Previous Episode Next Episode 

38Quotes from ‘Graduation Day’

The Goldbergs: Graduation Day

424. Graduation Day

Aired May 17, 2017

As Erica gets ready to graduate, it turns out Beverly isn't the only one afraid of what the future holds. Meanwhile, Barry tries to make the most of the time he has left with Lainey, and Adam is surprised when Dana returns to town.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: There is so much stuff in here. What's with all these notes from your mom?
Erica: She put one in my lunch every day like a crazy lady, and I just chuck them in here.
Geoff: "Dear Schmoo, I love you more today than I ever have before. I am here for you always."
Erica: Okay, that one's kind of sweet.
Geoff: "Dear Boopie, you're a perfect angel, and Drew Kremp doesn't deserve you. P.S. his Mustang now has some serious scratches"?
Erica: Holy crap. She's the one who keyed Drew's car?!
Geoff: "Dear Squishy, I know change is hard, but I promise you, sweetie, your boobies will grow just like the rest of you." Okay, maybe I shouldn't read all these.

Rate

Quote from Beverly

Erica: This is exactly why I can't wait to leave this house and never come back.
Beverly: Oh, poop. We both know you're gonna miss my cuddles and snuggies and plubbies next year.
Erica: I'm sorry. "Plubbies"?
Beverly: It's something I've been workshopping, and I think it's ready to go. [chuckles] Guard your belly button.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Mom, face it. Our family is changing. Everything that you've come to know over the past few years is about to be turned on its head.
Beverly: Don't say that! The Goldbergs will always stay the same. Nothing will ever change in this house.
Barry: Nothing except Lainey leaving for fashion school and basically taking a dump on my dreams.
Beverly: Okay, fine. I acknowledge that's also big. Erica and Lainey are going to college. But that's it. No more changes.
Adam: Hey, Ma, can you pick up some Bic razors? Mine's a little dull from scraping the old scruff.
Beverly: No! Bad boy! You do not shave!
Adam: I gotta. My old lady, Jackie, likes me smooth.
Beverly: But I'm your old lady.
Adam: You know, saying that kind of stuff was cute when I was a tiny child, but now it's getting weird.
Beverly: Fine. Erica and Lainey are leaving. My little baby boy has grown into a gangly, deep-voiced, furry young man. But that's it no more changes.

Quote from Lainey

Barry: Damn it! Why do you insist on ripping my heart from my shredded pecs and punting it into a cauldron of flames?
Lainey: Look, we only have a few months left before I go to college. Let's not waste it fighting.
Barry: But I want our Barry/Lainey Summer of Love Farewell Tour to be perfect.
Lainey: And I want that, too, but this list of mandatory activities is just too much. I mean, come on. Look at this: Road trips, picnics, concerts, skiing, apple picking, berry picking, pear picking. So many fruits. I don't want to work this hard.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Screw it! I give up. Nothing will ever be the same again in this house.
Murray: I'm home. Nobody bother me. TV's mine.
Beverly: Never change, you beautiful, miserable man!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Okay, I'm all packed for college. Now all I need is to befriend my R.A. so that I can throw a kegger without consequences.
Beverly: [chuckles] Well, you're three months early. You haven't even graduated high school yet.
Erica: I may have jumped the gun a bit, but it's only because I'm counting down the hours until I get out of this hellhole. You get it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Well, I still have three months left where you're my little baby schmoo that I want to gobble up because you're just so delicious! Nyum, nyum, nyum, - nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum!
Erica: Aww. Your mom-brain is fighting this. It's funny.
Beverly: There's nothing funny about losing a child. To college.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I don't want to overstate it, but "Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment" is literally the most important movie of our time.
Jackie: Sure, it's a critical darling, but if we're talking about laughs per minute, then you got to go with "Police Academy 3: Back in Training."
Adam: Point taken. Hey, do you have time to stay and watch "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol"?
Jackie: Obviously. "Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach" comes out tomorrow, and we can't go in unprepared.
Adam: Oh, my God! I have a girlfriend who actually likes "Police Academy"!
Jackie: You just called me your girlfriend.
Adam: Oh, balls. Did I go I went too far. I went too far.
Jackie: I mean, no. You said it, so I'll say it, too.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Erica and Geoff. So funny running into you here.
Erica: Damn it. She's got the chalkboard!
Geoff: Oh, no. I'm upset, but why?
Erica: That thing only comes out when someone wants something dumb that only makes sense with a visual aid.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hey, there's nothing dumb about my Cuddle Calendar.
Erica: Oh, God, it's got a catchy, but terrible name. Run, Geoff. Shield your innocent eyes. Go, go, go.
Geoff: I can't. The board's blocking us. We're trapped.
Beverly: According to my calculations, you have 63 days left before you leave this house and break my heart, litelly killing me dead, which is why I made this schedule. To maximize mommy-daughter time.
Erica: Okay, according to this ridiculous calendar, I'm spending every waking second with you. When do I hang out with Geoff?
Beverly: Well, you see that little sliver? Right there is a little sliver. Well, maybe you don't see it, but it says "G.S."

Quote from Adam

Jackie: It's still weird between me and my old boyfriend.
Adam: Uh, where is he? All I see is Ruben Amaro Jr. casually displaying his athleticism.
Jackie: Yeah. That's my ex.
Adam: Wait. You were with Ruben Amaro Jr.? The Ruben Amaro Jr.?
Jackie: From seventh to ninth grade. Why?
Adam: You spanned three grades with the guy who isn't afraid to change into his gym clothes without a towel around his waist? This is not okay!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Told you, bro. All love ends.
Adam: Stop! We'll work it out.
Barry: No, you won't. You'll just end up like me, sniffing a sweater Lainey left in my room to remind me of her.
Adam: That's Mom's.
Barry: No!

Quote from Pops

Pops: Bev, stop with the crying. I can't hear the children say stupid things.
Beverly: [sobbing] But my baby is graduating from high school, a day I've been dreading since she graduated from my body.
Murray: She's gone forever! Hoo-hoo! One down, two to go!
Pops: I think both of your attitudes are very extreme and terrible.

Quote from Lainey

Barry: Dude, how could you leave early and not tell me?
Lainey: I'll explain everything when the time is right, which is not now!
Barry: No! No way. Do not walk away from me.
Lainey: I'm not walking away. I'm slowly and deliberately marching to receive my diploma.

Quote from Erica

Principal Ball: And we'll just move right along to Erica Goldberg.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My sister was steps away from starting her adult life, but as she stood speechless on that stage, nothing scared her more.
Erica: Yeah, I'm good.
Principal Ball: Erica, please let's just end this. Just take it.
Erica: No.
Principal Ball: Take the diploma.
Erica: Pass.
Principal Ball: You can't pass.
Erica: But I can, and I do.
Principal Ball: Take it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Coach Mellor, we meet again one last, final time.
Coach Mellor: I take it you read that little note I left for Erica. All right, let's tango.
Beverly: She's not coming. It's just me.
Coach Mellor: But I kind of need her here. I had a big, angry speech meant to guilt and shame her for missing my class 27 times this year.
Beverly: This is an outrage. You have no right to target her t- 27 times? Wow. That's a lot.
Coach Mellor: And she forged a doctor's note saying she couldn't run or jump because of "lady problems." How dare you accuse her of forgery when you- "Dr. Edmund T. Doctorman." Oh, come on.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: I warned her for three years: fail gym, pay the price.
Beverly: Okay, she's still a wonderful girl, and I will stop at nothing until you give me that diploma.
Coach Mellor: Ugh. Here you go.
Beverly: That's it?
Coach Mellor: Brace yourself. Ready to have your mind blown? I have no real power. My greatest weapon is threatening the kids with failing gym. So, every year, I terrify the attractive, popular kids to let them know that their actions have consequences, even though they really, really don't.
Beverly: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to call Erica and bring her in here?
Coach Mellor: Eh, the moment's gone. You raised an amazing woman, Beverly Goldberg. It's been a pleasure doing battle with you.


 Episode 423 Episode 501 
  Select another episode