Elliot: Okay, we've only got two days, people. Melody, you're on decorations. Jordan, you'll come up with my look.
Jordan: If I can get you an appointment, would you have your armpits Botoxed so they don't sweat? Because, otherwise, I'm very limited.
Elliot: I'm open to it.

Jordan: Check it. Not a drop of sweat and it's like a hundred degrees, in there.
Melody: We haven't really been introduced.
Jordan: Jordan. But first smell it.

Jordan: Hey, so I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze for your party for half price. Little hitch, you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Cox: Lovely.

Melody: Okay, everyone. Keith's spontaneous proposal to Elliot will be happening in exactly one minute. Elliot has requested no cellphone photography. Those pictures give her a pan-face. [murmurs of agreement]
Jordan: Okay, when she gets here, let's be quiet, and give her our full and complete attention.
Todd: I tell you what's already a full attention.
[Jordan throws a beer bottle at The Todd]
Jordan: Per-Per? Can I have the beer, please?

Jordan: You know how you and I don't talk so much? If you're wondering whether or not that makes me happy or sad, it makes me happy.
Janitor: You love being edgy, don't ya?
Jordan: I do. [spills drink] Ooh, missed a spot. Sad for you.
Janitor: [drinks spill] Ah, first spill of the day.

Jordan: Well, the cars's here, for some reason it was half an hour early.
Dr. Cox: No, that was me.
Jordan: You know, you're gonna miss me more than I miss you. Oh, please, underneath those four pounds of makeup and quarter inch of synthetically-paralyzed skin, there is a fightened little drunk girl that I can already hear blubbering on the phone, "Oh Pe-rry I miss You So... Ah!"
Jordan: This is you: "Oh Jordan, please come home. Please!"
Dr. Cox: Ah!
Jordan: Uh!
Dr. Cox: Ah!
Jordan: Uh! See? This is why we're a great couple. Bet you call me before I call you, you pathetic wuss!
Dr. Cox: You're on.

Jordan: Why would anyone wanna save Kelso's job?
Carla: For starters-
Jordan: You know what? I don't honestly care one way or the other.
Carla: About Kelso?
Jordan: Or about anything. But then again, you two are young enough and attractive enough that I'm not angry when people assume we're friends, so what the hell? Here's what you do. Board members hate confrontation. There's a board meeting tonight. Just show up at the hospital, with all the movers and shakers in support of Kelso, they'll cave.

Jordan: All right, kid, I expect updates on my daughter every 15 minutes. Or what, Perry?
Dr. Cox: You will be let go.
Jordan: I love that you're the boss now. Honest to god, it almost makes you seem attractive.

Jordan: Where the hell are you going? It's your night to tell him a story.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't be more wiped out.
Jordan: The Nanny's mom died, and I had to spend the whole day sprinting around the house trying to avoid having conversations with her. You don't see me crying about it. So suck it up and spin a yarn.
Jack: Yeah, Dad, suck it up.

[fairy tale:]
Turk: I don't know what's scarier, the monster or that scary old lady.
J.D.: What scary old lady?
[reality: Dr. Cox and Jack scream as Jordan sticks her head, wearing a mud mask]
Jordan: Very funny. Perry, it's his bedtime.
Dr. Cox: But, Jordan.
Jack: But, mom.
Jordan: No buts. Lights out.