Bill Lewis: Hi, this is Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile. I'm looking for a nice, clean lady to spend my days with. It used to be my wife.
Lainey: Oh, no.
Bill Lewis: Man, she was pretty. Smelled nice. Tight, little body from all the Jane Fonda. Son of a bitch, Billy Boy! You had it all!
Erica: No.
Beverly: Ouch.
Lainey: Daddy?
Bill Lewis: One day she just walked out on me. All she left behind was this single leg warmer. I wear it on my arm to keep her close.
Erica: Not good.
Beverly: Hard to watch.
Bill Lewis: Dang it, I miss you so much, pookie! [sniffles] So, so much! Also, you must be stacked. I'm so, so sorry.

Bill Lewis: Oh, well, maybe we should do a little Pepsi challenge. Put our birds side by side. Winner takes all.
Beverly: We're not having a cook-off, okay? You're a guest in my home. I couldn't embarrass you like that.
Bill Lewis: Ooh! Sounds like someone's scared. Maybe you should be cooking a chicken instead! Ba-gawk!

Bill Lewis: I can't believe my baby's going off to college in just a few days.
Barry: You mean a few months.
Bill Lewis: Uh, sure. Months. Not on Tuesday morning, before traffic gets bad.
Barry: What?
Bill Lewis: I didn't borrow my cousin Greg's flatbed truck. So, yeah, months.
Barry: It sounds like you borrowed your cousin Greg's flatbed truck 'cause my girlfriend is leaving on Tuesday.
Bill Lewis: You should talk to Lainey.
Barry: Lainey!
Bill Lewis: I didn't mean now.

Barry: What is this about you leaving in a few days?!
Principal Ball: Mr. Goldberg, could you please not interrupt our joyous ceremony?
Lainey: Oh, God. He knows I'm leaving early for Savannah. How does he know?
Bill Lewis: I'm sorry, baby! He got it out of me.

Bill Lewis: My life is stalling! I was gonna do amazing things like take a pottery class or talk to that lady that hoses down the trucks at work.
Lainey: No one says you can't talk to the hose woman, Dad. Keep feeding the fish.

Bill Lewis: I spoke to the hose lady. She is not interested, but at least I have closure.

Lainey: Prom was canceled?!
Bill Lewis: Oh, no!
Barry: What? What'd I say?
Lainey: That's my gig! We were getting paid a thousand bucks for it!
Barry: I didn't know you were getting wildly overpaid to play prom. No one told me.
Lainey: Prom was the only glimmer of hope I had.
Bill Lewis: We have no glimmer. We've lost our glimmer.

Bill Lewis: No, Mur, no! We're so close!
Dealer: Double zeroes! We got a big winner.
Bill Lewis: Not now! I'm in a crisis here!

Bill Lewis: Ugh, bad news. Had a case of the sads last night and ate all the weenies. But we got beans galore! Merry Boggle Night, Bar.
Lainey: Merry Boggle Night.
Bill Lewis: All the spoons are dirty.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Marvin ditched our partnership, my mom was luring in the Lewises with an epic Night One of Hanukkah, which included a Hanukkah tiki hut, Hanukkah chocolate fountain, and Hanukkah champagne tower.
Bill Lewis: Hot damn. My accountant friend said this is a minor holiday. Guess he was just yankin' my chain.