Dr. Kelso: You know. Last weekend, Perry and I went to the movies together.
J.D.: So?
Dr. Kelso: Thought you'd be interested.
J.D.: Was it a romantic comedy?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah.
[J.D. screams and throws his cafeteria tray up in the air]

Dr. Kelso: Send Peggy for an ABG and a chest CT. , And when you're done, send her sputum for atypicals.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, you do realize that you don't work here anymore?
Dr. Kelso: Look, her husband was an old friend. Plus, I have forgotten more about medicine than you two will ever know. I don't know you, but I assume I have you beat because you're blonde and you're rolling with Dr.
Reeks-of-beer.
Elliot: It's my hair, okay?
Denise: Yeah, and watch the lip, grandpa, because you wouldn't be the first old man I ever beat up.
Dr. Kelso: Ha! I like her. She's got girl balls.

Elliot: You eatin' lunch?
Dr. Kelso: What gave it away?
Elliot: J.D. and I usually eat lunch together.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, god, here it comes.
Elliot: J.D. was sitting in that exact chair when we had our third kiss.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's very romantic. I will try not to drill any more farts into it.

Elliot: I thought it would be different this time with J.D. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's dumb. Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy. God knows why. Isn't that enough?

Intern: I'm Bob Kelso, and my life is so empty that I still come here every day to stuff my face with muffins. And I like prostitutes. [laughter]
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] That's funny 'cause it's true.

Barista: Folks, I'm sorry but we have to close. Our pastry maker was just admitted to the hospital with a highly contagious intestinal virus.
Dr. Kelso: [finishing his fifth muffin] What the hell. I'm already in it.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I need to check myself in.
Nurse: For what?
Dr. Kelso: [vomits] For that.

Dr. Kelso: Well, it's good to be near your son. I still toy with the idea of moving up to Seattle to be closer to Harrison's bordello. Harrison has dropped all pretense. He's a man-whore now.
J.D.: Oh, there's good money in that, especially if you do the naughty stuff.

Ted: Aw, man He got my coffee wrong.
Carla: How?
Ted: It's dirt.
Dr. Kelso: That may be because I told Donnie you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.
Ted: Why would you do that?
Dr. Kelso: Because Donnie is a vengeful, little punk, and I wanted to see what he would do.
Ted: He's a convicted felony. He shivved a guy!
Dr. Kelso: Aah, I love you Donnie. Muffin, please.

Carla: I still can't believe you're going back to work.
Dr. Kelso: I miss doctoring. And great thing about locum tenens is it's part time and you have to go where they need you, so it's gonna force Enid and me to travel.
Ted: Finally gonna stop hanging around here?
Dr. Kelso: Yep. This is my last muffin in this place.
Ted: Finally gonna stop hanging around here?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, look. He's stuck on a thought. If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes, just kick him. That's what I always do.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I have enjoyed this stupid coffee spot so much. I need a momento. Would you distract the staff while I steal my favourite table?
Carla: I don't think so, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Understood. It's not your fight.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I'm afraid all I can offer you is a handshake.
J.D.: I'll take it, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Have a great life, Dorian.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: Get as much tail as you can.
J.D.: I always do, sir.
Elliot: Already threw him morning sex today.
Dr. Kelso: Atta girl!