Beverly: Hey, Geoff. Oh, you'll be happy to know that Jinzy will be crying into her nothing-flavored holiday cookies because we nailed it.
Geoff: You took the photo without me?
Erica: Yes, 'cause they are the worst... The worst. So, let's just rush away and never speak of this again.
Beverly: Wait a minute. We wanted Geoff in the picture. You're the one who said he had explosive diarrhea.
Erica: What? No. And I definitely did not say "explosive."
Adam: You did, and it read as true.
Murray: Been there.
Pops: It's our people's burden.
Barry: Shame only makes it worse.

Barry: [answers phone] JTP residence. Go for Big Tasty.
Barry's voice: It's Barry.
Barry: No, I'm Barry.
Barry's voice: This is definitely Barry.
Barry: No, I'm Barry.
Barry's voice: This is still Barry.
Barry: No. I'm Barry.
Barry's voice: Uh-oh! Barry did it again.
Barry: What did I do?
Barry's voice: I'm Barry. I'm enjoying a shower.
Barry: No, I'm not. Wait. Are you my evil twin? Listen, we can work together.
Barry's voice: Thanks for stopping by!
Barry: Hold on... Erica?
Erica: Miss you! Bye!
[Barry slams the receiver]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Geoff had sent a clear message that he was no longer helping anyone, but that message hadn't gotten through.
Professor: In Egypt, a great deal of art was created to honor the pharaoh.
Erica: [whispering] Psst! Geoff! Did you buy peanut butter?
Geoff: What? I'm in class.
Erica: Yeah, but just, like, a quick yes or no, 'cause I'm walking past the Wawa and I got chunky on the mind.
Geoff: Yes.
Erica: Okay, great. Wait, yes, you bought it or yes, we need it?
Geoff: Yes, we have stupid peanut butter!
Erica: [chuckles nervously] Don't mind me. Just a PB emergency. Go back to your super important art talk.
Barry: Geoffrey Antoinette Schwartz!
Geoff: Oh, God.
Erica: Dumbwads, he is in class! Your stupid thing can wait. What kind of jam do I like?

Erica: What the hell? You got an A, too?
Barry: Yeah. I cranked that bad boy out quick. That's Barry's number-one trick for academic success... Speed.
Erica: There is no way we both earned A's.
Barry: Erica, when you say things like that, it makes me think you think I'm not intelligent.
Erica: I don't. You are widely considered stupider than me by family, society, and any jacket with a zipper.
Barry: That was one jacket! And you're just mad that I got the same grade as you.

Barry: You're unbelievable! Did you know this was the first girl I liked since Lainey?
Erica: Please, do not try to convince me that this thing with our teacher is real.
Barry: Why not?
Erica: Maybe because you're shaped like Grimace from McDonald's?
Barry: Oh, thank you. That purple gumdrop is a delight.
Erica: He is not a delight. Grimace is a simpleton with short, useless arms.
Barry: He could still carry a shake! And his clumsy antics are the perfect foil for Ronald. He gets the job done.
Erica: What job? And, oh, my God, it's conversations like this that make me certain our hot teacher couldn't like you.

Erica: Dude, the most bananas thing just happened! I was minding my business and making mouth sounds into a desk fan, when I switched bodies with Erica.
Geoff: What's going on?
Erica: It's me. Big Tasty. But I'm stuck in this dumb lady body, and I can't even nunchuck. See? I usually have the skills of a bajillion Bruce Lees.
Geoff: This is weird, sweetie.
Erica: Sweetie? Don't be gross, you turd.
Barry: Hey! I'm Erica. I like dumb leather boots or being a wiseass. I'm sad and pathetic... [Erica hits Barry with the nunchuks] Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, no.
Erica: Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good with these things.
Barry: Ow. [groans]

Geoff: Guess who has two thumbs and great news, even though one of those thumbs was injured opening a bottle of Snapple and I should see a doctor.
Erica: Just say the thing, Geoff.
Geoff: This guy! Ow. I got us two tickets to see The Go-Go's.
Erica: Pass.
Geoff: But The Go-Go's are your favorite band.
Erica: Just take Barry or one of the other misshapen dopes in the JTP.
Geoff: Barry doesn't like girl rock. He said it scares and titillates him. And then he giggled when he said "titillate," like, a lot.
Erica: He lost it when our Aunt Rose had angina.

Geoff: Are these all parking tickets?
Erica: Yeah, they are. That's why they're in the parking ticket drawer.
Geoff: You've gotten a ticket in every illegal zone there is... Red, yellow, blue. What's green?
Erica: That's for parking on grass. But what was I supposed to do? There was no red curb.
Geoff: You can't park in either! My betrothed is a scofflaw!
Erica: Calm down, Jane Austen. Campus parking tickets don't count.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, they did.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, my brother told them all about his fake honeymoon with Ren, ending with the magical smooch.
Erica: [gags]
Geoff: Oh, hon, I thought you weren't nauseous anymore.
Erica: [gags] I wasn't, but the thought of Barry kissing another one of my friends?

Erica: Just tell me why you're doing this.
Barry: To win Ren's heart. And all the other good parts.
Erica: Ugh! How many times do I have to say this? Just stay away from my friends!
Barry: Tell them to stay away from me! She kissed me twice!
Erica: On spring break! That is the one time a year that you are allowed to make horrible mistakes because of heatstroke and slushy rum drinks.