Mark: [aside to camera] Recently, I had been thinking about maybe, um, leaving this job. But I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week that I was going to propose. The government got shut down, and yesterday... One of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors, so...

Ron Swanson: I haven't even started yet.
Mark: I know. I thought you could use some help. Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. You know what I'm sayin'?
Ron Swanson: Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes--
Mark: Ron, shut up, would you please? I'm taking a half day off to come and help you out because you're my friend. So just shut up.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I'm bringing my workshop up to the Swanson code. And if the Swanson code happens to overlap with the city government code-
Mark: [o.s.] Shut up!

Mark: [aside to camera] Leslie is unique. Government work can beat you down. I would say that I lost my optimism about government in about two months. Leslie's kept hers for six years. I've got a few rules about how to survive and prosper in a government job, and I think I'm about to break one of those rules.
[later:]
Mark: I want you to give Lot 48 to Leslie so she can try to build a park.
Ron Swanson: Why should I?
Mark: You owe me one, remember?
Ron Swanson: Do you want to cash in for this?
Mark: Yeah, I do.

Leslie Knope: I can't believe my mom tried to set me up with an 80-year-old man. [Mark laughs] I went to dinner tonight with somebody's grandpa.
Mark: You know what? That guy was too young for you. You should be dating guys in their early hundreds. I'm telling you, you should be dating men that Al Roker announces their birthdays.

Leslie Knope: Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater.
Mark: Oh... Cut it out, now.
Leslie Knope: Just to be clear, that was a friend punch. There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.
Mark: Yes, I do understand. You've made it abundantly clear that there's no romantic element to our relationship in any way.
Leslie Knope: Yes. Good. Isn't it good to be able to just kind of horse around like this as friends?
Mark: It is. Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: I really hit rock bottom that night. And I mean that I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock. I remember laying there thinking, "There's probably a good reason why I'm down here... and single." And then I started thinking, "I need morphine."

Ann: Hey. Can I help you at 11:48 p. m?
Mark: Okay, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons. When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.
Ann: Right.
Mark: When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.
Ann: Uh-huh.
Mark: Nothing insane. When I tell you what...
Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Mark: What I'm doing is, I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff that I'm not very proud of. But I like you. So, I would rather you not find out about this from anyone but me. This was a bad idea.
Ann: No, no. It's fine. I get what this is, and why you did it.
Mark: Is there anything that you would like to share from your past, to sort of balance the scales?
Ann: Yeah. One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight, to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him.
Mark: Good night.

Mark: Look, I understand that this Ann situation is awkward. But I like you a lot as a dude. And I just hope that there is some way that we can both be mature, and maybe be friends.
Andy: Yeah. I doubt it. I mean, I think you're a cool dude, too. I like you as well. But I'm still in love with Ann. I couldn't have been more upfront about that.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Is punching allowed on the high road?

Mark: Oh, God. What is that?
Leslie Knope: This is our entry for the mural contest. We couldn't decide on one design, so we took parts that we all liked of our designs, and then we just kind of smushed it into a thing.
Mark: Well, you made a camel. You've never heard that saying? The camel was actually a horse designed by a committee. And what you guys have here is one ugly camel. Featuring Bill Paxton.
Donna: Greg Kinnear.
Mark: Right. Greg Kinnear.
Donna: Oh! Is Bill Paxton from Indiana?

Mark: So my face is literally on fire, but it's this weird chemical, so no one can see the flames. I'm dancing around, freaking out. I end up having to dunk my face into a bucket of sand.
Justin: Unreal!
Leslie Knope: Unreal!
Justin: Oh, my God, that is unbelievable.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that's... Isn't it, Ann? Unbelievable.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Didn't happen to me. It was a kid I knew from camp. But a great story's a great story. Well, plus, the kid can't tell it, his mouth melted.

Tom: Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!
Mark: It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
Tom: Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. Just some odds and ends. You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?
Mark: I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so, yes. I'll help you.
Tom: My boy!
[aside to camera:]
Mark: I [bleep] hate having a pickup truck.