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‘Body Swap’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Body Swap

716. Body Swap

Aired February 26, 2020

Adam needs Beverly's permission to go off campus at lunchtime with his friends. Meanwhile, Barry lets Geoff use his college ID.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: You broke your husband.
Beverly: And Mama's comin' for you next!
Adam: Please! I need this!
Beverly: No. Marjorie Shenkman's lawn guy's nephew went out for off-campus lunch one time, flipped his Saab, and skimmed the top of his head off. Now when he goes to cocktail parties, people try to put their drinks on his head, like he's an end table.
Adam: There is no flat-skulled man with a whiskey sour on his dome!
Beverly: He had to get a job as Frankenstein at that theme restaurant where they salute old horror movies. More drinks on the noggin.
Adam: Just let me drive.
Beverly: He tried to cover it with a toupee, but it didn't sit right. It looked like an area rug sitting on top of a Rubik's Cube.
Adam: You're exhausting!
Beverly: W... I'm just trying to keep my perfectly round-headed schmoopie safe!

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You can't say stuff like that to me.
Adam: But I mean it. Why would I want to be anywhere near your craziness?
Beverly: Because you have to. I am your mom. I love you more than myself.
Adam: Come on! Enough!
Beverly: [sighs] Someday, when you're a parent, you're gonna see how hard it is to worry about your kids every moment of every day.
Adam: You don't worry about Barry and Erica like this anymore.
Beverly: Of course I do. It never stops. I feel like there's a little piece of my heart floating around out there, and I may never get it back. Adam, you need to understand that I will never change when it comes to protecting my kids.
Adam: And you need to know you're not protecting me. You're just keeping me from experiencing life.
Beverly: [sighs] I suppose I could... Loosen the reins a little bit.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom was desperate to keep me at a safe distance, so she spread the word about the latest hot spot for off-campus lunch.
Adam: Bev's Bites? This is just my mom making food at my house.
Johnny: I don't do zoning for the city. Just going for the free grub.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was a brilliant chess move. If I wanted to go to a food court, my mom would bring a food court to me. Yep. Bev's Bites was open for business.
Beverly: What'll it be, sir? I've got a wok, and I'll put things in there that the fast food chains are afraid to.

Quote from Matt

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, one of the most popular movie genres was body swapping. Yep, nothing was more hilarious than seeing someone wake up in another person's shoes, which made picking what to watch impossible.
Andy: Ooh! Grab 18 Again. It's George Burns, but he's 18 again. He's got the wisdom of a lifetime in the body of a whippersnapper.
Naked Rob: How about Freaky Friday? A mom and her teenage daughter swap bodies. As if the mother-daughter relationship isn't fraught enough already.
Matt: All of Me. Steve Martin gets Lily Tomlin's soul crammed in his head, and, boy, does she have opinions.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Hey, Geoff, if you could switch bodies, who would it be with?
Geoff: I wouldn't change spots with anyone.
Erica: The perfect answer.
Barry: Or the worst! It's either Chuck Norris or Batman. Or Noah from the Ark. Or Noah from high school, whose family coincidentally also had a boat.
Erica: Are you sure you haven't already swapped bodies with someone who has significant brain damage?
Barry: Silence! We're getting Dream a Little Dream. It has the two Coreys in it. Those two will never know failure.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was February 26th, 1980-something, and I was getting ready to eat what I ate every day... Hot crap.
Adam: I thought it was square pizza day.
Doris: And I thought it was dork-free lunch line day. It didn't work out for any of us.
Adam: I wasn't looking for a give and take, Doris.

Quote from Beverly

Brea: Hell no. There's no way in the world I'd let you drive to lunch.
Adam: But I already drive! What could possibly go wrong?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But I knew. We all did. The Goldbergs sucked behind the wheel.
Adam: Those are just five to seven incredibly concrete examples.
Beverly: I already made concessions on the crash helmet and fire-retardant suit.
Adam: All the other parents are letting their kids go off campus.
Beverly: All other parents are idiots. I love you harder and better than those people love their idiot children.
Adam: Well, I have two parents, and I know for a fact that one of them doesn't care at all.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Dad, sign this.
Murray: Ask your mother.
Adam: I'm asking you.
Murray: I don't go against your mother. I'm more of a "wait and see and then wait some more" kinda guy. So scoot.

Quote from Adam

Matt Schernecke: Where are we headed for lunch, my good man? Shakey's? That other Shakey's that's closer but scarier?
Brea: I'm just excited to get off campus. The freedom's intoxicating.
Adam: Know what's better than freedom? The tried and true flavors of our own cafeteria.
Emmy: Ha. You clearly didn't get your mom's signature.
Adam: I got my mom's J. Hancock. Not that I need it. I'm my own man. This shirt/cords combo was all me.
Brea: Great. I mean, not the pants, but you can drive us to the mall food court.

Quote from Beverly

Brea: I can't believe we made it.
Adam: Me, neither.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, we'd made it on my mom's weekly mall-walking day. Nothing got by Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: I smell my baby's delicious head hair. Adam!
Adam: Oh, balls!
Beverly: Yeah, big ones, you little [bleep].

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Who would do such heinous acts?
Murray: [reading paper] Unbelievable.
Beverly: Going against our wishes and forging our distinguished signatures.
Adam: Distinguished? Dad just holds the pen and makes the pizza-delivery guy move the credit card slip.
Beverly: Oh, more sass from Mr. Sassafras over here.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Adam: I said I was sorry. Can't we just move on?
Beverly: Murray, did you hear that? The boy wants to move on.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Thank you for always backing me up.
Adam: He's not backing you up. He's just peppering in the word "unbelievable."
Beverly: Your father and I are a united front. Tell him, Murray.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Damn it, Murray!

Quote from Barry

Naked Rob: I got one. You're a great political cartoonist.
Barry: You know it, son. I am a great... Wait, what?
Andy: Ha! You gave Ronald Reagan Dumbo ears.
Barry: Who?
Naked Rob: It's hilarious in a smart way that doesn't make you laugh.
Matt: Take that, beltway.
Barry: I didn't do that! I hate politics. The only time I voted was to keep the McRib going.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had made a mad dash for the food court, but I only made it as far as the principal's office.
Principal Ball: Need I tell you how serious this offense is?
Beverly: He knows. Now, what I'd like to know is exactly how the parental signature verification system broke down.
Principal Ball: He put the slip in my box, and I put it in this pile.
Beverly: What? I assumed you had a team of forgery experts who reviewed each signature and compared them against a master list for authenticity.
Principal Ball: I just put it in the pile.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Dude, the most bananas thing just happened! I was minding my business and making mouth sounds into a desk fan, when I switched bodies with Erica.
Geoff: What's going on?
Erica: It's me. Big Tasty. But I'm stuck in this dumb lady body, and I can't even nunchuck. See? I usually have the skills of a bajillion Bruce Lees.
Geoff: This is weird, sweetie.
Erica: Sweetie? Don't be gross, you turd.
Barry: Hey! I'm Erica. I like dumb leather boots or being a wiseass. I'm sad and pathetic... [Erica hits Barry with the nunchuks] Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, no.
Erica: Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good with these things.
Barry: Ow. [groans]

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Why the sad face? Are they out of All Dogs Go to Heaven?
Geoff: No, they keep that on permanent hold for me. I was just thinking that since I'm not currently doing anything with my life, no one would want to switch bodies with me.
Erica: But you're on a great track now. You're applying to college.
Geoff: Yeah, but I can't do that until summer. I want my life to start right now. And besides, living on campus illegally hasn't exactly been easy.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though Geoff loved shacking up with Erica, not being an actual student had a few setbacks, like not having a dorm key.
Geoff: Oh, no! Poison ivy! Oh, no! The door!

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And no school I.D. meant no access to the cafeteria.
Geoff: What'd you get me?
Erica: You know when you're so hungry that everything tastes good? Are you that hungry?
Geoff: Was this once a crepe?
Erica: And... Bum-bum-bum... Iceberg lettuce!
Geoff: It's almost a Cobb salad.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Idea! Geoff can switch bodies with the greatest living person of all time... Me.
Erica: I speak for everyone when I say we don't want your body, Barry.
Barry: Oh, Geoff should want my body. He should want it bad.
Geoff: Bar, where are you going with this?
Barry: It's where you are going... To the cafeteria with my I.D.
Geoff: Wow. That would be amazing. But don't you need it for food?
Barry: Nah. I just eat everything in the fridge that's clearly marked "Property of Matt Bradley."
Matt: What?

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Wait, so with Barry's I.D., I could escape the shadows and eat food from a plate and not a pocket?
Erica: Oh, yeah, I meant to give this to you earlier. It's called spanakopita. And it is wet.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Just be careful being me. My looks tend to draw a crowd. It's a chore being this beautiful.
Erica: You do know that you're not actually switching bodies, right?
Barry: Don't be so sure. [magical music plays]
Naked Rob: It's happening.
Matt: So magical!
Andy: They're the same age and gender, so it won't be that strange.
Erica: Idiots. [music slows, stops] It's 9:00. The store is closing.
Barry: Fine. But to make sure our swap is complete, we'll slam our bodies together to exchange life spirits.
Geoff: Yeah, that won't be necessary!
Barry: Yah!

Quote from Adam

Principal Ball: Attention, students! From now on, juniors will be allowed to have lunch off-campus, just like seniors!
Adam: It's finally happening! [throws lunch away]
Principal Ball: Starting tomorrow!
Adam: Why'd you pause? You didn't have to pause.
Mr. Woodburn: Ha! Thanks for the spud, hot head! [chuckles]

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