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‘Island Time’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Island Time

719. Island Time

Aired April 1, 2020

Barry, Erica, Geoff and the JTP go on a Spring Break trip to a discount resort. Meanwhile, Adam questions whether college is for him after he flunks math.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Inside this envelope is my PSAT scores.
Beverly: The warm‐up test before the real test. Oh! The stakes have never been higher.
Pops: That sounds wrong, but sure.
Beverly: What's in this envelope could guarantee a full ride to an ivy or shame you into a state school, where your friends will be dentists, newspaper writers, and, God forbid, teachers.

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Quote from Adam

Mr. Perott: Adam, these scores are not so hot. I thought nerds were good at math.
Adam: I'm more of a geek. W‐ We're still social and physical klutzes with quirky personalities, but we have intense passions for fringe interests.
Mr. Perott: And what's a dweeb?
Adam: Look, it's a rich continuum of discomfort, but what should I do about my test scores?

Quote from Murray

Beverly: So?
Murray: Why have we never been to Portugal?
Beverly: Who gives a crap about Portugal? How'd it go with Adam's guidance counselor?
Murray: I think Adam's gonna spend about a year figuring it out.
Beverly: What?! No, you were supposed to be the bad cop!
Murray: You know, I've never been barefoot on anything but tile. Tile, Bevy! It's no way to live!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: Look into your heart. Who would you rather be a ward to?
Adam: I just wanna make movies, man!
Mr. Perott: Then go make 'em, Adam.
Mr. Glascott: The boy needs to attend college. His she‐devil mother demands it.
Adam: Wait, my mom was behind this?
Mr. Glascott: Ah. Yes. Dang it. And I dress up like Prince on the weekends. The secret is out. [chuckles] She can't hurt me now.

Quote from Naked Rob

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, you couldn't just book a vacation on the Internet. Nope. The only way to get away was with the help of a pro... a travel agent.
John Calabasas: Excuse me, gentlemen, would you know where I can find the party people on this campus?
Andy: Maybe the geology building?
Naked Rob: Over at that dorm that looks like a motel?
Barry: JTP, get your act together. We are the party people on campus.
Andy: I did just go to my niece's fourth b‐day party, so I guess it's technically true.
Naked Rob: Shayna's four? Where does the time go?

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Oh, here it is! Here it is! On your verbal portion, you got in the 90th percentile!
Pops: That's really high! [chuckles]
Beverly: Okay, and on your math... you got in the bottom 5th percentile.
Pops: That's really low.
Adam: Is it? I'm not really a numbers guy.
Pops: Yeah, I'm getting that.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Okay, I'm not gonna overreact, but this is the worst disaster that's ever happened to any family ever.
Pops: I walked across Europe as a child, but sure.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: That beautiful dum‐dum needs to get his head screwed on straight.
Pops: So, what's your plan? You gonna ride him like a show pony till he bends to your will?
Beverly: Adam's graduating next year, and I don't want to send him into the world upset with me. I'm gonna be the good cop so he can be upset with other people.
Pops: That does make some sense.
Beverly: And I'll come out of this still the number‐one lady in his life, now and forever.
Pops: That makes less sense.

Quote from Adam

Mr. Perott: Adam, let me ask you something... why NYU?
Adam: The film program. It's top notch.
Mr. Perott: Then you want to be a filmmaker? Well, then it's all good.
Adam: Oh, great. I was starting to worry NYU wasn't an option.
Mr. Perott: That's a good instinct, because you'll never get in there. But that's okay. Listen, college isn't always a necessity if you want to be a filmmaker. I bet a lot of your film heroes never even went to fancy film school.
Adam: Heck, Tony Scott had a worthless art degree, and he made "Top Gun."
Mr. Perott: There you go. Take the money you would've given to NYU and go make a movie. And put Bob Balaban in it. He's fantastic.
Adam: I dunno.
Mr. Perott: What about Hector Elizondo?
Adam: No, they're both solid character actors that deserve their own thing, but I meant I don't know
about skipping college.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] So, easily stepping into the shoes of bad cop, my dad went to school and laid down the law. That day, my father explained all the reasons why college was the only thing that mattered to him in life.
Murray: And in conclusion... moron!
Mr. Perott: Okay, I get it. You're angry.
Murray: I didn't work my whole life so my son wouldn't go to college.
Mr. Perott: Mr. Goldberg, what did you work your whole life for, huh? When was the last time you saw a sunset or drank fresh rainwater from the sky, or went to Portugal, huh?
Murray: Portugal? Who the hell's got time for Portugal?
Mr. Perott: Look, Mr. Goldberg, I did not tell your son not to go to college. I just told him he had options, and maybe it would do him good to see the world.
Murray: He can do that later.
Mr. Perott: When? Have you done that? Or have you been, uh, as you put it, "Working your whole life"?

Quote from Geoff

Barry: Hey! Ready to hit the club? Drinking age is 10, but they don't card.
Geoff: Yeah, as fun and alarming as that sounds, I‐I gotta stay with Erica.
Barry: Damn it, Schwartz! I knew you'd bail on our boys' trip. All you wanna do is party with my sister.
Geoff: Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call it a party.
Erica: Oh, everything inside me's coming out of my face!
Geoff: Okay, just try to make it to the bathroom, sweetie!
Barry: Oh, my God. What am I looking at?
Geoff: Yeah, it's not great.
Erica: I need towels, I need Gatorade, and I need a doctor who doesn't also work the omelet station!
Geoff: On it, my dove!
Erica: [vomits]
Geoff: I'm sorry, Bar. When she's at her weakest, I have to be my strongest.
Erica: Shut the door!

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After his kiss with Ren, Barry needed guidance from the closest thing he knew to a married couple.
Geoff: Oh, babe, Barry's here to check on you.
Erica: Oh, I feel a lot better, actually.
Barry: I don't care. Healthy, sick, basically dead. I need advice.

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, my brother told them all about his fake honeymoon with Ren, ending with the magical smooch.
Erica: [gags]
Geoff: Oh, hon, I thought you weren't nauseous anymore.
Erica: [gags] I wasn't, but the thought of Barry kissing another one of my friends?

Quote from Barry

Barry: What can I say? Ladies love my semi‐symmetrical face and curves for days.
Geoff: Is it possible Ren kissed you to keep up the ruse of your fake marriage?
Erica: Yes. That is the only logical conclusion.
Barry: It was real. She winked at me afterwards. It was like she was saying, "Yeah, boy. I'm all about those lips."
Erica: [gags]
Geoff: Or maybe that wink meant, "We fooled them."
Barry: Impossible. For one incredible moment, time magically stopped and our mouths danced as one.
Erica: [vomits]

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that meant tracking down Mr. Glascott, my old guidance counselor, who was more than a little afraid of Beverly Goldberg.
Mr. Glascott: [whistling]
Beverly: [eerily] Glascott. Glascott. Glascott. Come out and play‐ay.
Mr. Glascott: Ah! Come on!
Beverly: Glascott. [engine starts]
Mr. Glascott: Ah! Please be gentle! I'm a father to a parent!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Beverly: I need you to be Adam's guidance counselor again.
Mr. Glascott: No, I did everything to get away from you. I switched my roster from A through M to N through Z, despite the fact that I was on the verge of some real breakthroughs with a couple of the D's.
Beverly: Of course, it would be a shame if the cruel, judgmental teens of William Penn found out about this.
Mr. Glascott: [gasps] Oh, no. You discovered my Prince tribute cabaret show.
Beverly: So moving. Even doves would cry.
Mr. Glascott: But that's not for the general public. It's for friends and family and industry if they're interested.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Evening, my good man. Can you tell us where the party's at?
Naked Rob: We're ready to spring break!
Lon MacDowell: Oh. [chuckles] Well, it's 9:00 a. m., so you can enjoy our Tuesday brunch buffet.
Andy: Tuesday? Did we just sleep for 36 hours straight?
Naked Rob: Oh, no! Island time has robbed us of real‐world time.
Andy: Damn you, island time!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Barry's spring break had gone off the rails, my mom had scared Mr. Glascott into steering me back on track.
Mr. Glascott: So, you see, Adam, most who wander are lost, unless they wander into a PSAT prep course and then onto the campus of NYU for a life of parent‐pleasing success.
Adam: I guess it does seem safer than backpacking across Europe.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Adam: Hey, Mr. P. How's it going?
Mr. Perott: Well, I guess it's going to Mr. Glascott now. I thought we had a rapport, then you requested a new counselor.
Adam: Wait, what?
Mr. Glascott: Keep walking, Perott. The boy is mine. Don't try to poach my ward.
Mr. Perott: I didn't poach your ward. You poached my ward, Glascott.
Adam: You guys call us "wards"?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Morning, Schmoo. I made your favorite... waffles shaped like the Death Star. [Adam walks out without saying a word] Great. Do you know how long it took me to make these? Not long. They're just circles.

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