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‘Schmoopie's Big Adventure’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: Schmoopie's Big Adventure

718. Schmoopie's Big Adventure

Aired March 25, 2020

Beverly is upset when Adam seems to have lost his interest in toys. Meanwhile, Erica starts working at Murray's furniture store to pay her parking fines.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I can't ride the bus anymore. Do you know what kinda people are on there?
Geoff: A delightful cross section of our great city?
Barry: It's a rolling caravan of monsters!
Ren: Oh, that's not entirely fair, man.
Barry: What's not fair is having someone cough soup on you.
Erica: So you're making friends. Good for you.
Barry: Don't! Okay? You got our car booted, and now I have to sit next to a lady with an animal in her lap I don't even recognize. It has the qualities of a squirrel but the face of baby.
Geoff: That can't be real.
Barry: You want to know what's real? A man with a unibrow didn't break eye contact with me for over an hour. "Why are you smiling, sir? And where are you going with all that fish?"

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Quote from Barry

Barry: Since Dad took away the car, I have to ride the bus! An old man showed me the bruise on his back! It was like looking at the inside of a pomegranate.
Geoff: That can't be right.
Erica: Ew!
Barry: What's not right is how much cooking is done on there. I saw a guy heating up a pot of eels.
Ren: Eels?
Barry: Eels! And there's so much fighting! An old woman clocked the bus driver with a fraternity paddle! Who gave that to her?
Erica: Barry, maybe you just need to walk.
Barry: Are you a crazy person? My apartment's like a mile from here.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Are these all parking tickets?
Erica: Yeah, they are. That's why they're in the parking ticket drawer.
Geoff: You've gotten a ticket in every illegal zone there is... Red, yellow, blue. What's green?
Erica: That's for parking on grass. But what was I supposed to do? There was no red curb.
Geoff: You can't park in either! My betrothed is a scofflaw!
Erica: Calm down, Jane Austen. Campus parking tickets don't count.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, they did.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Oh, no! Your car has a boot on it!
Erica: I can see that, Geoff! $300 to get a boot off? That can't be right.
Geoff: It is. Your flagrant disregard for vehicular statutes has rightly caught up to you.
Erica: Whose side are you on?
Geoff: Is it wrong to say justice?

Quote from Geoff

Barry: What the hell am I looking at? Why is there a metal thingy on our car?
Erica: It's a bummer for you, dude. You got a bunch of parking tickets and have to pay a steep fine to get the boot off. It's quite a lesson. But keep me posted.
Barry: Damn it! The details are foggy, but it tracks with my careless nature.
Geoff: Do not pawn this off on Barry. Erica fought the campus law, and the campus law won.
Barry: Almost like the song! [rattling] Ugh! The boot people know what they're doing.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Daddy, I need a new car.
Murray: I don't know you. I'll swear to it in a court of law.
Erica: Fine. But then I need $500 to fix the old one.
Murray: $500? What do you think, I'm Wink Martindale?
Erica: Is Wink Martindale famously rich?
Murray: That smiling bastard has crazy Tic-Tac-Dough money.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Look at this! Someone loves his new bike, and he loves the person that gave it to him even more.
Pops: That's your takeaway from the boy rubbing the thing up with a shammy?
Adam: Oh, this is no shammy. This is a microfiber cleaning cloth. It restores a bike's natural luster without causing what we in the paint game call "impact crackle."
Beverly: What are you talking about?
Pops: I think he's cleaning it.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Well, now that it's all sparkly, why don't take it back out, jump some puddles?
Adam: Puddles? No, no, no, no, no. It was a huge mistake to ride it. Never again.
Beverly: Never again? But I saw your face, you've never looked happier.
Adam: But I wasn't considering the harmful elements. We're talking fire, water, earth. Not to mention the deadliest of all... Air.
Pops: You're worried about air?
Adam: Dust, smoke, dirt, soot, unknown particulates, pollen... That one's had a target on my back for a while.
Beverly: But it's fun. [bicycle bell rings]
Adam: [gasps] Careful! The glands in your fingers secrete harmful oils!
Beverly: Adam, it's a bike. I think you're being a tad overprotective. The hell's that?
Pops: It looks like a see-through box.
Adam: Good eye. It's a protective Lucite case. Ideally, I'd have it in what the CDC calls a "clean room." But this'll have to do until those paper pushers call me back.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: When did he start boxing up his toys like it's the world's saddest museum?
Pops: I guess he likes looking at 'em now more than playing with them.
Beverly: But he's my schmoo. He loves to play.
Pops: Bevy, no one stays a kid forever.
Beverly: That's it! I'll make him stay a kid forever!
Pops: I'm not gonna stop you. I've learned to conserve my energy.
Beverly: I'm not just gonna give him Pee-wee's bike. I'm gonna give him the whole damn adventure!
Pops: The rantings of a lunatic. But have a ball. Again, I'm tired.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Let's review the facts. The thief had to have access to my room and know all my movements. And they had the key to the master lock that only me and my mom possess.
Virginia: Just going out on a limb here, but Beverly definitely took your bike.
Essy: That makes sense.
Linda: Yeah, I thought that before I even knew what this was about.
Adam: Mama! Did you take my bike?
Beverly: It was Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: No, it wasn't!
Beverly: I saw it. He slipped in through the chimney like a turtlenecked Santa.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Enough. She did it, Adam! For some reason, she wanted to give you Pee-pee's big excursion.

Quote from Barry

Barry: We made more money than Dad ever has in one day.
Erica: I mean, who doesn't like money?
Barry: Ugly, stupid people who can't buy stuff. But if you do this, you'll be dripping in...
Erica: Diamonds?
Barry: Better! Butter. When you're eating lobster every night.
Erica: Gross. I don't want buttery lobster meat every night.
Barry: Then perhaps you'll like the finest timepieces known to man. Swatch.
Erica: I already have two of those.
Barry: Ah, how would you like 200?
Erica: I wouldn't. That's too many. You're absolutely terrible at selling wealth.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the 80's, my mom was obsessed with my birthday. She always went over the top. And over that top. So as I approached adulthood, I was hoping for the biggest present of them all.
Beverly: Get excited, Schmoopaloo. Your gift is right behind that garage door.
Adam: Ooh! I need to know... Does it have wheels?
Beverly: Maybe.
Adam: And can it take me all over town?
Beverly: Maybe.
Adam: And when I pull up to school, will the ladies lower their sunglasses and say, with surprise, "Adam Goldberg?"
Beverly: Definitely! [garage door opens] Ta-da!
Adam: A freakin' bike? Where's my GMC Sierra Grande, as featured in The Fall Guy?
Beverly: This is way better than a car.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Fat chance. But then I laid eyes on my mom's most over-the-top gift ever... An exact replica of the bike from Pee-wee's Big Adventure!
Adam: You didn't.
Beverly: I did. I'm officially the greatest mama in the world!

Quote from Adam

Virginia: Neat bike, Adam!
Adam: Thanks, Mrs. K! Neat lawn! [bicycle bell rings]
Dave Kim: Whoa! Is that Pee-wee's bike?
Adam: Sure is, Dave Kim! Are you rolling your harp home?
Dave Kim: I am! Your thing is way better!
Johnny: Sweet ride, Goldnerd. Can I have it?
Adam: Not a chance!
Johnny: Respect. You know what? Sometimes you're pretty cool.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh! How was she?
Adam: I know I say this a lot, but honestly, this is the first time I mean it... I love you.
Beverly: I'll take it. Now scoot your booty up and take your mama for a spin!

Quote from Murray

Erica: Then I guess if we had to cut corners and our safety wasn't important to you...
Murray: It's not...
Erica: Then we could fix it for $300.
Murray: Damn it, fine! What's wrong with it, anyway?
Erica: Oh, pfft, you know, just the usual "I got too many parking tickets and I got a boot put on, it's no big deal."
Murray: A boot?
Erica: You heard that? You typically don't listen to a word I say.
Murray: When it comes to money, I hear everything. I am not saving you from that boot. You're gonna work it off here in the store.
Erica: Here? Blech! Nobody really works here, right?
Murray: You do. Starting now!

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] So Erica had no choice but to take the job. And turns out, she was kind of a natural. The customers liked her and liked buying from her even more. She sold recliners, sofa beds, really anywhere you could put your butt. Yep, she racked up the sales. She even sold stuff no one knew the name of.
Vic: What in the world is a davenport?
Erica: Oh, that's just a fancy name for a couch. But now we can charge double.
Murray: My little peanut is a selling machine. What's your secret?
Erica: Oh, I'm using a tried and true sales technique... Being helpful.
Murray: Hoo hoo! Who would've thunk?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, this is for you. You've earned it.
Erica: Nine dollars?
Murray: Three dollars an hour for three hours. Nine dollars.
Erica: But it'll take me forever to get that boot off.
Murray: Also take these.
Erica: Keys? [sighs] Please say they're to a safe with more money in it.
Murray: No, they're for the store. You did good work today. I'm proud of you.
Vic: Huh. Keys. I've never gotten keys. When your family's on vacation, we just stay closed. Way to go, Erica!

Quote from Adam

Beverly: But you have to ride it. And plus, it clogs up the whole room.
Adam: It doesn't leave a lot of space for dancing, but at least I know she's safe.
Beverly: Safe from what? I bought it for you to play with, like all your other toys.
Adam: But I am treating it like all my other toys. Behold!
Pops: Look at that. All his Starboys and GI Jims are in little prisons.
Adam: You know it! I'm off. No one touch the thermostat. The best protection against temperature is vigilance.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Somebody stole my bike!
Beverly: Oh, no! Who would commit such a heinous act?
Pops: Best guess, a crazy person.
Adam: We can't just sit here! We gotta get it back!
Beverly: Yes, we do. Well, sounds like we're in for an adventure. A big adventure. A Pee-wee's big adventure.
Adam: That's a weird way to put it, but sure! I'll go draw up a list of suspects.

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