Julius: Well, what's the job?
Mr. Omar: Well, my assistant died today.
Julius: Oh, no. What happened?
Mr. Omar: Well, he went to a dollar theater to watch the movie Airplane, when ironically, a chemical toilet fell out of an airplane, crashed through the roof and crushed him. Tragic. Tragic!

Mr. Omar: Um, I was wondering had you rented my apartment yet.
Julius: You forgot to say, "bald-headed skinflint."
Mr. Omar: Yeah. About that, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry.
Julius: Whatever. What difference is it to you whether I rented the place anyway? Won't you be dead?
Mr. Omar: Uh, no, no. Uh, turned out, there was a mistake. I got Mr. Watkins' prognosis, and he got mine.
Julius: Who is Mr. Watkins?
Mr. Omar: He's the guy that's dying instead of me. [chuckles] Yeah, misdiagnosed with a terminal condition by a doctor with a nearsighted nurse. Tragic. Tragic!

Tonya: Who died?
Mr. Omar: Oh. Mr. Abernathy. Got decapitated by a flying hubcap. Tragic. Tragic!
Tonya: Is that his wife?
Mr. Omar: Mm-hmm.
Tonya: Mmm.

Mr. Omar: Hey, aloha, Mr. Julius.
Julius: You can't have all these people in the hallway.
Mr. Omar: What you gonna do about it? I'm dying.
Julius: Mr. Omar, these people are turning my house into a fire hazard.
Mr. Omar: Well, with all that asbestos in the walls and ceiling, you ain't got to worry about no fire. It's the asthma that's gonna kill you.
Julius: Excuse me?
Mr. Omar: You're cheap! You're a bald-headed, penny-pinching skinflint.
Julius: Watch yourself, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: What's to watch?! I'm dying.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: I'm sorry, Chris, I can't take you. For an undertaker, New Year's Eve is like the day before the after Christmas sale. People act like drunken fools tonight, and dead tomorrow. Tragic, tragic!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After trying to find a tenant to help my father make ends meet, my mother thought she had found the perfect person, our neighborhood funeral director, Mr. Omar.
Rochelle: Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
Rochelle: Is this Mrs. Omar?
Mr. Omar: No, this is Mrs. Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Mr. Omar and I are just friends.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, her husband recently passed and she's in mourning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sure, she is.
Rochelle: Was it sudden?
Mr. Omar: Oh, yeah, yeah. He got stabbed on the subway. Didn't see it coming. Tragic. Tragic!

Mrs. Booker: Can I help you?
Julius: I was looking for Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Julius. Yeah, this is my friend Mrs. Booker.
Julius: I'm sorry about your husband.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, caught a deadly case of botulism. Tragic, tragic.
Mrs. Booker: How did you know-
Mr. Omar: Baby, why don't you go and put that record on for me?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my grandmother was too old to go out looking for men, my mother decided to bring the men to her.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle, what can I do for you?
Rochelle: Hey, Mr. Omar. Do you remember my mother, Maxine?
Mr. Omar: Yes. Husband died telling a knock-knock joke. Tragic. Tragic.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to savor my last day of life, Mr. Omar was trying to savor a last meal.
Mr. Omar: So, the next thing I know, the doctors call and say I've gone from a clean bill of health to who knows how much time left to live. [chuckles]
Rochelle: Tragic.
Mr. Omar: You see, most people are decapitated by flying hubcaps. [laughs] Or fall down a flight of steps and get strangled between banister rails. So knowing when I'm gonna die allows me to make the most of my remaining days and get my affairs in order.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he doesn't mean business affairs.
Mr. Omar: So from now on, I'm gonna do the things I want to do and say the things I want to say without worrying about the consequences. [looks suggestively at Rochelle]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad. With a dirty old bachelor.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Chris. Just getting in from a little afternoon delight?
Chris: Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.
Mr. Omar: You know, flu season to me is like tax season for accountants. That's when I do the most business. But I'm sure your family will be fine.