Chris: [aside to camera while cycling] This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Ben: Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. This is incredible.
Chris: Mmm! This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.
Ben: Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. Chris, one cup won't kill you.
Chris: No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once. Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
Ben: Yeah, Chris, everybody knows that.

Leslie Knope: Well, that was a truly depressing slate of candidates.
Chris: I think you've got several options. They're all terrible, but you have them.

Chris: I am so excited that you finally agreed to go out with me. What a magnificent flip-flop.
Ann: You're a magnificent asker-outer.
Chris: Tell me every single detail of your day.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I love dates. I love connecting with someone. I love engaging them. I love being surprised by them. I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great.

Chris: It's fantastic.
Andy: Yeah. I worked really hard. I did every pair that I could. I didn't know what to do with these. I think they're gloves.
Chris: No, no, no, no. Those are sports sandals. They're for adventure racing. They perfectly contour to the human foot, and the human foot is the ultimate technology.
Andy: Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

Chris: What did you wanna talk to me about?
Tom: Look, Chris, I'm very flattered you thought of me for this amazing opportunity, but I don't really know if this gig is in my wheelhouse. I tend to work best with young, attractive people.
Chris: Tom, I have made you a project leader. This is a big deal! You should keep an open mind. Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam.

Chris: Leslie, I loved your book. I read it cover to cover.
Leslie Knope: Wow. I just gave it to you an hour ago.
Chris: I'm a speed reader. I can read over 3,000 words a minute with total comprehension. One time, I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

Ben: Okay, everybody, latest poll is Newport, 40%, Leslie, 32%, with everyone else way back. Now this debate is our best chance to close that gap. Chris, Ann, and Tom, you guys will be talking to reporters, providing facts, general spin.
Chris & Ann: Spin team!
Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I can literally make anything sound positive.
Tom: Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market.
Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.

Leslie Knope: It's a censure from the mayor's office. It's so official. I mean, look at the paper quality.
Chris: This is no joke.
Leslie Knope: I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws. You're my boss. What's my move here?
Chris: Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
Leslie Knope: That's right. Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
Chris: I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I'm gonna have to start writing this up soon. Kinda sucks. I thought maybe we'd be done in time to grab a drink.
Chris: Oh!
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Have you been to Bistro d'Amour? It's really romantic. Yeah, it was just gonna be you and me, my sister, a few people from work, and my ex-boyfriend.
Chris: [laughs] That's really confusing. I have a request. Could you please make sure that my involvement in this stays off the record? I wouldn't want anyone thinking that you're biased because we're something.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: You don't have to worry about that. I'm gonna include a disclaimer describing the nature of our relationship.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow's paper to find out our status. Why did I have to fall for somebody from the old media?