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Oates & Oates

‘Oates & Oates’

Season 7, Episode 21 -  Aired April 22, 2020

Barry tries hard to impress Ren as she organizes an Earth Day telethon. Meanwhile, Beverly must out Yenta her frenemy Jane Bales when Bill Lewis admits he's ready to meet someone. 

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, we thought of everything. Except for the part where we both dressed as the same rock star.
Barry: You're supposed to be Oates, dummy!
Adam: I am Oates! You're supposed to be Hall!
Barry: This is what Hall looks like!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Adam: Dude, Hall's the tall blond! Oates is the mustachioed one!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Adam: You need to sing the Hall parts!
Barry: I just know the backing vocals!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Barry: What are we gonna do?
Adam: I guess you sing the part you know.
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes She's a m- [test pattern appears]


Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Jane couldn't set up mac with cheese.
Jane: I put cornflakes and lobster in mine, and it'll make your tongue cry.
Beverly: Ever set up a rabbi with a geisha? I have. Twice.
Jane: Once, I set up a man in a wheelchair with the woman who ran him down.
Beverly: I was once attacked by a mountain man on a hike who spoke only in grunts. After I got to safety, I set him up with a patent attorney from Boston. That's how good I am.
Bill Lewis: Maybe work together?
Beverly: Opposite! We are gonna go toe-to-toe in a no-holds-barred Yenta cage match. Winner take all!
Jane: A classic Yenta-Off. I'm in.
Bill Lewis: I just wanted someone to eat a meal with, but okay. Let's do this thing where you go to lady war.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, before Kickstarter, the best way to raise money for charity was telethons. These marathon sessions of entertainment had it all. From top-tier talent to tuxedoed hosts. So when Erica's friend Ren decided she wanted to raise money for Earth Day, she knew exactly how.
Geoff: This dog ballerina is transcendent! My mom still can't get Rugby to pee outside.
Erica: Damn. How long can she stand up on her paws like that?
Ren: Well, considering I have to fill another 36 hours of this telethon, I'm hoping 19 hours.
Geoff: And they're done. So, what's next?
Ren: I don't know, Geoff. Do you have any special talent besides asking stupid questions?
Geoff: Well, I guess I'm easily hurt by insults.
Ren: So that's a no. Thank you for your help.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Wow. Ren seems pretty stressed about the whole Earth Day thing.
Barry: She shouldn't be. 'Cause Barry's here, and the environment is clear!
Erica: That literally makes no sense. Plus, it's well-established that you are no friend of this planet.
Geoff: I saw you huck a Mountain Dew bottle into the woods.
Barry: Which then became a beaver's tool or weapon! Are you on the beaver's side or not?
Erica: Who's the beaver's enemy?
Barry: Chipmunks. Wolves. Coyotes. Foxes. Gators. Bigger beavers.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Just tell me why you're doing this.
Barry: To win Ren's heart. And all the other good parts.
Erica: Ugh! How many times do I have to say this? Just stay away from my friends!
Barry: Tell them to stay away from me! She kissed me twice!
Erica: On spring break! That is the one time a year that you are allowed to make horrible mistakes because of heatstroke and slushy rum drinks.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Bill, did I hear you right? Are you really ready to be set up?
Murray: Where did you come from? I didn't even know you were in the house.
Bill Lewis: Well, I suppose it might be time to jump back on the old horse. As long as the horse is a lady and not too broken-down.
Beverly: Ohh, this is the best news! Oh, you're finally over your wife, and your heart is open to love.
Bill Lewis: Sure, it's that. And recently, my appendix broke and I couldn't find anyone to take me to the hospital for three days.
Murray: You know you can call.
Bill Lewis: I don't like to bother.
Beverly: Your remarkable tale of survival is gonna have a happy ending because Beverly Goldberg is on the case, and my Yenta-dex is ready to find you love.
Bill Lewis: Let's do it. It's time for Bill to flex his love muscle. Oh, I'm sorry. That was unnecessarily visual.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Great news, Bill. Female loneliness is at an all-time high. Oh, [bleep] no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Jane Bales... The only Yenta in town Yenta enough to go toe-to-toe with my Yenta mom.
Jane: Hello, Beverly.
Beverly: Bill, please tell me you're not so desperate for human companionship that you'd hitch your cart to this old pack mule.

Quote from Barry

Erica: It's super simple. All you have to do is take down their name, info, and how much they'd like to pledge.
Geoff: And don't forget the "please" and "thank you." Also, I like to add a little "whoo-whoo-whoo!" if they pledge more than $50.
Barry: I got this. [answers phone] Go for Barry. Yes, this is Earth Day Headquarters. Who's this? Myron? That's a brutal name. Do your parents hate you? Also, please and thank you. [dial tone] Hello?
Ren: Yeah, Bar, I think you might be suited for a more important role in the Earth Day celebration... As a producer.
Barry: I like the sound of that! It's so vague and powerful.
Ren: So, I need you to produce some sweat towels for our ventriloquist on a unicycle. Thanks so much.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Adam, I'm tagging you back in.
Adam: Just find something Ren likes and do that.
Barry: As boring as that sounds, that might work. She needs a celebrity for her charity telethon.
Pops: So get her a celebrity. You'll be a hero, and she'll shower you with kisses.
Barry: I like this shower-kiss plan. Finally, your tired brain kicked in.
Barry: But what celebrity can I score on such short notice?
Adam: But I heard John Oates of R&B super duo Daryl Hall & John Oates went to our dentist once.
Barry: It's decided! Adam will pretend to need a checkup, break into the files, retrieve Oates' personal details, bring 'em to me, I'll cold-call him and convince him with my insurmountable charm to play for whatever charity this is for.
Adam: It's Earth Day. And why can't you go?
Barry: I was just there two years ago... Too suspicious. Move it!

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Ah, the Phillies suck! Where's Bill? I need him to boo our favorite team together.
Beverly: Please. Bill's probably waking up in a bathtub full of ice because Jane Bales' match has taken his spleen, liver, and nipple.
Murray: No one steals a nipple.
Beverly: You don't know! Those sensitive little buttons are in big demand on the black market. They put 'em in soups.
Murray: I guess I asked.

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