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‘Oates & Oates’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Oates & Oates

721. Oates & Oates

Aired April 22, 2020

Barry tries hard to impress Ren as she organizes an Earth Day telethon. Meanwhile, Beverly must out Yenta her frenemy Jane Bales when Bill Lewis admits he's ready to meet someone. 

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Jane couldn't set up mac with cheese.
Jane: I put cornflakes and lobster in mine, and it'll make your tongue cry.
Beverly: Ever set up a rabbi with a geisha? I have. Twice.
Jane: Once, I set up a man in a wheelchair with the woman who ran him down.
Beverly: I was once attacked by a mountain man on a hike who spoke only in grunts. After I got to safety, I set him up with a patent attorney from Boston. That's how good I am.
Bill Lewis: Maybe work together?
Beverly: Opposite! We are gonna go toe-to-toe in a no-holds-barred Yenta cage match. Winner take all!
Jane: A classic Yenta-Off. I'm in.
Bill Lewis: I just wanted someone to eat a meal with, but okay. Let's do this thing where you go to lady war.

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Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, we thought of everything. Except for the part where we both dressed as the same rock star.
Barry: You're supposed to be Oates, dummy!
Adam: I am Oates! You're supposed to be Hall!
Barry: This is what Hall looks like!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Adam: Dude, Hall's the tall blond! Oates is the mustachioed one!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Adam: You need to sing the Hall parts!
Barry: I just know the backing vocals!
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes
Barry: What are we gonna do?
Adam: I guess you sing the part you know.
Both: [sing] Oh-oh, here she comes She's a m- [test pattern appears]

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, before Kickstarter, the best way to raise money for charity was telethons. These marathon sessions of entertainment had it all. From top-tier talent to tuxedoed hosts. So when Erica's friend Ren decided she wanted to raise money for Earth Day, she knew exactly how.
Geoff: This dog ballerina is transcendent! My mom still can't get Rugby to pee outside.
Erica: Damn. How long can she stand up on her paws like that?
Ren: Well, considering I have to fill another 36 hours of this telethon, I'm hoping 19 hours.
Geoff: And they're done. So, what's next?
Ren: I don't know, Geoff. Do you have any special talent besides asking stupid questions?
Geoff: Well, I guess I'm easily hurt by insults.
Ren: So that's a no. Thank you for your help.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Wow. Ren seems pretty stressed about the whole Earth Day thing.
Barry: She shouldn't be. 'Cause Barry's here, and the environment is clear!
Erica: That literally makes no sense. Plus, it's well-established that you are no friend of this planet.
Geoff: I saw you huck a Mountain Dew bottle into the woods.
Barry: Which then became a beaver's tool or weapon! Are you on the beaver's side or not?
Erica: Who's the beaver's enemy?
Barry: Chipmunks. Wolves. Coyotes. Foxes. Gators. Bigger beavers.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Just tell me why you're doing this.
Barry: To win Ren's heart. And all the other good parts.
Erica: Ugh! How many times do I have to say this? Just stay away from my friends!
Barry: Tell them to stay away from me! She kissed me twice!
Erica: On spring break! That is the one time a year that you are allowed to make horrible mistakes because of heatstroke and slushy rum drinks.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Bill, did I hear you right? Are you really ready to be set up?
Murray: Where did you come from? I didn't even know you were in the house.
Bill Lewis: Well, I suppose it might be time to jump back on the old horse. As long as the horse is a lady and not too broken-down.
Beverly: Ohh, this is the best news! Oh, you're finally over your wife, and your heart is open to love.
Bill Lewis: Sure, it's that. And recently, my appendix broke and I couldn't find anyone to take me to the hospital for three days.
Murray: You know you can call.
Bill Lewis: I don't like to bother.
Beverly: Your remarkable tale of survival is gonna have a happy ending because Beverly Goldberg is on the case, and my Yenta-dex is ready to find you love.
Bill Lewis: Let's do it. It's time for Bill to flex his love muscle. Oh, I'm sorry. That was unnecessarily visual.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Great news, Bill. Female loneliness is at an all-time high. Oh, [bleep] no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Jane Bales... The only Yenta in town Yenta enough to go toe-to-toe with my Yenta mom.
Jane: Hello, Beverly.
Beverly: Bill, please tell me you're not so desperate for human companionship that you'd hitch your cart to this old pack mule.

Quote from Barry

Erica: It's super simple. All you have to do is take down their name, info, and how much they'd like to pledge.
Geoff: And don't forget the "please" and "thank you." Also, I like to add a little "whoo-whoo-whoo!" if they pledge more than $50.
Barry: I got this. [answers phone] Go for Barry. Yes, this is Earth Day Headquarters. Who's this? Myron? That's a brutal name. Do your parents hate you? Also, please and thank you. [dial tone] Hello?
Ren: Yeah, Bar, I think you might be suited for a more important role in the Earth Day celebration... As a producer.
Barry: I like the sound of that! It's so vague and powerful.
Ren: So, I need you to produce some sweat towels for our ventriloquist on a unicycle. Thanks so much.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Adam, I'm tagging you back in.
Adam: Just find something Ren likes and do that.
Barry: As boring as that sounds, that might work. She needs a celebrity for her charity telethon.
Pops: So get her a celebrity. You'll be a hero, and she'll shower you with kisses.
Barry: I like this shower-kiss plan. Finally, your tired brain kicked in.
Barry: But what celebrity can I score on such short notice?
Adam: But I heard John Oates of R&B super duo Daryl Hall & John Oates went to our dentist once.
Barry: It's decided! Adam will pretend to need a checkup, break into the files, retrieve Oates' personal details, bring 'em to me, I'll cold-call him and convince him with my insurmountable charm to play for whatever charity this is for.
Adam: It's Earth Day. And why can't you go?
Barry: I was just there two years ago... Too suspicious. Move it!

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Ah, the Phillies suck! Where's Bill? I need him to boo our favorite team together.
Beverly: Please. Bill's probably waking up in a bathtub full of ice because Jane Bales' match has taken his spleen, liver, and nipple.
Murray: No one steals a nipple.
Beverly: You don't know! Those sensitive little buttons are in big demand on the black market. They put 'em in soups.
Murray: I guess I asked.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Hey, hey, hey! Beverly Goldberg! There's my walking ray of sunshine!
Beverly: I suppose I do brighten any room I'm in.
Bill Lewis: And my Mur-man. Looks like this big bowl of ice cream could use a cherry on top. Whoop! Mwah!
Murray: Oh! Get off! What's that smell?
Bill Lewis: Dial soap. It's the fragrance of bath time.
Beverly: And you're wearing a sweater.
Bill Lewis: It's something called Merino wool. It's not the best, but it's not the worst.
Beverly: So, y-you're happy?
Bill Lewis: Dolores is fun. She's interesting. She does stuff. We went on a walk!

Quote from Beverly

Dolores: Beverly, I didn't know when to bring this up, but I am a huge fan of your cookbook.
Beverly: You are?
Dolores: Would you mind signing mine for me?
Beverly: Here? Now? I have my own smudge-proof pen!
Dolores: And please don't tell me that you bedazzled that gorgeous sweater yourself.
Beverly: I did bedazzle this beauty myself. How are you so amazing and friends with Jane Bales?
Dolores: Jane and I aren't really friends. Between you and me, she's a strong cup of coffee.
Beverly: She is a piece of [bleep].

Quote from Bill Lewis

Jane: Beverly Goldberg! How could you?
Beverly: You can't prove it, and I'll deny it to my grave! Also, what is this about?
Jane: Dolores broke up with Bill.
Bill Lewis: She said she thought we weren't a good fit. But she's the ham to my pocket filled with ham.
Jane: Which means you clearly did something to sabotage them.
Beverly: I mean, I went to dinner with the intention of doing something, but then I liked her.
Jane: You just couldn't handle that I found Bill love and not you.
Bill Lewis: I still remember the last place we kissed. Mouths. Why, Beverly? Why do you hate love?

Quote from Barry

Barry: I can't believe we both dressed up like Daryl Hall.
Adam: Oates! We're both Oates! How are you still not getting that?
Barry: I guess I just screw up everything. Stupid mustache. Oww! Ohh!
Adam: Just take it off like this. On, off. On, off. Oates, Hall. Oates, Hall.
Barry: Mine doesn't do that.
Adam: What kind of adhesive did you use?
Barry: The stuff Dad seals the tub with.
Adam: That's not meant for the human face!
Barry: This bagel duster's gonna be on forever!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Damn it! I was so close to Daryl Hall & John Oates.
John: [sings] Oh-oh, he she comes
Barry: What the hell, man? Are you mocking me?
John: Oh, no, I-I was just messing around. I-I'm sorry.
Barry: You should be.
John: But me and my buddy, we got this band, and I thought maybe next year...
Barry: Hard no.
John: But don't you guys got a bunch of hours to fill?
Barry: Hard no! Sweet 'stache, though.
John: Oh, well, thanks. It's, uh, kinda my thing. [winks]

Quote from Barry

Barry: We connected. Then our lips connected! We're obviously meant to be.
Geoff: Have you guys even spoken since those kisses?
Barry: Not with words, but with fleeting looks and playful smiles.
Erica: So no.

Quote from Geoff

Ren: Amazing news! I got Ed Begley Jr.
Geoff: Dr. Victor Ehrlich from the NBC medical drama St. Elsewhere?
Ren: I guess. He's also a well-known environmentalist and oddball. He's bringing his recumbent bike!
Barry: Big deal. I can do a wheelie on a ten-speed.

Quote from Barry

Ren: Okay, I've locked down another hour, and I've only got 30 more to go.
Erica: Seems like a lot.
Ren: So much. I'm in real trouble. But Ed Begley Jr.!
Barry: Am I crazy, or do good things happen when we're together? Let's celebrate with a soulful, lingering hug.
Erica: Or a platonic group one.
Geoff: Yes! My family did one every morning before school to kick-start my day.
Barry: Ah!
Ren: What? I got to go.
Barry: No, this warm body wasn't meant for you! Get off me!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was April 22nd, 1980-something, and my dad and Bill were enjoying the two things they loved most... Sports and chicken.
Murray: Another chicken wing, Bill?
Bill Lewis: Mur, I am stuffed to the gills. But I can't say no. Eating from a helmet is just too fun.
Murray: Yeah, it is. It's almost like you're in the game.

Quote from Adam

Adam: What game? All you two do is sit around and get ranch dressing inside the remote.
Bill Lewis: Spicy drumstick?
Adam: Have you guys ever had a real conversation? You're supposed to be best friends.
Murray: Best friends who don't yakety-yak and try and get below the surface.
Bill Lewis: Spicy drumstick?
Adam: Fine.

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