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‘Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad

305. Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad

Aired October 29, 2007

When his family comes down with the flu, Chris welcomes some privacy when he stays upstairs with Mr. Omar.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal..."
[As Ms. Morello faces the front of the class, Chris sneaks in and takes his seat behind her back]
Ms. Morello: ...even if they're on CP time. Good morning, Chris.
Chris: Good morning, Ms. Morello. I'm sorry I'm late, but my whole family is sick.
Ms. Morello: Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. Is it sickle cell, rickets, or swine flu?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is that like chitlin-itis?
Chris: Swine flu.
Ms. Morello: Your tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.

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Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Now, is this remedy of yours going to work?
Julius: Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...
Julius: Baking soda and a pomegranate.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were nauseous...
Julius: Catfish and grape jelly.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you were blind...
Julius: A tin cup and a white cane.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Oh, I'm calling the doctor.
Julius: For what?
Rochelle: We're all sick, Julius, remember? And now Tonya has a fever.
Julius: We've all got fevers. Besides, doctors cost money.
Rochelle: And so do funerals.
Julius: Look, all the doctor is going to say is that we need to get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, take some aspirin. We don't need to pay for that.
Rochelle: I can't believe your daughter is in there burning up and you are too cheap to call the doctor.
Julius: Call Chris, tell him to bring us some 'Tussin. We'll be okay. [coughs]

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad. With a dirty old bachelor.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Chris. Just getting in from a little afternoon delight?
Chris: Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.
Mr. Omar: You know, flu season to me is like tax season for accountants. That's when I do the most business. But I'm sure your family will be fine.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Chris: So, what's for dinner?
Mr. Omar: I'm having mac and cheese. What are you having?
Chris: I guess I'll have mac and cheese, too.
Mr. Omar: You must be having it someplace else, 'cause I'm all out.
Chris: Well, what else you got?
Mr. Omar: Uh, whatever's in the fridge.
Chris: What?! Man, do you know you have hair in here.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I know, that's my side business. My dear clients no longer have a need for their tresses-- tragic-- so I sell it to wig shops. I got a wide variety. I got curly, wavy, nappy, and Indian.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who wants nappy?
Chris: The only other thing you have in here is some expired milk, some prune juice... and what is this?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I do have some cheese. Now all we need is the macaroni.

Quote from Jerome

Chris: Anyway, I'm not even staying in my house. I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.
Monk: Mr. Omar? What you doing up there?
Chris: My whole family's sick; they got the flu.
Jerome: Sick? They in the hospital?
Chris: No.
Jerome: Damn!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was gonna rob my house.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You said they had the flu, right? Now, I got the cure for the flu right here. You should've asked me earlier. Here you go; check that out right there.
Chris: Does it work?
Risky: Oh, it worked for me.
Monk: Me too.
Kill Moves: It even stopped my hallucinations for a... while. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Charlie, where you going? Come back, man. I need to borrow five dollars.
Manny: You see that, man? Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon. One teaspoon, 'cause it'll knock you out for five hours. But it works.
Jerome: Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.
Manny: Are you sick?
Jerome: N-No.
Manny: I didn't think so. Here you go, Chris, man. Remember what I said now. One teaspoon. You're all done. Uh! Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gave the same elixir to people who need to take paint off of cars.

Quote from Monk

Risky: Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't invite you over.
James: Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you?
Chris: Yeah, kind of.
Monk: Well, if that's the case, man, why don't you just give me the say-so. I'll clear these people out of here in seconds. See, I carry a container of napalm, just for such emergencies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was tempted to take him up on it.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, Tonya was trying to fake not freezing to death.
Tonya: [coughs] Daddy, I'm cold.
Julius: That means it's working. Here, keep this on your forehead. Rochelle, what does the thermometer say?
Rochelle: Two below zero. Julius, you're giving her the chills.
Julius: I can cure the chills. My mother had a home remedy for the chills.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's called a blanket.
Rochelle: I tried your mother's chill remedy, and it gave me a rash.
Julius: Did you brew it overnight and strain it through an old tube sock?
Rochelle: No.
Julius: Well, that's why. If you let me I make it the right way, then she'll feel as good as new.
Rochelle: What's that for?
Julius: So I can come back and get this food before it thaws out. I'm going to make the remedy. [coughing]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being alone with Tasha was like a dream come true. I'd jump for joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear.
Tasha: Aren't you going to come sit down?
Chris: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just wanted to make sure you got a good spot.
Tasha: So, what are you waiting for? Put it in.
Chris: Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?!
Tasha: The tape, Chris. Put in the Richard Pryor tape.
Chris: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: What's going on?
Rochelle: [coughing] Baby, we're all sick. So I quarantined the rest of the house so you're just going to have to stay over there.
Chris: But where am I supposed to eat and sleep and go to the bathroom?
Rochelle: Well, baby, you can sleep on the couch. And then you can eat free sloppers over at Doc's. And I left you a bucket.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Great, what do I do when the bucket is full? [Julius and Rochelle cough]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Rochelle, this is crazy. First of all, you used $3.97 worth of plastic wrap. Second, Chris can't live like this. I called Mr. Omar. He can stay upstairs with him.
Rochelle: Oh, no, he can't go up there with all them loose women coming and going.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, he can.
Julius: Look, Mr. Omar promised he'd be on his best behavior. Chris will be fine. [coughs]
Rochelle: Julius, I don't know about this.
Julius: Look, either way, we ain't wasting this much plastic wrap. So, you might as well send him up to Omar's. [coughs]
Rochelle: [coughs] You gotta go upstairs, baby.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, this is so awesome. You got your own bachelor pad.
Chris: Yeah, it's great, besides the fact that there's an old man that lives there.
Greg: Yeah, but he's not an old man that tells you what to do. You're like Fonzie living upstairs on Happy Days.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [as Fonzie] Ey...
Chris: You know, this will be the first time I actually have some privacy.
Greg: Whenever I want privacy, my dad tells me to go in the backyard.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Oh, man, I just threw up buckets.
Tonya: [accidentally touches the thermometer she was holding against a lamp] Ow!
Drew: Why are you faking a fever?
Tonya: Because I forgot to study for my math quiz, and I don't want to get an "F."
Drew: If Mama finds out you aren't sick, she's going to kill you.
Tonya: If I get an "F," Mama will kill me. So why don't you mind your own business?

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Well, I'm going to bed.
Chris: So what time do you want me to turn off the lights?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I don't care. You can stay up all night if you want. And there's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki aka Death, Japanese Style.
Chris: Cool, thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death.
Chris: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Chris. Chris. Chris?!
Chris: [wakes up] What?
Mr. Omar: What time are you going to be home from school?
Chris: Like, 5:00. Why?
Mr. Omar: Can you make it midnight?
Chris: No. I'm a kid, I can't stay out that late.
Mr. Omar: Hmm. Yeah, you got a point. Well, in that case, I won't be home tonight.
Chris: Where are you going to be?
Mr. Omar: Minding my own business.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a guy who's never had a place to himself, Greg had a lot of ideas about what I should do.
Greg: Do you know what this means? You're in possession of the velvet trap.
Chris: Velvet trap? What does catch?
Greg: Don't you know who likes velvet?
Chris: Prince?
Greg: Him, too? But I was talking about girls. Girls like velvet.
Chris: Velvet... What are you talking about?
Greg: Your apartment-- velvet. You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could.
[fantasy: Greg sobs as he wears children's pajamas and sits on a plastic-covered couch]

Quote from Jerome

Manny: Which tape is it?
Chris: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
Kill Moves: Richard Pryor, huh? That's a good one!
Jerome: Hey, little dude, let me hold that tape.
Chris: I would, but I'm watching it again tonight.

Quote from Chris

Rochelle: [talking through the door] Now, are you sure this is going to work?
Chris: Worked for everybody on the block.
Rochelle: How many teaspoons do we need to take? One or two?
Chris: Six.
Rochelle: Six?!
Chris: Yeah, six.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew that was too much and I risked putting my family in a coma, but I wasn't risking my mother catching me with a girl.
[fantasy: as Chris and Tasha lean in on the couch, Rochelle busts through the wall wearing military fatiguies and holding a machine gun:]
Rochelle: [screaming and grunting] Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raising no babies!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even in a coma, my mother could sense trouble. I started out wanting to get a little privacy and ended up with a disaster. And at that moment, I wished for anything to get me out of that mess...
Rochelle: What is going on in here?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...except this.
[later, Rochelle yells at Chris in his bedroom:]
Rochelle: You better start looking, 'cause obviously you lost your mind. Upstairs partying while we're down here...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After my mother got through with me... Tonya... and Mr. Omar... I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.
Rochelle: Chris! [holding a belt] What is this I hear about you having some girl upstairs?
Chris: [sneezes]

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