Adam: You broke your husband.
Beverly: And Mama's comin' for you next!
Adam: Please! I need this!
Beverly: No. Marjorie Shenkman's lawn guy's nephew went out for off-campus lunch one time, flipped his Saab, and skimmed the top of his head off. Now when he goes to cocktail parties, people try to put their drinks on his head, like he's an end table.
Adam: There is no flat-skulled man with a whiskey sour on his dome!
Beverly: He had to get a job as Frankenstein at that theme restaurant where they salute old horror movies. More drinks on the noggin.
Adam: Just let me drive.
Beverly: He tried to cover it with a toupee, but it didn't sit right. It looked like an area rug sitting on top of a Rubik's Cube.
Adam: You're exhausting!
Beverly: W... I'm just trying to keep my perfectly round-headed schmoopie safe!

Beverly: You can't say stuff like that to me.
Adam: But I mean it. Why would I want to be anywhere near your craziness?
Beverly: Because you have to. I am your mom. I love you more than myself.
Adam: Come on! Enough!
Beverly: [sighs] Someday, when you're a parent, you're gonna see how hard it is to worry about your kids every moment of every day.
Adam: You don't worry about Barry and Erica like this anymore.
Beverly: Of course I do. It never stops. I feel like there's a little piece of my heart floating around out there, and I may never get it back. Adam, you need to understand that I will never change when it comes to protecting my kids.
Adam: And you need to know you're not protecting me. You're just keeping me from experiencing life.
Beverly: [sighs] I suppose I could... Loosen the reins a little bit.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, one of the most popular movie genres was body swapping. Yep, nothing was more hilarious than seeing someone wake up in another person's shoes, which made picking what to watch impossible.
Andy: Ooh! Grab 18 Again. It's George Burns, but he's 18 again. He's got the wisdom of a lifetime in the body of a whippersnapper.
Naked Rob: How about Freaky Friday? A mom and her teenage daughter swap bodies. As if the mother-daughter relationship isn't fraught enough already.
Matt: All of Me. Steve Martin gets Lily Tomlin's soul crammed in his head, and, boy, does she have opinions.

Erica: Hey, Geoff, if you could switch bodies, who would it be with?
Geoff: I wouldn't change spots with anyone.
Erica: The perfect answer.
Barry: Or the worst! It's either Chuck Norris or Batman. Or Noah from the Ark. Or Noah from high school, whose family coincidentally also had a boat.
Erica: Are you sure you haven't already swapped bodies with someone who has significant brain damage?
Barry: Silence! We're getting Dream a Little Dream. It has the two Coreys in it. Those two will never know failure.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was February 26th, 1980-something, and I was getting ready to eat what I ate every day... Hot crap.
Adam: I thought it was square pizza day.
Doris: And I thought it was dork-free lunch line day. It didn't work out for any of us.
Adam: I wasn't looking for a give and take, Doris.

Brea: Hell no. There's no way in the world I'd let you drive to lunch.
Adam: But I already drive! What could possibly go wrong?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But I knew. We all did. The Goldbergs sucked behind the wheel.
Adam: Those are just five to seven incredibly concrete examples.
Beverly: I already made concessions on the crash helmet and fire-retardant suit.
Adam: All the other parents are letting their kids go off campus.
Beverly: All other parents are idiots. I love you harder and better than those people love their idiot children.
Adam: Well, I have two parents, and I know for a fact that one of them doesn't care at all.

Adam: Dad, sign this.
Murray: Ask your mother.
Adam: I'm asking you.
Murray: I don't go against your mother. I'm more of a "wait and see and then wait some more" kinda guy. So scoot.

Matt Schernecke: Where are we headed for lunch, my good man? Shakey's? That other Shakey's that's closer but scarier?
Brea: I'm just excited to get off campus. The freedom's intoxicating.
Adam: Know what's better than freedom? The tried and true flavors of our own cafeteria.
Emmy: Ha. You clearly didn't get your mom's signature.
Adam: I got my mom's J. Hancock. Not that I need it. I'm my own man. This shirt/cords combo was all me.
Brea: Great. I mean, not the pants, but you can drive us to the mall food court.

Brea: I can't believe we made it.
Adam: Me, neither.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, we'd made it on my mom's weekly mall-walking day. Nothing got by Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: I smell my baby's delicious head hair. Adam!
Adam: Oh, balls!
Beverly: Yeah, big ones, you little [bleep].

Beverly: Who would do such heinous acts?
Murray: [reading paper] Unbelievable.
Beverly: Going against our wishes and forging our distinguished signatures.
Adam: Distinguished? Dad just holds the pen and makes the pizza-delivery guy move the credit card slip.
Beverly: Oh, more sass from Mr. Sassafras over here.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Adam: I said I was sorry. Can't we just move on?
Beverly: Murray, did you hear that? The boy wants to move on.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Thank you for always backing me up.
Adam: He's not backing you up. He's just peppering in the word "unbelievable."
Beverly: Your father and I are a united front. Tell him, Murray.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Damn it, Murray!