Barry: Okay, I've been listening to the Christmas radio station nonstop for five minutes, and I know exactly what we need to give Bill and Lainey.
Beverly: Really?
Barry: It's all right there in the "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song. Erica, Geoffrey, write this down.
Geoff: On it!
Erica: No.
Barry: First up, we need a Partridge Family CD.
Erica: I think you mean partridge in a pear.
Barry: Buh-bup! We also need 12 Willis Drummonds, 11 Roddy Pipers, 10 Laineys dancing.
Beverly: It's "ladies dancing." Why would Lainey's name be in a song from 200 years ago?
Erica: That's where this breaks down for you, Mom?
Barry: We also need nine Cloris Leachmans, eight maids a sweeping, seven Sprites for swigging, six 6-piece nuggets, five onion rings, four Larry Birds, three french fries, two leather gloves, and, of course, a Partridge Family CD.
Geoff: I'll get the fries, nuggets, Sprite, and Larry Bird. I guess!

Adam: "Melon farmer"?
Murray: What the hell's a melon farmer?
Pops: Someone who farms melons.
Murray: You think someone's sole profession is farming melons? Only melons?
Adam: Forget the melon farming! They changed it for TV.
Murray: Al, listen to me. Nobody farms just melons. Melons and grapes, maybe. But not just melons. That's ridiculous.
Pops: Well, what do you know from melons?
Murray: Oh, I know melons. I got a beautiful cantaloupe cut up in the fridge.
Pops: Cantaloupe? Of all the melons, that's the one you go with?
Murray: You got a better melon?
Pops: Honeydew.
Murray: Honeydew?! [chuckles] That's madness. Hey, Bevy, bring your father a forkful of that cantaloupe.
Beverly: Somebody call for a forkful of cantaloupe?
Adam: I'm getting sick and tired of the melon talk.
Murray: Eat the forkful, Al. You'll see what I mean.
Pops: Oh, that is good.
Adam: Enough with the melons. Just watch the movie.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the holidays. A time for families to come together and celebrate the season. For some, it was about finding the perfect tree. For others, it was about the presents you'd unwrap on Christmas morning. But for me, it was about the movies.
Adam: One for "A Christmas Story", please. [later] One for "Scrooged", please. [later] One for "Christmas Vacation", please. [later] One for "Ernest Saves Christmas", please.
Ticket Vendor: Sorry, it's sold out.
Adam: Damn it, no! I know Ernest saves Christmas, but how?
Ticket Vendor: It's one of life's big questions. Next!
Adam: Bro, help me out here. I'm jonesing for a warm, fuzzy holiday flick. Anything else fit the bill?
Ticket Vendor: I don't know, man. That one?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That day, I discovered the holiday's greatest hero John McClane.
Adam: "Die Hard"? How is that a holiday movie?
Ticket Vendor: It takes place at Christmas?
Adam: Eh, I'll give it a shot.

Hans Gruber: [on film] Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: [on film] Yippee ki yay [bleep].
Adam: [laughing] Best Christmas movie ever!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I ended up seeing "Die Hard" six times in the theater. And then, like any movie-obsessed geek in the '80s, I patiently waited for it to premiere on network TV.
Adam: Guys, here it comes, the greatest line in anything ever.
Hans Gruber: [on TV] Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: [on TV] Yippee ki yay, [dubbed] melon farmer.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Sadly, network TV meant dubbing over all the swear words.

Murray: Admit it. Admit I was right about the cantaloupe.
Pops: Well, I came to the dance with Honeydew, but it looks like I'm going home with Cantaloupe.
Adam: Forget the melon!
Beverly: Nothing like a nice cantaloupe, am I right?
Pops: That's a nice melon.
Murray: I am so proud of that melon.
Pops: It's a nice melon.
Adam: Gah!! You stupid melon farmers are ruining this movie!
Beverly: Mmm, that is so yummy.
Murray: Hey, pass me some of that cantaloupe.

Barry: I'm confused. Where's the tree and lights and presents and three ZZ Top-looking dudes handing out Frankenstein and Myrth?
Lainey: Yeah, in our family, we don't really do any of the yuletide festivities. Or mention the word.
Barry: You mean "Christmas"?
Lainey: Shhh! Don't say the "C" word.
Barry: Why can't I say "Christmas"?
Bill Lewis: Oh, God. Christmas. Damn you, pookie, you broke my heart.
Lainey: Hello, remember?! Christmas Eve is the night my mom skipped out on us. Ever since that night, we don't do anything for the holiday.
Barry: Not even putting presents in the chimney or leaving cookies in your bed for Santa and his wife, Christmas Carol?
Lainey: Wow, you really know nothing about Christmas.
Barry: Obviously! This was finally my chance to eat gingerbread people and make out under the kissy leaf.

Beverly: Seasons greetings, handsome.
Barry: Whoa. What is all this?
Beverly: Oh, just a typical Hanukkah. Maybe you call Bill and Lainey, and invite them over for a casual Ha-nook.
Barry: Okay, what's going on?
Erica: Mom's doing that thing where she turns the holidays into a terrible competition where no one wins.
Beverly: If that was true, then why is my nickname Easy Breezy Holiday Bevy?
Erica: It's not.
Beverly: You got in a battle over Christmas with the Kremps, Thanksgiving with Bill Lewis-
Geoff: Hanukkah with my parents.
Erica: Fourth of July with the Karps, Presidents' Day with that car dealership.
Beverly: For your information, stealing a celebration out of another family's arms is just the way I show my holiday spirit.

Barry: Well, there's no need to compete with Bill.
Beverly: Why? 'Cause nothing can compete with Christmas?
Barry: No, no, you don't understand.
Beverly: Oh, I understand but good. I don't care how many presents were under that tree or how many hams were glazed, I will do whatever I have to do to keep my babies home with me for the holidays.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, Barry realized that he could use our mom's holiday desperation to his advantage.
Barry: I don't know if you can compete, Mom. I mean, their Christmas was big.
Beverly: Oh, Mama can go big.
Barry: But they had a 20-foot tree, tons of tinsel, vats of bread pudding, life-sized Nutcracker men, candy cane swords, an eggnog ice luge, gum drop pillows, a working toy shop with elves, and an appearance by the man himself.
Geoff: Santa?!
Beverly: Not now, Geoffrey!
Barry: Yes, Santa. With all his 47 reindeer. It was legendary.

Marvin: All right, I am freshly showered, and I am ready to brainstorm. Go!
Adam: Okay, everyone knows the best part of "Die Hard" is that the whole movie is set in a building, right? So, I've been thinking of a ton of locations to die hard in.
Marvin: Mm, I love how you're thinking inside of the box here, kid. What do you got?
Adam: "Die Hard" in a mall.
Marvin: It's too easy. Next.
Adam: "Die Hard" in a water park!
Marvin: It's too wet. Next.
Adam: "Die Hard" on a moon base.
Marvin: Boring. Next.
Adam: "Die Hard" in an airport.
Marvin: Lame. Next.
Adam: "Die Hard" on a bus!
Marvin: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Adam: All I got left is "Die Hard" in a tree house.
Marvin: "Die Hard" in a tree house? I don't like it.
Adam: You love it?
Marvin: Oh, man, you ruined the moment by saying what I was gonna say.
Adam: It just seemed kinda obvious.