator, get jumped, get stabbed, you could get MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.
Julius: What's that?
Rochelle: I don't know, but it sounds like it'll kill you.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father could ask my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
[flashback:]
Tonya: Ma, can I go play over at Tricia's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here? And why you acting all suspicious?
[flashback:]
Drew: Hey, mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you going to do, go rob a bank? You're acting suspicious.
[flashback:]
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you getting high? You starting to act suspicious.

Quote from Drew

Julius: Drew. Have you seen, uh anything unusual around here lately?
Drew: Like what, a UFO?
Julius: Now, why would a UFO...? Never mind.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I soon discovered that trying to keep a Playboy magazine from a teenage boy is like trying to keep diamond teeth from a rapper. Somebody's going to get that money, might as well be me.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle, that's not the point. I just want to know about this money.
Rochelle: You mean my money?
Julius: What you mean your money?
Rochelle: I made it, I saved it, so it's my money.
Julius: Let me get this straight. The money I make, that's everybody's money, but the money you make, that's your money?
Rochelle: That's right.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Oh, my God, this kicks ass on the Sears catalog. Does your dad know you took this?
Chris: No, I gotta get it back to him before he finds out it's gone.
Boy: Wow. Is that a Playboy?
Chris: None of your business. Now get out of here.
Boy: Come on. I'll give you a dollar to look.
Chris: Okay, fine. Right here, one minute. Greg, give it to him.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who knew you could make money off of naked women?

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Quarter a peek and you're done. You're next. A dollar a look, a quarter a peek. Thank you. Okay, time's up. Next.
Joey Caruso: I'm next.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I found the one thing that united the races: women.
Joey Caruso: Thanks, Mantan.
Chris: Hey, give it back. That's my dad's.
Joey Caruso: Like your father can read.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only place my father hadn't looked for that Playboy was in his own room. Then he realized that if my mother found it, she could be saving it to use against him.
[fantasy:]
Julius: Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?
Rochelle: [slams down Playboy] Miss June has one.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Hey.
Joey Caruso: What do you want, Tito?
Chris: I need the magazine back.
Joey Caruso: You need to get out of here, before I knock your teeth out.
Chris: Listen, my dad's going to kill me if I don't get it back.
Joey Caruso: Too bad. I sold it. See you at your funeral, Slappy.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle. Can you explain this?
Rochelle: Where did you find that?
Julius: In your shoe.
Rochelle: Well, what were you doing in my shoe?
Julius: Oh, don't try to change the subject. What's $500 doing in your shoe? Where'd you get this?
Rochelle: That doesn't make a difference. I want to know why you were going through my stuff. I don't go through your stuff.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, she does. He just never caught her.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius, how come you're acting so childish about this? I mean, how would you feel if somebody went through your stuff and took something that belonged to you?
Julius: What are you talking about? I don't have nothing to take.
Rochelle: I'm just saying. I mean, what if Chris went through your stuff and took something without asking?
Chris: Why'd you pick me? Why didn't you pick Drew or Tonya?
Rochelle: Why you acting so suspicious?
Chris: Who's suspicious? It's not me, I'm not suspicious.
Rochelle: Well, you sure as hell acting like it. Eat your food.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh, baby, I just wanted a cushion to fall back on, that's all.
Julius: Is that all?
Rochelle: Yeah.
Julius: Come here. Here. Take your money, put it away. I'm sorry.
[Rochelle struggles to take the money out of Julius's hand]
Rochelle: You go in my shoe again, I'm going to knock your ass out.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last place I wanted my father to find his Playboy was at my school.
Mrs. Milone: I confiscated this.
Rochelle: Playboy? What does Chris have to do with that?
Mrs. Milone: Somebody brought it to the school, and I believe it was your son.
Rochelle: Chris? Is this true?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality.
[fantasy: After Rochelle slaps Chris, he is an Asian boy]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, it's just Playboy. I mean, it really doesn't matter. Boys will be boys.
Rochelle: Is that all you have to say? "Boys will be boys"?! Chris, where did you get a Playboy from, anyway?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Boy, I know I've never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy."
Chris: I found it?
Mrs. Milone: Usually, I would suspend you for this sort of behavior, but I think this is best handled by the parents.
Rochelle: And you best believe we're going to handle it, right, Julius?
Julius: Yeah, we going to handle this.
Mrs. Milone: I'll take that.
Julius: What you going to do with it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's what he really wanted to do.
[fantasy: Julius dashes out of the office and runs from the school]
Mrs. Milone: I'll dispose of it.
Julius: Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's a good idea. Disposing is good.

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