305. Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad
Aired October 29, 2007
When his family comes down with the flu, Chris welcomes some privacy when he stays upstairs with Mr. Omar.
Quote from Ms. Morello
Ms. Morello: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal..."
[As Ms. Morello faces the front of the class, Chris sneaks in and takes his seat behind her back]
Ms. Morello: ...even if they're on CP time. Good morning, Chris.
Chris: Good morning, Ms. Morello. I'm sorry I'm late, but my whole family is sick.
Ms. Morello: Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. Is it sickle cell, rickets, or swine flu?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is that like chitlin-itis?
Chris: Swine flu.
Ms. Morello: Your tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.
Quote from Julius
Rochelle: Now, is this remedy of yours going to work?
Julius: Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...
Julius: Baking soda and a pomegranate.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were nauseous...
Julius: Catfish and grape jelly.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were blind...
Julius: A tin cup and a white cane.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, he couldn't cure everything.
Quote from Mr. Omar
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad. With a dirty old bachelor.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Chris. Just getting in from a little afternoon delight?
Chris: Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.
Mr. Omar: You know, flu season to me is like tax season for accountants. That's when I do the most business. But I'm sure your family will be fine.
Quote from Julius
Rochelle: Oh, I'm calling the doctor.
Julius: For what?
Rochelle: We're all sick, Julius, remember? And now Tonya has a fever.
Julius: We've all got fevers. Besides, doctors cost money.
Rochelle: And so do funerals.
Julius: Look, all the doctor is going to say is that we need to get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, take some aspirin. We don't need to pay for that.
Rochelle: I can't believe your daughter is in there burning up and you are too cheap to call the doctor.
Julius: Call Chris, tell him to bring us some 'Tussin. We'll be okay. [coughs]
Quote from Mr. Omar
Chris: So, what's for dinner?
Mr. Omar: I'm having mac and cheese. What are you having?
Chris: I guess I'll have mac and cheese, too.
Mr. Omar: You must be having it someplace else, 'cause I'm all out.
Chris: Well, what else you got?
Mr. Omar: Uh, whatever's in the fridge.
Chris: What?! Man, do you know you have hair in here.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I know, that's my side business. My dear clients no longer have a need for their tresses-- tragic-- so I sell it to wig shops. I got a wide variety. I got curly, wavy, nappy, and Indian.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who wants nappy?
Chris: The only other thing you have in here is some expired milk, some prune juice... and what is this?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I do have some cheese. Now all we need is the macaroni.
Quote from Jerome
Chris: Anyway, I'm not even staying in my house. I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.
Monk: Mr. Omar? What you doing up there?
Chris: My whole family's sick; they got the flu.
Jerome: Sick? They in the hospital?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was gonna rob my house.
Quote from Manny
Manny: You said they had the flu, right? Now, I got the cure for the flu right here. You should've asked me earlier. Here you go; check that out right there.
Chris: Does it work?
Risky: Oh, it worked for me.
Monk: Me too.
Kill Moves: It even stopped my hallucinations for a... while. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Charlie, where you going? Come back, man. I need to borrow five dollars.
Manny: You see that, man? Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon. One teaspoon, 'cause it'll knock you out for five hours. But it works.
Jerome: Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.
Manny: Are you sick?
Manny: I didn't think so. Here you go, Chris, man. Remember what I said now. One teaspoon. You're all done. Uh! Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gave the same elixir to people who need to take paint off of cars.
Quote from Monk
Risky: Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't invite you over.
James: Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you?
Chris: Yeah, kind of.
Monk: Well, if that's the case, man, why don't you just give me the say-so. I'll clear these people out of here in seconds. See, I carry a container of napalm, just for such emergencies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was tempted to take him up on it.
Quote from Julius
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, Tonya was trying to fake not freezing to death.
Tonya: [coughs] Daddy, I'm cold.
Julius: That means it's working. Here, keep this on your forehead. Rochelle, what does the thermometer say?
Rochelle: Two below zero. Julius, you're giving her the chills.
Julius: I can cure the chills. My mother had a home remedy for the chills.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's called a blanket.
Rochelle: I tried your mother's chill remedy, and it gave me a rash.
Julius: Did you brew it overnight and strain it through an old tube sock?
Julius: Well, that's why. If you let me I make it the right way, then she'll feel as good as new.
Rochelle: What's that for?
Julius: So I can come back and get this food before it thaws out. I'm going to make the remedy. [coughing]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being alone with Tasha was like a dream come true. I'd jump for joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear.
Tasha: Aren't you going to come sit down?
Chris: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just wanted to make sure you got a good spot.
Tasha: So, what are you waiting for? Put it in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?!
Tasha: The tape, Chris. Put in the Richard Pryor tape.
Chris: Oh, yeah.