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‘It's a Wonderful Life’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: It's a Wonderful Life

710. It's a Wonderful Life

Aired December 11, 2019

The JTP get tired of Barry's antics in their apartment and start to wonder what life would be without him. Meanwhile, Geoff wants to be part of the Goldbergs' holiday card.

Quote from Matt

Adam: Fine. Tell me how bad you wanna hurt him.
Andy: Well, he's rude, inconsiderate, and destructive.
Naked Rob: He did unspeakable things in my BVDs.
Adam: Say no more.
Matt: He soggied my cotton bottoms.
Adam: What part of "no more" don't you understand?
Matt: He freckled my Fruit of the Looms.
Adam: I get it.
Matt: He skidded my scanties!
Adam: I have a full picture!

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Quote from Pops

Beverly: Everyone, shut your nog holes! Look at the Kremps' Christmas card.
Pops: They're literally glowing. They look like the Kennedys... But with no Teds.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Except you're forgetting one thing.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep. We had our own crazy holiday cards. But the matching outfits and stupid poses hid the fact that every single session was torture.
Adam: It looks like a yearbook for an insane asylum.
Murray: Ha! He got you good, Bevy. Hey, kid, I like having you around.
Adam: Thanks, I guess. I'm your son who lives here, so it's a little weird.

Quote from Naked Rob

Naked Rob: I love It's a Wonderful Life. It reminds me it is a wonderful life.

Quote from Barry

Matt: Uh, we've been talking and feel you could be a little more... Respectful of our stuff.
Barry: When am I disrespectful, stupid Matt Bradley?
Naked Rob: For instance, you constantly use my toothbrush.
Barry: To clean the shower, so you're welcome.
Matt: And every time I get home from work, you "ninja surprise" me with a bo staff to the belly.
Barry: I thought you were a burglar.
Matt: Six times?
Andy: And you ate my allergy medicine.
Barry: I regret that one. Tasted real bad.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: As the JTP wished Barry would chill out, my mom was firing up the Festival of Lights.
Beverly: And amen. [blows]
Adam: We just had to sit through all that Hebrew jibber-jabber. Now where's our presents?
Beverly: Gotta start off Hanukkah with a bang. Tube socks! Tube socks! Tube socks!
Geoff: Hoo! These stripey bad boys will fit in all my shoes.
Erica: As your romantic partner, the sock excitement isn't working for me.
Geoff: I'm gonna do better.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Dude, my mom's down there trying to talk Pops into being the top of our human pyramid. Is this really what you want to be a part of?
Geoff: I'm not married to a pyramid, but some sort of people-stacking with your family is what I want. I mean, we've been dating for years now, and I'm with your family all the time, and now we're living together.
Erica: That last thing being our very carefully guarded secret.
Geoff: I know. And it might be corny, but it's what I want.
Erica: Geoff, you're such a sweet and sensitive boy, which is why I say this in the gentlest way possible. Don't be a [bleep] idiot.
Geoff: [gasps] Not in front of Bear-rah Fawcett!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Okay. You need to accept it's not gonna happen.
Geoff: Why not?
Erica: It's my parents. They're just old-fashioned that way.
Geoff: Well, then I guess I'll just have to get your family to see what they're missing out on. My Geoffer-vescence.
Erica: Super bubbly. But it's best to just sit this one out.
Geoff: But that photo pyramid sounds so fun. I just want so badly to be under your dad or on top of your grandpa.
Erica: [gags] I- I know you don't know why, but we are not gonna kiss for a while.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, the next day, the JTP played the meanest prank ever... They pretended Barry didn't exist.
Barry: Morning, JTP. Who wants to start this day by tossing this bowling ball I found off the roof?
Matt: Can we help you, stranger? You seem to have wandered into the wrong house.
Barry: Don't be stupid, stupid Matt Bradley. It's me.
Naked Rob: And you are...
Barry: What? It's me. Big Tasty. Your charismatic and angry leader who doesn't like to be questioned before his morning Hawaiian Punch.
Andy: Take it easy, okay? W- We just don't know you.
Barry: Of course you do, you ship-in-a-bottle captain, Andy. Look at the photo of us inside the... What? Where's my gorgeous face and rugged features?
Naked Rob: Not in that picture of the J.A.G... The Jenkintown Association of Guys.

Quote from Naked Rob

Johnny: [enters] J.A.G.
All: J.A.G.!
Johnny: Hello, male peers and roommates. I live here. This is my beloved home.
Barry: Johnny Atkins isn't a part of our friend group.
Matt: He's more than just a part of it. He's our emotionally in-control leader.
Johnny: This is my beloved home. I live here.
Barry: I demand you explain what is happening right now, JTP.
Naked Rob: What's happening is, we don't know who you are, and you're not demonstrating the calm and cool the J.A.G. is known for.

Quote from Barry

Johnny: Johnny Atkins is second-guessing his role in this hateful prank.
Barry: Prank? What's he talking about?
Johnny: I'm talking about how your closest friends bought me tacos to question your existential value in the world.
Barry: I don't know what that means, but... JTP?
All: [downbeat] JTP.
Matt: Bud, it was a prank, like how you sullied my under-khakis. Uh, now we're even.
Barry: I merely wore your most intimate apparel. You stole my place in this world.
Naked Rob: The important thing is, we can resume our lives and put this to rest.
Barry: Opposite. I'm coming for you guys. It may not be today or tomorrow, 'cause I got some stuff to do, but it'll be sometime convenient for me, probably Wednesday, and it will ruin your lives forever.

Quote from Geoff

Pops: Why is this meshugenah blocking the tube? I want to see if Simon makes up with Simon.
Geoff: I stand before you with a comprehensive presentation of why I should be in your family photo.
Murray: I'm not looking at any of that.
Geoff: And I knew you wouldn't, because, as a fixture in this home, I know everything about you.
Murray: Then you know I'm irritated.
Geoff: Which is why I brought you a bacon and egg sandwich with a side of another bacon and egg sandwich.
Murray: Eh. Do what you do, egg man.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Every week, I caution you with advice in difficult situations.
Barry: It's basically all you do, besides snarf down our baked goods.
Pops: No matter my advice, you do the exact opposite.
Barry: I am a little frustrating.
Pops: So, I'm gonna give you bad advice in the hopes that you'll do the right thing.
Barry: Getting bored.
Pops: Destroy your buddies with extreme malice.
Barry: So, you're kinda saying I shouldn't seek revenge because it will irreparably damage my friendships?
Pops: Wait, are you really hearing me?
Barry: Who knows?

Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: You're up next, Naked Rob.
Naked Rob: My Nudist Enthusiast magazines? These are expensive and European.
Barry: Now they're confetti.
Naked Rob: I had to learn French for these.

Quote from Pops

Erica: My grandpa can't stand this long. Hey, Pops, how ya feeling?
Pops: All my fluids are in my feet. I-I-I think I'll lie down for a minute. Oh!
Beverly: Dad, what the hell are you doing?
Pops: You got a pillow or a couch cushion?
Geoff: Oh, no! Your grandpa just made the ground his bed!
Erica: It's what he does.

Quote from Barry

[fantasy:]
Barry: This isn't where I fell asleep. Oh, no! Have I been gently kidnapped?
Pops: Your body is right where you left it. You're dreaming of what the world would be like if you didn't exist.
Barry: This isn't the JTP pad. It has no holes in the wall.
Pops: Of course there's no holes. You weren't here to punch them. [door opens]
Matt: Go for Mr. Bradley.
Barry: "Mr. Bradley"? Who are you, your stepdad that officially adopted you? Nerd.
Pops: He can't hear you. And he's now a successful Gap businessman. Without you making him late for work, he became Worldwide Head of Jean Shorts.
Matt: Buy! Sell! Business!

Quote from Barry

[fantasy:]
Andy: Oh, hey, there, friend. How's the weather up here, you ask? [chuckling] Why, it's great, because life for the very tall always is.
Barry: [laughs] Who stretched Andy?
Pops: No one. Without you stealing his lunch, Andy had a growth spurt. He's been helping people grab things off the top shelf ever since.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Hey, Geoff. Oh, you'll be happy to know that Jinzy will be crying into her nothing-flavored holiday cookies because we nailed it.
Geoff: You took the photo without me?
Erica: Yes, 'cause they are the worst... The worst. So, let's just rush away and never speak of this again.
Beverly: Wait a minute. We wanted Geoff in the picture. You're the one who said he had explosive diarrhea.
Erica: What? No. And I definitely did not say "explosive."
Adam: You did, and it read as true.
Murray: Been there.
Pops: It's our people's burden.
Barry: Shame only makes it worse.

Quote from Matt

Naked Rob: What do you want?
Barry: Just one thing... Your forgiveness.
Andy: Oh! What's in the bag, man?
Naked Rob: I think it just moved. It's definitely full of spiders.
Matt: I know what's in there. My greatest fear... Speaking in public.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Barry? Now you're in on this?
Barry: I heard we had a new way of getting information out of you, and we need to know... Where's that deli that lets you taste the meat before you buy it?
Adam: It's the one on Main Street.
[montage:]
Barry: Is breakfast truly the most important meal of the day?
Barry: Is a frog an amphibian or a reptile?
Barry: Does Matt Bradley need to go to the doctor for this?
Barry: Sorry. Forgot what I was gonna ask. Put the hood back on him.

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