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‘Geoff the Pleaser’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: Geoff the Pleaser

713. Geoff the Pleaser

Aired January 29, 2020

Geoff realizes Erica and the JTP are taking advantage of his need to please people. Meanwhile, Adam questions his future as a filmmaker.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Okay, first up is L. Lower expectations. It's something I've perfected over time.
Adam: Dad, can you quiz me with these science flash cards? Ah, who am I kidding? In all my years, you've never shown interest in my education.
Geoff: He thinks you're a worthless dad.
Murray: That took a lot of not doing. Next up is U. When there's no way out of something, underwhelm.
Beverly: This is how you wash a dish? Okay, no more washing dishes for you!
Geoff: You did a horrible job, and now she'll never ask you again.
Murray: I'm the worst. Next up is M, which stands for "mumble" and "moron."
Erica: Hey, Dad, can you show me how to change the oil in my car?
Murray: [mumbling]
Erica: What does that even mean?
Murray: Leave me alone, ya moron!

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Quote from Murray

Geoff: So brilliant! So, what's P?
Murray: It's the thing I'm most proud of. Pants.
Geoff: Pants?
Murray: Why do you think I come in the house and take off my pants?
Geoff: I assumed it had to do with comfort and generally just giving up.
Murray: Yes, but also, who's the least likely person to be asked to do anything?
Geoff: Oh, my God. The guy with no pants.
Pops: Hey, Mur, could you give me a ride to the pharmacy... Oh, he's not even wearing pants. I'll bus it.
Geoff: My God. You have given me such a gift!
Murray: It's my life's work. Don't waste it. Get out there and do as little as you can.
Geoff: I'm gonna do nothing and make you proud.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After realizing he was too much of a pleaser, Geoff sought help from the one person who never pleased anyone at all.
Murray: Why are you in front of the TV, Schwartz? It's a quarter to Remington Steele.
Geoff: Mr. G, I-I'm worried I'm a pleaser.
Murray: Well, you're not pleasing me right now.
Geoff: Everyone always wants me to do stuff for them, and I don't know how to say no. Y- You never do anything for anyone.
Murray: It's easy. Lump.
Geoff: As in just sit there and never move?
Murray: Definitely. But also L-U-M-P. It's my secret for not doing anything for anyone.
Geoff: You're a lazy monster, and that's what I need. Please, let me learn at your idle feet.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] With my dad's advice, Geoff was ready to be a lump of his own.
Erica: Hey, Geoff, could you run to the mailroom and get my mail for me?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He lowered expectations.
Geoff: Erica, when have I ever done stuff like that for you?
Erica: Only all the time.
Geoff: Yeah, well, not in the last two minutes, so stop expecting it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He underwhelmed.
Naked Rob: Geoff, you said you were going to make a chore wheel for our house.
Geoff: Oh, right, right. [writes on a napkin] Here you go.
Andy: Yeah, this seems less like a chore wheel and more like a napkin with the words "Andy" and "mop."
Geoff: That's how Geoff do?
Barry: Unacceptable, Geoff! Your chore-wheel-making privileges are revoked.

Quote from Geoff

Naked Rob: And you need to come over. Our clean-up skills are not strong.
Barry: I spilled a lot of Kool-Aid. Whatever you picture a lot is, like, way more.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He mumbled and he moron-ed.
Geoff: [mumbles]
Barry: What?
Geoff: And also leave me alone, morons!
Matt: Super un-Geoff of you, man.
Erica: Are you going to get my mail or not?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Finally, it was time for the pants.
Barry: Oh. It's about time he's swinging into action. [zipper opens] What?
Andy: No!
Naked Rob: Bad Geoff!
Matt: He's not wearing pants. Dude's clearly not going anywhere.
Andy: Okay, let's go, guys. Maybe there's a panted savior that can help us.
Geoff: Holy crap. My pants are on the floor, and my spirits are through the roof.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, there wasn't a Hollywood awards show every week. There was just one. I loved it. The Oscars.
[montage:]
Adam: Atta boy, Rain Man! Eighty-two toothpicks and one shiny statuette!
Adam: Yes, Meryl. Sophie might've had a tough choice, but the Academy sure didn't.
Adam: Robert De Niro! More like Robert my hero.
Adam: I agree. You rocked me, Amadeus.
Pops: Who the hell are you talking to?

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But as an aspiring filmmaker and son of Beverly Goldberg, there was another, lesser-known awards show I was forced to endure.
Beverly: And now, the mom-ent we've all been waiting for, the Acade-mom Award for Best Picture.
Adam: I thought last year was the end of this, when I got my Lifetime Achieve-mom Award.
Beverly: Your whining is why the ceremony always runs over.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: And the Mom-inees are... Inspector Fudge, a parody, directed by Adam Goldberg.
Pops: We all knew he was gonna find the fudge. It's in his name!
Beverly: The Partially Dressed Gun, a parody of the parody The Naked Gun, directed by Adam F. Goldberg.
Pops: I didn't care for that one.
Adam: 'Cause you never saw the source material!
Beverly: Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F. Goldberg.
Pops: That one, at least I understood.
Beverly: And the Mommy goes to...
Pops: I'm nervous for you, kid.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F. Goldberg! [laughs] Get on up here, Adam! It's a sweep!
Adam: Ah, fine. Thank you for recognizing a video I made to kill three hours over Labor Day weekend.
Beverly: Is there anyone you'd like to thank?
Adam: Uh... Thank you to Mrs. Kremp for letting us throw pies at her garage.
Beverly: And?
Adam: Thank you to my father for buying me blank tapes to film on.
Beverly: And? Anyone who inspired you?
Adam: All the other filmmakers who came before me.
Beverly: [chuckles] Surely, there is someone who always believed in you and gave you life.
Pops: Just say the words, Adam.
Adam: Fine. I'd also like to thank my mother.
Beverly: Oh! W-What? Oh, my God! That's my son! I made him, so I deserve this. Um, my heart is racing right now. I promised I wouldn't cry, but, uh... You like me! You really like me!

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Guess who's auditing Art History. It's me.
Erica: Good for you, babe. I didn't know you liked art history.
Geoff: Me neither, but I was aimlessly wandering the campus, as I like to do on Mondays and Fridays and the other three weekdays, and I passed this lecture hall...
Erica: And you got drawn in?
Geoff: You're ahead of the story, but yes. Now the story's caught up to you.
Erica: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Quote from Barry

Matt: Geoff, we need your sick managerial skills.
Erica: Well, too bad, dips. My worldly fella is too busy auditing Art History.
Andy: Auditing? Like, not for credit?
Barry: Then why do it?
Geoff: Because it's totally inspiring to expand my horizons through the pursuit of knowledge.
Barry: Since he can't come up with a reason, Geoff's gonna focus on something that actually does matter... Our deeply concerning living situation.
Erica: Like Geoff's actually gonna... [Geoff is suddenly holding a toolbox and wearing a maintenance overcoat] What the hell, dude?
Geoff: I have time to help a little.
Barry: Smart choice, Geoff. Now grab some rubber gloves, knee pads, sneakers you don't care about, and a plunger. First task is more toilet-related than not.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom was always there when I needed or wanted something, and fortunately, we had a shorthand.
Adam: Hey, Mama...
Beverly: From your tone, I can tell you're gonna need more fancy and expensive camera equipment.
Adam: From your tone, I'm getting that you'll happily pay for it. See, there's...
Beverly: A film festival at school? How exciting! And I know...
Adam: Deep in your heart that I'm gonna win because I'm, by far...
Beverly: The most talented boy in the world? Yes! Here. I'll give you a...
Adam: Blank check so I can...
Beverly: Go to the camera store and get...
Adam: Whatever I need, no questions asked, because you...
Beverly: Love and believe in you like...
Adam: No mom has ever loved and believed in her son. Thanks...
Beverly: Mama. You're...
Adam: Welcome, my sweet forever-baby.
Dave Kim: Dude, a real relationship's gonna be very hard for you one day.
Beverly: Oh, he already has a real relationship. With me. [chuckles] We had a ceremony and everything when he was four. Take this to the camera store and spend hard.

Quote from Pops

Pops: This isn't over, is it?
Beverly: Nope.
Pops: You're gonna go destroy that poor other Adam Goldberg, aren't you?
Beverly: Damn right I am.
Pops: Why do I bother asking? I know all the answers.

Quote from Beverly

Other Adam: Can I answer any questions for you, ma'am?
Beverly: Oh, just one. Uh, who the [bleep] do you think you are?
Other Adam: Whoa! This is a family-friendly audio-video store. Except for that section over behind the saloon doors.
Beverly: You spoke to my son, also Adam Goldberg, and snuffed out his perfect little-boy dreams.
Other Adam: Look, lady, I just call 'em like I see 'em. It's tough to make it in the movies.
Beverly: Oh, for you, maybe. [chuckles] But not for my little Stanley Schmoo-brick.
Other Adam: Well, that gives me a sense of what I'm dealing with here. Next time, I won't burst the little bubble you keep him in.
Beverly: No next time. This time. You are gonna fix this.
Other Adam: And how am I gonna do that?
Beverly: Simple. I'm casting you in the role of a lifetime, as "guy who gets his big break."
Other Adam: Sorry, but I kinda put acting on hold.
Beverly: Well, take it off hold. The pay's $50. [Other Adam scoffs] Well, I suppose I could throw in, uh, me not coming down here every day and making your life miserable.
Other Adam: All right, I'm on the project.

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Geoff had sent a clear message that he was no longer helping anyone, but that message hadn't gotten through.
Professor: In Egypt, a great deal of art was created to honor the pharaoh.
Erica: [whispering] Psst! Geoff! Did you buy peanut butter?
Geoff: What? I'm in class.
Erica: Yeah, but just, like, a quick yes or no, 'cause I'm walking past the Wawa and I got chunky on the mind.
Geoff: Yes.
Erica: Okay, great. Wait, yes, you bought it or yes, we need it?
Geoff: Yes, we have stupid peanut butter!
Erica: [chuckles nervously] Don't mind me. Just a PB emergency. Go back to your super important art talk.
Barry: Geoffrey Antoinette Schwartz!
Geoff: Oh, God.
Erica: Dumbwads, he is in class! Your stupid thing can wait. What kind of jam do I like?

Quote from Barry

Barry: JTP.
All: [shivering] JTP.
Andy: Guys, I am so cold. I don't think I can make it another night here.
Matt: Also, have you guys noticed there's no water coming out of the faucet?
Barry: Hilarious. We're lovable screw-ups you can't help rooting for.
Andy: Eh, I don't think anyone would root for us if they saw our bathroom. It is rough sledding in there.
Matt: I don't go in there anymore. I signed up for a water aerobics class at the Y so I can get my body in water once a week.
Andy: Smart.
Naked Rob: And I use the Wawa bathroom down the street.
Matt: I don't want to be this guy, but I'm worried about us.
Barry: Silence, un-silent Matt Bradley! I have an idea for how to solve all our problems.

Quote from Barry

Murray: Why am I looking at toweled morons?
Barry: Because our water's out, so I told everyone they could use our free-flowing suburban water.
Murray: Well, here's the deal... Get out!
Barry: [groans] I knew this would happen.
Matt: And yet you made us bike across town in the snow in only robes and towels?
Barry: To our frozen bikes. I have another surefire iffy idea.

Quote from Barry

Erica: What the hell, JTP? You're supposed to knock so we can not answer.
Barry: We need your shower.
Naked Rob: And your soap.
Matt: And your strawberry-scented conditioner.
Andy: And a lift home. I cannot ride that ice bike anymore.
Erica: No, no, and no, dorks.
Geoff: Why don't you guys shower at your place?
Barry: Because, Obvious Geoffrey, the city stopped sending us water.
Geoff: Did you try calling so they'll resume service?
Barry: No, but in fairness, there was no way to know my more impractical ideas wouldn't work.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While the JTP was finally getting some help, the AV Club was about to get some very exciting news.
Coach Nick: Listen up, AV scrubs. Every club has to have a faculty advisor. Due to me losing 12 consecutive rounds of rock-paper-scissors, I'm yours. Anyway, as I tend to see things through a sports lens, I've decided that we're gonna have a school-wide movie championship.
Adam: You mean like a film festival? I've been begging for one for years.
Johnny: Count Johnny Atkins in.
Emmy: Johnny Atkins? Since when are you in the AV Club?
Johnny: Since they found asbestos in the detention room. Heh! [coughs]
Adam: Question, Coach Advisor. Is there a format restriction? 8 millimeter? 16 millimeter? Super 8? Super 16?
Coach Nick: Super annoying question! Make a movie!
Adam: Dealer's choice on the format. Nice.
Coach Nick: Just know I like movies about sports, war, and lost dogs finding their way home.

Quote from Adam

Emmy: What can we expect from our big-time director over here?
Adam: My development slate for next year is pretty full, but I can fast-track a festival darling.
Dave Kim: He's totally insufferable. That's how you know he's the best.
Adam: Although, I might take a quick do-si-do outside my comfort zone. I'll be working in the new Super VHS.
Emmy: But you'll need to buy a new camera.
Adam: Silly Emmy. I'm what you call completely spoiled.

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