Murray: Okay, first up is L. Lower expectations. It's something I've perfected over time.
Adam: Dad, can you quiz me with these science flash cards? Ah, who am I kidding? In all my years, you've never shown interest in my education.
Geoff: He thinks you're a worthless dad.
Murray: That took a lot of not doing. Next up is U. When there's no way out of something, underwhelm.
Beverly: This is how you wash a dish? Okay, no more washing dishes for you!
Geoff: You did a horrible job, and now she'll never ask you again.
Murray: I'm the worst. Next up is M, which stands for "mumble" and "moron."
Erica: Hey, Dad, can you show me how to change the oil in my car?
Murray: [mumbling]
Erica: What does that even mean?
Murray: Leave me alone, ya moron!

Geoff: So brilliant! So, what's P?
Murray: It's the thing I'm most proud of. Pants.
Geoff: Pants?
Murray: Why do you think I come in the house and take off my pants?
Geoff: I assumed it had to do with comfort and generally just giving up.
Murray: Yes, but also, who's the least likely person to be asked to do anything?
Geoff: Oh, my God. The guy with no pants.
Pops: Hey, Mur, could you give me a ride to the pharmacy... Oh, he's not even wearing pants. I'll bus it.
Geoff: My God. You have given me such a gift!
Murray: It's my life's work. Don't waste it. Get out there and do as little as you can.
Geoff: I'm gonna do nothing and make you proud.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After realizing he was too much of a pleaser, Geoff sought help from the one person who never pleased anyone at all.
Murray: Why are you in front of the TV, Schwartz? It's a quarter to Remington Steele.
Geoff: Mr. G, I-I'm worried I'm a pleaser.
Murray: Well, you're not pleasing me right now.
Geoff: Everyone always wants me to do stuff for them, and I don't know how to say no. Y- You never do anything for anyone.
Murray: It's easy. Lump.
Geoff: As in just sit there and never move?
Murray: Definitely. But also L-U-M-P. It's my secret for not doing anything for anyone.
Geoff: You're a lazy monster, and that's what I need. Please, let me learn at your idle feet.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] With my dad's advice, Geoff was ready to be a lump of his own.
Erica: Hey, Geoff, could you run to the mailroom and get my mail for me?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He lowered expectations.
Geoff: Erica, when have I ever done stuff like that for you?
Erica: Only all the time.
Geoff: Yeah, well, not in the last two minutes, so stop expecting it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He underwhelmed.
Naked Rob: Geoff, you said you were going to make a chore wheel for our house.
Geoff: Oh, right, right. [writes on a napkin] Here you go.
Andy: Yeah, this seems less like a chore wheel and more like a napkin with the words "Andy" and "mop."
Geoff: That's how Geoff do?
Barry: Unacceptable, Geoff! Your chore-wheel-making privileges are revoked.

Naked Rob: And you need to come over. Our clean-up skills are not strong.
Barry: I spilled a lot of Kool-Aid. Whatever you picture a lot is, like, way more.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He mumbled and he moron-ed.
Geoff: [mumbles]
Barry: What?
Geoff: And also leave me alone, morons!
Matt: Super un-Geoff of you, man.
Erica: Are you going to get my mail or not?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Finally, it was time for the pants.
Barry: Oh. It's about time he's swinging into action. [zipper opens] What?
Andy: No!
Naked Rob: Bad Geoff!
Matt: He's not wearing pants. Dude's clearly not going anywhere.
Andy: Okay, let's go, guys. Maybe there's a panted savior that can help us.
Geoff: Holy crap. My pants are on the floor, and my spirits are through the roof.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, there wasn't a Hollywood awards show every week. There was just one. I loved it. The Oscars.
[montage:]
Adam: Atta boy, Rain Man! Eighty-two toothpicks and one shiny statuette!
Adam: Yes, Meryl. Sophie might've had a tough choice, but the Academy sure didn't.
Adam: Robert De Niro! More like Robert my hero.
Adam: I agree. You rocked me, Amadeus.
Pops: Who the hell are you talking to?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But as an aspiring filmmaker and son of Beverly Goldberg, there was another, lesser-known awards show I was forced to endure.
Beverly: And now, the mom-ent we've all been waiting for, the Acade-mom Award for Best Picture.
Adam: I thought last year was the end of this, when I got my Lifetime Achieve-mom Award.
Beverly: Your whining is why the ceremony always runs over.

Beverly: And the Mom-inees are... Inspector Fudge, a parody, directed by Adam Goldberg.
Pops: We all knew he was gonna find the fudge. It's in his name!
Beverly: The Partially Dressed Gun, a parody of the parody The Naked Gun, directed by Adam F. Goldberg.
Pops: I didn't care for that one.
Adam: 'Cause you never saw the source material!
Beverly: Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F. Goldberg.
Pops: That one, at least I understood.
Beverly: And the Mommy goes to...
Pops: I'm nervous for you, kid.

Beverly: Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F. Goldberg! [laughs] Get on up here, Adam! It's a sweep!
Adam: Ah, fine. Thank you for recognizing a video I made to kill three hours over Labor Day weekend.
Beverly: Is there anyone you'd like to thank?
Adam: Uh... Thank you to Mrs. Kremp for letting us throw pies at her garage.
Beverly: And?
Adam: Thank you to my father for buying me blank tapes to film on.
Beverly: And? Anyone who inspired you?
Adam: All the other filmmakers who came before me.
Beverly: [chuckles] Surely, there is someone who always believed in you and gave you life.
Pops: Just say the words, Adam.
Adam: Fine. I'd also like to thank my mother.
Beverly: Oh! W-What? Oh, my God! That's my son! I made him, so I deserve this. Um, my heart is racing right now. I promised I wouldn't cry, but, uh... You like me! You really like me!

Geoff: Guess who's auditing Art History. It's me.
Erica: Good for you, babe. I didn't know you liked art history.
Geoff: Me neither, but I was aimlessly wandering the campus, as I like to do on Mondays and Fridays and the other three weekdays, and I passed this lecture hall...
Erica: And you got drawn in?
Geoff: You're ahead of the story, but yes. Now the story's caught up to you.
Erica: Well, I'm very happy for you.