Dr. Kelso: [to Drew] You know, son, I was married to my Enid for 44 years. And now she's gone. And the only reason I teach is so I don't have to be alone in my house. You can't wall yourself off from other people. You won't make it.
Turk: That's some truth being dropped there.
Dr. Kelso: Great. So how about you two clear out? Cindy here's three martinis in, and I'm about to land that marlin. Oh, damn. She was go to go.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, why are you here?
Dr. Kelso: This is my sex pad.
Turk: And what have you done with Barry Friedman?
Dr. Kelso: He dropped out of med school two weeks after it started. I've been using his dorm room as my love nest. I can't get with a gal In the same bed I shared with Enid. Gives me the softies.
J.D.: Wow, that's disgusting.
Turk: Ugh. Threw up in my mouth a little.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Turkleton. I know what it's like to lose a friend. I lost my good buddy Steve back in Korea.
Turk: Sir, that was a horrible war.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, it was, but I'm talking about a family trip we took to the '88 Olympics. I suggested a wife swap to Steve, and things got pretty weird. Yes, it was an amazing night, but was it worth it to lose a good friend over? Probably.

Dr. Kelso: So I said to the lady, "Where can a well-hung marine buy a pair of shoes around here?" [laughs]
Turk: [laughs] I don't even know what that is.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, those days are gone.
Denise: Dr. Kelso, really? Please tell me you're not another one of Dr. Turk's gentleman suitors.
Dr. Kelso: I am indeed. I think it will be great to have a black friend to help me out with the sisters. Get my swirl on.
Turk: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Dr. Kelso: Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for god's sake.
Dr. Cox: Listen, old prospector, I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret. You know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it.
Dr. Kelso: Then how does it know what I like? I miss the good old days, when doctors and patients actually got to know each other. You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chitchat.
Turk: Yes, the good old days. Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor, but could live out his lifelong dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments. Yes, things were much better back then.
Dr. Kelso: See? Turkleton gets it.

Dr. Cox: Please tell me you've got some good news for me on this godforsaken day.
Turk: She's still refusing steroids. I don't get it. What are we missing?
Dr. Kelso: As usual, you are missing the point. She walked in off the street, and you didn't take the time to find out anything about her. She could be anybody, a princess or a terrorist or a hot lesbian.
Dr. Cox: Bob, she is a hot lesbian.
Dr. Kelso: I knew one day that example would make sense.
Turk: And we did talk to her.
Dr. Kelso: About her condition, but not about what makes her tick. [chuckles] You see, in the old days, when we knew everything about a patient, their decisions never surprised you. You find out more about that young lady, I bet you'll find the answer.

Denise: So you're too good to assist Russell now?
Turk: No, I am the chief of surgery. I am no one's secretary.
Dr. Kelso: Secretary? He's asking you to help him with a tricky surgery.
Turk: Sir, do you just hang around, waiting for conversations to weigh in on?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. That and my judge shows get me through the day. Now, look, good leaders don't care about their ego. If all you want to do is get massaged, I've got the number of a girl who will take you to the mountaintop.
Denise: God, you are a nasty old man.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, dear. Turkleton, let me cut to the quick. Either you get into that surgery, pucker up and start kissing Russell's ass so he continues to raise giant sums of money for this hospital, which helps everyone, or you can continue to act like a what was that, dear?
Denise: Tiny girl bitch.
Dr. Kelso: That's right. Either way, it's your call, chief.
Turk: Sir, you're so happy you're not the chief anymore, aren't you?
Dr. Kelso: Every second.

Dr. Cox: Well, then, Bobbo, I figured out what's causing the fainting.
Dr. Kelso: Men don't faint.We take unintended decisive naps.
Dr. Cox: It's just vagal syncope. Nothing to worry about.
Dr. Kelso: That's a relief. So just fill my prescription for blue steel and I'll be on my way.
Dr. Cox: There is one other thing. Unfortunately, given your age and your current insurance regulations, they're not gonna let you drive anymore.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's crazy! I'm a great driver.
[flashback to Kelso eating, reading a newspaper and answering his phone as he drives:]
Dr. Kelso: Hey, what's up? [horn honks] Nothin'. Ah, I was about to grab some yogurt. [tires squeal]
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Ah, I guess I can bum rides. Well, it's good, actually. You don't know how many times I've been out late and had to pass on that seventh drink. No more Mr. Responsible!

Dr. Kelso: Oh, so you're going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point you're just beating up an old man.
Dr. Cox: Relax. I'm just fixing your nose. Now, I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you, there, Bob. I shouldn't have done that. Even if it did actually feel so damn good I changed my pants afterwards. But, still, I'm starting to think it would be smart if you and I were to bury the hatchet. What do you say, there, Bob? Come, on, handsome!
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, ace: You will always be a royal pain in my ass, and I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam that knife into your side once and for all, and you know it as well as I do! [Dr. Cox fixes Kelso's nose] Much better, thanks!
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.
Dr. Kelso: People don't change, Perry.

Dr. Kelso: Donny, muffin, please? [catches muffin] Not bran. [catches another] Better. What do you want?
Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture nurse chest whiskers. But it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Janitor: You were there.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. [into his muffin] What? Shh. [whispers] He's standing right here.
Janitor: [whispers] Me?
Dr. Kelso: [normal voice] Okay, I'll tell him. My muffin thinks you're crazy, and she wants you to go.
Janitor: [normal voice] You tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go.
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: What is happening to me? [exits]
Carla: [to Dr. Kelso] Nice job.