Jordan: Admittedly, getting rid of Maddox is a board issue but as you all know, I recently retired to become a full-time mom.
J.D.: [v.o.] Crap, we forgot Jordan's retirement party last week. I hope we weren't the only ones.
Dr. Cox: I really should have gone to your party.
Jordan: You think?

Jordan: Hey, Johann. Give me some chocolate.
Elliot: Johann, you slut.
Jordan: These puppies, they pay for themselves.

Dr. Cox: Say, Jack? Don't your think your mom should be just a little embarrassed since she's constantly being outwitted by a 4-year old?
Jack: I hate school!
Dr. Cox: I remember.
Jordan: Can you please not be a jackass in front of the help? [looks at the Janitor]

Dr. Cox: Hey, janitor. Rock solid relationship there.
Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking in someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh, there it goes. Bye bye hope.
Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. And excuse me for not having a relationship built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.
Dr. Cox: We don't hate each other, do we?
Jordan: A little bit, but we make it work.

Jordan: I'm gonna torture him till he gives up that ring.
Elliot: Hey. Eavesdropping. Things have been going so great between J.D. and I since we started dating again. You want to know why?
Janitor: Not really.
Jordan: No one cares that you two are back together.
Elliot: Why not?
Jordan: Because you've been doing it on and off for 7 years. And if anyone of us ever want to have another stupid conversation about your relationship, all we have to do is think back and remember one of the other billions of stupid conversations we've all had about your relationship.

Jordan: What are you doing? The van to take us to the airport is downstairs.
Dr. Cox: It's called my job, it's that little thing I do seventy to eighty hours a week while you're eating, drinking, napping, spending, plucking, ignoring the children and singing rap tunes into a hair brush.
Jordan: Huh?
Dr. Cox: You forgot about the nanny cam in the bedroom, didn't you?
[nanny cam footage:]
Jordan: [raps] I like it like that She working that back I don't know how to act Slow motion for me
[present:]
Jordan: I did, but I'm okay with it. Because I'm fly.

Dr. Cox: You realize I'm probably gonna have to work the entire time we're there?
Jordan: The only thing better than going on vacation without our kids is going without our kids and you're too busy to spend time with me.
Dr. Cox: You don't mean that.
Jordan: I do. It's an amazing gift.

Jordan: You know, the Abacos have incredible snorkeling. Since you're not a strong swimmer, let's say we get really, really drunk and go later.
Dr. Cox: Darling, I distinctly remember telling you I had to do some work down here. But if you'd like me to stop so that we can spend some time together, you just say the word.
Jordan: Never.

Jordan: You obviously know how I feel about you. Why are you trying to change me? This, that works for us. Remember when my dog died and you told me he went to doggy hell? And then you said my mom was gonna go to doggy hell too when she died.
Dr. Cox: Because of her dog face.
Jordan: Right. I wanted to do you right there in the vet's office. Why are you trying to change our dynamic? I don't want to.
Dr. Cox: Suit yourself. Just leave me alone.

Lady: I just wanna look great for my honey bunny. That's my nickname for him. He also loves it cause it's his favorite sandwich. I feel like I finally found the perfect man, you know?
Jordan: Oh, please. There's no such thing. Look at Perry. He pretends he's cold and emotionless, but underneath he's a sweet guy who wants to talk about our relationship all the time.
Carla: Face it. Men are just gassy, selfish, sex-crazed egomaniacs who were put on this earth to make your life miserable, that's it.
Lady: I'm getting married in, like, ten minutes.
Jordan: Ah, you'll live.