Adult Chris: [v.o.] We waited for Gretzky like he was giving out cheese.
Black Bodyguard: You guys are still here?
Drew: Yeah. We're waiting for Gretzky. You said he'd be back in a few hours.
Black Bodyguard: Look, he's not coming back, okay? He had a change of plans and went right to the airport. I'm just checking out.
Chris: That's it. I give up. Drew, I'm sorry, but let's just go home, man.
Black Bodyguard: Hey, wait. [hands Drew a jersey] At least his name is spelled right.
Drew: Oh, man! [chuckling] Thanks!
Black Bodyguard: Gretzky wore that last night.
Drew: You mean, he actually wore this?
Black Bodyguard: Mm-hmm.
Drew: Man, I'm never washing it.

Julius: Are those my good potatoes?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not anymore!
Drew: Yeah, but I'll chop 'em up and make French fries after I turn my project in. Hey, check it out. I put a calendar on the front.
Tonya: I thought you were supposed to be making a car.
Rochelle: I thought you were supposed to be eating your dinner.
Drew: I was, but the potatoes were too weak to run it.
Julius: I wonder how many potatoes we need to get rid of the light bill.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Enough to make mashed potatoes for the next million years.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My brother Drew was so cool, he could do anything. But in the spring of '86, that changed.
Einstein: Here, take this thing away from me.
Drew: What's this?
Einstein: It's evil.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Rubik's Cube. The most diabolical puzzle ever invented. It caused nervous breakdowns, divorces and suicides because it was almost impossible to solve.
Drew: This looks easy.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew was looking to turn old junk into a new present.
Julius: What's all this, Drew?
Drew: I'm gonna sell some stuff so I can get some extra money to buy Mom's present.
Julius: I thought you had money saved up.
Drew: I did, but that was my "running of the bulls" money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Duh!

Tonya: Hey, Dad. Do you think Drew can borrow one of your hats?
Rochelle: Hat? Drew, get in here.
[When Drew walks in, his head is completely bald]
Rochelle: What the hell happened to your head?
Drew: Before I gave Tonya a finger wave, I decided I'd try it on myself. But I think I left the perm in too long.
Julius: That's $10 worth of perm.

Rochelle: Boy, what are you doing?
Drew: I'm gonna get on That's Incredible by using my psychic powers to bend this spoon.
Rochelle: Not with my good silver you're not. Go mind-bend a spork or something.

[As Drew walks barefoot on hot coals in the hallway:]
Police Officer: If you don't mind me asking, what in the world is he doing?
Drew: Well, he's trying to get on That's Incredible.
Police Officer: Son, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but That's Incredible has been off the air for two years now. They're called reruns.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing that hurt more than Drew's feet was my sore behind after my mom gave me a whoopin'.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my brother.
Drew: This year, I'm not going to take any more girls from Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We'll see about that.
Girl: That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?
Chris: I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, everybody was talking except me.
Drew: All the lights went out and then these guys came in Doc's and Doc said they could loot, but they were gonna do it with a bullet in their behind. And then they left. It was so cool.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother made birthday plans, Drew made plans to see birthday suits.
Drew: Wow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was trying to get something every young boy wanted.
Drew: X-ray glasses. Cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm waiting for them to come out with X-ray contact lenses.