Dr. Mahoney: Now, if we slide the wand over here, we'll see if it's a boy or a girl.
Jordan: Wait. Change of plans, Per. Beat it!
Dr. Cox: No no, no. You committed to find enough the sex of the child, this time.
Jordan: Oh, yeah, I am gonna find out the sex of the child, but you're not, unless you work out a routine with Jack for the parent-child dance recital.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy already lip syncs into your tampons. Must we put the final nail into his tiny gay coffin?
Jordan: Moma wants you at her feet.
Dr. Cox: Tell her she can't do this.
Dr. Mahoney: I would, but when she looks at me my insides get all cold.
Dr. Cox: You're a coward! You're a coward!

Jordan: So can I stop squeezing out brats, or is it another stupid boy?
Dr. Mahoney: Uh-oh. Excuse me for a second.
Jordan: Uh-oh?! Don't say "uh-oh".
[As Dr. Mahoney steps out of the room, Turk and Dr. Cox are arguing in the corridor]
Jordan: Follow him. He said "uh-oh".

Dr. Cox: We're only telling you this, because we need a favor.
J.D.: Anything, just three quick questions. Did you do this to your head so that the baby would think anybody looks like that? Can I be the godfather? And why is this a secret?
Dr. Cox: I'm going to answer the first two with the same sentence: Stop making dumb jokes. And it is a secret because Jordan had pre-natal surgery for hydronephrosis, so I wanna make sure everything's okay with the kid before we start spreading the word.
J.D.: You guys, your baby is going to be just fine.
Jordan: Thanks, now all our fears are gone.

[As Dr. Mickhead grabs a sugar sachet from the table:]
Jordan: Um, have you ever heard the phrase "Excuse me"? Here, take the fake sugars, 'cause I hope you get cancer, I really do.
All: [murmurs of disagreement]
Jordan: Well, my parents were mean to me.
All: [murmurs of support]

Elliot: Keith and I are always so busy that he suggested that we meet here for ten minutes before our shifts starts, for coffee and for some together-time. Is that not sweet?
Jordan: That may have been the most bored I have ever been whilst someone was talking to me.
Keith: She's ruining our coffee time.
Elliot: Just pretend she's not here. So, anyway, explain...
Jordan: [v.o.] Uh, I hate everybody. Oh, look at those two. [looks at Colonel Doctor & Dr. Beardfacé] It must be the Beard of the Month Club. "My beard is nice and white." "But my beard is more bushy." "Yeah, let's be friends." Morons.

Keith: I love you.
Elliot: I love you too.
Jordan: Wow, what the hell was that?
Elliot: I finally told Keith I loved him.
Jordan: Now that you've said what he wants hear, he doesn't have to work for it. It's like when guys are really trying to sleep with you. When you finally give it up, there are no more flowers. Next thing you know, it's 20 years later, and you're standing over him while he sleeps, your third Martini in one hand and a steak knife in the other. And sure, he's taking his sleeping pills, so you can slice his arm open a little bit without waking him up. But it's not satisfying, and you know why? Because you've lost the power. Hey Per-Per! Did you figure out what happened to your arm?
Dr. Cox: Nope.
Jordan: Phew.
Elliot: Yes, phew.

Jordan: What took you so long? I need a drink!
Dr. Cox: I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I was just with this super-rude patient whose heart kept stopping. He's dead now, but darn it all he should have known that my ex-wife was down here jonesing for a Cosmo.
Jordan: [v.o.] He is so getting cut again, tonight.

Elliot: Alrighty, Trish, I'm off to the movies with my boyfriend, who doesn't treat me any differently even though I've already said I loved him.
Nurse: My name's not Trish.
Elliot: Oh, that's okay. It was for her benefit.
Keith: Hey, sweetie. Um, the guys are gonna play poker, is it okay if we skip the movie?
Elliot: Sure.
Keith: Oh, thanks, babe.
Jordan: [v.o.] Don't say anything. Let the dark side draw her in. Come on, come to mama.
Elliot: Jordan, teach me.
Jordan: Okay, it's simple. If he thinks it's okay to mess with you, you just mess with him.
Elliot: Done.
Jordan: [v.o.] Ah, it's so fun to screw with someone's relationships. And such a good practice for when my daughter grows up.

Jordan: [v.o.] I mean, look at him there by himself, rub it in for funsies.
Jordan: Hey, Keith. Where's Blondie? I thought it was your little coffee date time.
Keith: If she was mad about something, why wouldn't she just tell me? I guess I thought that once she'd finally said I love you, that all this insecure game would stop, you know? Bye, Jordan.
Jordan: [v.o.] That did not give me the delicious, satisfied feeling I was going for.

Elliot: So you wanted to talk to me?
Jordan: I'm about to speak to you from the heart, and since that's very difficult for me, I need you to sit there silently while I mentally prepare myself.
Elliot: Jordan, I have patients-
Jordan: Shush!