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‘Everybody Hates Playboy’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Playboy

120. Everybody Hates Playboy

Aired April 27, 2006

Chris finds a Playboy magazine in Julius's toolbox and takes it to school. Meanwhile, Julius finds Rochelle has a secret stash of money.

Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Yeah, don't drink it all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
Risky: Playboy magazine? I ain't selling you no Playboy magazine. Boy, what you think this is? I know your mama. Now how do you think she'd feel if she knew you were out here trying to buy a Playboy magazine? Now if you want to buy beer or cigarettes, that's one thing. A Playboy magazine? You better keep on moving. Tell your mama I said hey.
Boy: I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.

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Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Baby, I don't want to fight anymore either. But why'd you feel you had to hide money from me?
Rochelle: I wasn't really hiding it. I was just keeping it in a safe place just in case something happened.
Julius: Something like what?
Rochelle: Julius, you work hard, and we barely make ends meet now. I mean, God forbid something happens to you. I mean, you could get hit by a postal truck or a gas truck. Get run over by a car, get high blood pressure, get the flu, gout, pneumonia, scoliosis, scurvy... You could fall off a building, trip off the escalator, get jumped, get stabbed, you could get MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.
Julius: What's that?
Rochelle: I don't know, but it sounds like it'll kill you.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father could ask my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
[flashback:]
Tonya: Ma, can I go play over at Tricia's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here? And why you acting all suspicious?
[flashback:]
Drew: Hey, mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you going to do, go rob a bank? You're acting suspicious.
[flashback:]
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you getting high? You starting to act suspicious.

Quote from Drew

Julius: Drew. Have you seen, uh anything unusual around here lately?
Drew: Like what, a UFO?
Julius: Now, why would a UFO...? Never mind.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I soon discovered that trying to keep a Playboy magazine from a teenage boy is like trying to keep diamond teeth from a rapper. Somebody's going to get that money, might as well be me.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle, that's not the point. I just want to know about this money.
Rochelle: You mean my money?
Julius: What you mean your money?
Rochelle: I made it, I saved it, so it's my money.
Julius: Let me get this straight. The money I make, that's everybody's money, but the money you make, that's your money?
Rochelle: That's right.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Oh, my God, this kicks ass on the Sears catalog. Does your dad know you took this?
Chris: No, I gotta get it back to him before he finds out it's gone.
Boy: Wow. Is that a Playboy?
Chris: None of your business. Now get out of here.
Boy: Come on. I'll give you a dollar to look.
Chris: Okay, fine. Right here, one minute. Greg, give it to him.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who knew you could make money off of naked women?

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Quarter a peek and you're done. You're next. A dollar a look, a quarter a peek. Thank you. Okay, time's up. Next.
Joey Caruso: I'm next.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I found the one thing that united the races: women.
Joey Caruso: Thanks, Mantan.
Chris: Hey, give it back. That's my dad's.
Joey Caruso: Like your father can read.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only place my father hadn't looked for that Playboy was in his own room. Then he realized that if my mother found it, she could be saving it to use against him.
[fantasy:]
Julius: Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?
Rochelle: [slams down Playboy] Miss June has one.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Hey.
Joey Caruso: What do you want, Tito?
Chris: I need the magazine back.
Joey Caruso: You need to get out of here, before I knock your teeth out.
Chris: Listen, my dad's going to kill me if I don't get it back.
Joey Caruso: Too bad. I sold it. See you at your funeral, Slappy.

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