Barry: I can't ride the bus anymore. Do you know what kinda people are on there?
Geoff: A delightful cross section of our great city?
Barry: It's a rolling caravan of monsters!
Ren: Oh, that's not entirely fair, man.
Barry: What's not fair is having someone cough soup on you.
Erica: So you're making friends. Good for you.
Barry: Don't! Okay? You got our car booted, and now I have to sit next to a lady with an animal in her lap I don't even recognize. It has the qualities of a squirrel but the face of baby.
Geoff: That can't be real.
Barry: You want to know what's real? A man with a unibrow didn't break eye contact with me for over an hour. "Why are you smiling, sir? And where are you going with all that fish?"

Barry: Since Dad took away the car, I have to ride the bus! An old man showed me the bruise on his back! It was like looking at the inside of a pomegranate.
Geoff: That can't be right.
Erica: Ew!
Barry: What's not right is how much cooking is done on there. I saw a guy heating up a pot of eels.
Ren: Eels?
Barry: Eels! And there's so much fighting! An old woman clocked the bus driver with a fraternity paddle! Who gave that to her?
Erica: Barry, maybe you just need to walk.
Barry: Are you a crazy person? My apartment's like a mile from here.

Geoff: Are these all parking tickets?
Erica: Yeah, they are. That's why they're in the parking ticket drawer.
Geoff: You've gotten a ticket in every illegal zone there is... Red, yellow, blue. What's green?
Erica: That's for parking on grass. But what was I supposed to do? There was no red curb.
Geoff: You can't park in either! My betrothed is a scofflaw!
Erica: Calm down, Jane Austen. Campus parking tickets don't count.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, they did.

Geoff: Oh, no! Your car has a boot on it!
Erica: I can see that, Geoff! $300 to get a boot off? That can't be right.
Geoff: It is. Your flagrant disregard for vehicular statutes has rightly caught up to you.
Erica: Whose side are you on?
Geoff: Is it wrong to say justice?

Barry: What the hell am I looking at? Why is there a metal thingy on our car?
Erica: It's a bummer for you, dude. You got a bunch of parking tickets and have to pay a steep fine to get the boot off. It's quite a lesson. But keep me posted.
Barry: Damn it! The details are foggy, but it tracks with my careless nature.
Geoff: Do not pawn this off on Barry. Erica fought the campus law, and the campus law won.
Barry: Almost like the song! [rattling] Ugh! The boot people know what they're doing.

Erica: Daddy, I need a new car.
Murray: I don't know you. I'll swear to it in a court of law.
Erica: Fine. But then I need $500 to fix the old one.
Murray: $500? What do you think, I'm Wink Martindale?
Erica: Is Wink Martindale famously rich?
Murray: That smiling bastard has crazy Tic-Tac-Dough money.

Beverly: Look at this! Someone loves his new bike, and he loves the person that gave it to him even more.
Pops: That's your takeaway from the boy rubbing the thing up with a shammy?
Adam: Oh, this is no shammy. This is a microfiber cleaning cloth. It restores a bike's natural luster without causing what we in the paint game call "impact crackle."
Beverly: What are you talking about?
Pops: I think he's cleaning it.

Beverly: Well, now that it's all sparkly, why don't take it back out, jump some puddles?
Adam: Puddles? No, no, no, no, no. It was a huge mistake to ride it. Never again.
Beverly: Never again? But I saw your face, you've never looked happier.
Adam: But I wasn't considering the harmful elements. We're talking fire, water, earth. Not to mention the deadliest of all... Air.
Pops: You're worried about air?
Adam: Dust, smoke, dirt, soot, unknown particulates, pollen... That one's had a target on my back for a while.
Beverly: But it's fun. [bicycle bell rings]
Adam: [gasps] Careful! The glands in your fingers secrete harmful oils!
Beverly: Adam, it's a bike. I think you're being a tad overprotective. The hell's that?
Pops: It looks like a see-through box.
Adam: Good eye. It's a protective Lucite case. Ideally, I'd have it in what the CDC calls a "clean room." But this'll have to do until those paper pushers call me back.

Adam: Let's review the facts. The thief had to have access to my room and know all my movements. And they had the key to the master lock that only me and my mom possess.
Virginia: Just going out on a limb here, but Beverly definitely took your bike.
Essy: That makes sense.
Linda: Yeah, I thought that before I even knew what this was about.
Adam: Mama! Did you take my bike?
Beverly: It was Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: No, it wasn't!
Beverly: I saw it. He slipped in through the chimney like a turtlenecked Santa.

Pops: Enough. She did it, Adam! For some reason, she wanted to give you Pee-pee's big excursion.