Jonah: Okay, Glenn, how about... hit us with one of yours. You know, a classic manager announcement for the fans.
Glenn: Yeah, okay. All right. We need someone to replace me as floor supervisor. So if you're interested, let me know, 'cause, you know, it can lead to bigger things. Just look at Amy... Jonah.
Jonah: It's fine, seriously.
Glenn: No, no. It's my first meeting, and already, I'm upsetting everyone. And now I'm stressed, and I promised Jerusha that, if this should happen, I would remove myself from the situation. [hands clipboard to Dina and walks away]
Dina: Twice. They made him the manager twice.

Carol: You holding up, okay?
Glenn: Yeah, sure am. I mean, as good as I can be, you know, after the fight with Jerusha.
Carol: Mm-hmm.
Glenn: Yep, she said some bathroom words.
Carol: Oh.
Glenn: She threw a mustard jar at me. It left a bruise... on my thigh. So you can't see it... I mean, unless, you know, we were to go swimming, but it'll be gone by pool season. So, you know, you won't even be able to see it then, but it will have been there in the past, which is now.
Carol: Jerusha. What a bitch.
Glenn: Uh-huh.

Garrett: You remember when I dated that girl Alex that worked here?
Glenn: Uh, oh, yeah, of course.
Garrett: Can you please tell Sandra that we were in love and not just hooking up? I mean, we hung out all the time. Remember?
Glenn: Oh... Oh, yeah, yeah. You guys were joined at the hip for a while, there.
Garrett: Thank you.
Glenn: Became a problem though 'cause he was also seeing Candace from pharmacy.
Garrett: Okay, we don't need to get into that.
Sandra: So you were in love, but you were also dating someone else.
Glenn: Yes, and then Alex found out about Candace, and then they refused to work the same shifts together. I'm getting stressed just talking about it. I'm gonna go call Jerusha. [gasps] Don't tell Carol. And if she asks, you saw my thigh bruise, and it was hideous. All thanks to Mateo.

Mateo: So I saw you gave Justine another chance. Not thrilled you went against my wishes, but I think we can make it work. She owes us everything now.
Glenn: Uh-huh.
Mateo: Oh, you don't need to count these. We should just give it to Cheyenne. She's my best friend in the store. It just makes sense for us to run things together.
Glenn: Wha.. Nuh-uh! No way, José. I'm sorry. I don't know if that's offensive, but... No more executive decision making for you. You've gone power mad.
Marcus: [chuckles] You don't mean that. You need me.
Glenn: As an assistant. So starting tomorrow, you will do what I tell you to do and only when I tell you to do it.
Mateo: Glenn, I don't think that's a good...
Glenn: No, no, unless I specifically assign you work, you're just gonna have to sit in your office and text your friends and read those celebrity magazines. You got it?
Mateo: Well, I... I guess I have no choice.
Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Mateo: The thing is, I don't have that much phone data.
Glenn: Then I will add you to my family plan!
Mateo: Understood. Understood.

Sandra: [on the phone] Glenn, I'm sorry, but I'm in electronics, so I can't see the wheel. Plus, I'm not supposed to be talking.
Glenn: Real quick. I just had a few ideas for when the wheel lands on "fun." Okay, can you just FaceTime me? 'Cause it's kind of more of a dance.
Dina: Meeting, break room, now. [skeleton screeches]
Glenn: Sandra, what is going on in there? I hear screaming.
Woman: [on TV] I will slaughter you all!
Glenn: Sandra, be careful. That lady sounds like bad news!

Nia: Yeah, what's up?
Glenn: Yeah, sorry. I just wanna check a few things before you go. What kind of symptoms have you been having?
Dina: I've already been through this with her.
Nia: Yeah, I honestly think I just need to see the doctor.
Glenn: I'd say you just need to see the manager. So, um, have you been feeling feverish? You know, any chills? Knuckle stiffness?
Dina: Stiff knuckles? Which would indicate...
Glenn: Well, you don't wanna have 'em, I can tell you that.
Nia: My knuckles are fine.
Glenn: And... and... and the food that you ate, was it sort of smelling funky like a rotting meat with, like, a skin sorta...
Nia: Oh, God! [retches]
Glenn: Oh, um... Okay, manager's assessment is over. Uh, you may go home. [Nia retches]

Earl: I think it's good that the kid had some consequences. Kids have it too easy these days. Everybody gets a trophy.
Cheyenne: You say that about everything. Do you want us to give you a trophy?
Earl: If everyone's getting one.
Glenn: Well, when I was a kid, we'd get hit, but we never cried about it 'cause then we'd get hit.

Glenn: So turns out that very aggressive redhead who came in yesterday was not Carrot Top. [all groan]
Dina: I know. We've reviewed the tape several times and can't in good conscious call it a match.
Jonah: I'm sorry, guys. I guess I just saw what I wanted to see.
Sandra: But he posed for so many photos with me.

Woman: Excuse me, do you have gay iPad cases?
Glenn: Uh, yeah, in electronics. Have a heavenly day.
Dina: Wait, you didn't hear about that either?
Glenn: What?
Dina: Oh, today is fun for me. Zephra's asking that we no longer use the term "heavenly day."
Glenn: What?
Dina: Yeah, there was a memo. They feel it's a little loaded.
Glenn: Yeah. Yeah, it's loaded with kindness! It's the same thing as saying "have a nice day" or "have a good day."
Dina: Great. Then say one of those instead.
Glenn: To the customers? I might as well give 'em the middle finger.

Glenn: Hey, guys, I need some computer help. I'm trying to email my friend Gary at Cloud 9 corporate, you know, about them making us say, "have a non-heavenly day."
Jonah: Oh, I'm not sure that's what they were going for. I think they're just trying to play it safe, you know, 'cause some people don't believe in Heaven. [awkward silence]
Glenn: Anyway, every time I email him, I keep getting this weird message back from a mailer demon.
Garrett: Oh, that just means a demon ate your friend Gary's soul.
Jonah: What? No, it's mailer-daemon. It means that the email doesn't exist anymore. I'm sure there was a whole bunch of reshuffling at corporate when Zephra took over.
Glenn: So no more Gary, no more Heaven, just more computers and demons.