‘Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad’
Season 3, Episode 5 - Aired October 29, 2007
When his family comes down with the flu, Chris welcomes some privacy when he stays upstairs with Mr. Omar.
Quote from Ms. Morello
Ms. Morello: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal..."
[As Ms. Morello faces the front of the class, Chris sneaks in and takes his seat behind her back]
Ms. Morello: ...even if they're on CP time. Good morning, Chris.
Chris: Good morning, Ms. Morello. I'm sorry I'm late, but my whole family is sick.
Ms. Morello: Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. Is it sickle cell, rickets, or swine flu?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is that like chitlin-itis?
Chris: Swine flu.
Ms. Morello: Your tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.
Quote from Julius
Rochelle: Now, is this remedy of yours going to work?
Julius: Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...
Julius: Baking soda and a pomegranate.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were nauseous...
Julius: Catfish and grape jelly.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were blind...
Julius: A tin cup and a white cane.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, he couldn't cure everything.
Quote from Mr. Omar
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad. With a dirty old bachelor.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Chris. Just getting in from a little afternoon delight?
Chris: Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.
Mr. Omar: You know, flu season to me is like tax season for accountants. That's when I do the most business. But I'm sure your family will be fine.
Quote from Julius
Rochelle: Oh, I'm calling the doctor.
Julius: For what?
Rochelle: We're all sick, Julius, remember? And now Tonya has a fever.
Julius: We've all got fevers. Besides, doctors cost money.
Rochelle: And so do funerals.
Julius: Look, all the doctor is going to say is that we need to get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, take some aspirin. We don't need to pay for that.
Rochelle: I can't believe your daughter is in there burning up and you are too cheap to call the doctor.
Julius: Call Chris, tell him to bring us some 'Tussin. We'll be okay. [coughs]
Quote from Mr. Omar
Chris: So, what's for dinner?
Mr. Omar: I'm having mac and cheese. What are you having?
Chris: I guess I'll have mac and cheese, too.
Mr. Omar: You must be having it someplace else, 'cause I'm all out.
Chris: Well, what else you got?
Mr. Omar: Uh, whatever's in the fridge.
Chris: What?! Man, do you know you have hair in here.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I know, that's my side business. My dear clients no longer have a need for their tresses-- tragic-- so I sell it to wig shops. I got a wide variety. I got curly, wavy, nappy, and Indian.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who wants nappy?
Chris: The only other thing you have in here is some expired milk, some prune juice... and what is this?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I do have some cheese. Now all we need is the macaroni.
Quote from Jerome
Chris: Anyway, I'm not even staying in my house. I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.
Monk: Mr. Omar? What you doing up there?
Chris: My whole family's sick; they got the flu.
Jerome: Sick? They in the hospital?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was gonna rob my house.
Quote from Manny
Manny: You said they had the flu, right? Now, I got the cure for the flu right here. You should've asked me earlier. Here you go; check that out right there.
Chris: Does it work?
Risky: Oh, it worked for me.
Monk: Me too.
Kill Moves: It even stopped my hallucinations for a... while. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Charlie, where you going? Come back, man. I need to borrow five dollars.
Manny: You see that, man? Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon. One teaspoon, 'cause it'll knock you out for five hours. But it works.
Jerome: Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.
Manny: Are you sick?
Manny: I didn't think so. Here you go, Chris, man. Remember what I said now. One teaspoon. You're all done. Uh! Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gave the same elixir to people who need to take paint off of cars.
Quote from Julius
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, Tonya was trying to fake not freezing to death.
Tonya: [coughs] Daddy, I'm cold.
Julius: That means it's working. Here, keep this on your forehead. Rochelle, what does the thermometer say?
Rochelle: Two below zero. Julius, you're giving her the chills.
Julius: I can cure the chills. My mother had a home remedy for the chills.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's called a blanket.
Rochelle: I tried your mother's chill remedy, and it gave me a rash.
Julius: Did you brew it overnight and strain it through an old tube sock?
Julius: Well, that's why. If you let me I make it the right way, then she'll feel as good as new.
Rochelle: What's that for?
Julius: So I can come back and get this food before it thaws out. I'm going to make the remedy. [coughing]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being alone with Tasha was like a dream come true. I'd jump for joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear.
Tasha: Aren't you going to come sit down?
Chris: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just wanted to make sure you got a good spot.
Tasha: So, what are you waiting for? Put it in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?!
Tasha: The tape, Chris. Put in the Richard Pryor tape.
Chris: Oh, yeah.
Quote from Monk
Risky: Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't invite you over.
James: Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you?
Chris: Yeah, kind of.
Monk: Well, if that's the case, man, why don't you just give me the say-so. I'll clear these people out of here in seconds. See, I carry a container of napalm, just for such emergencies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was tempted to take him up on it.