Ann: I'm just helping with out-patient care. Gotta do what we can. Chris is donating blood four times a week.
Andy: Oh, good for you, man. [lock clattering] Who are you giving it to? Just kind of... whoever wants it? "Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?
Ann: I used to date that guy.
Chris: Oh, no! Andy. The CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy. My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye. They're like cherry Froot Loops! And my blood type is just positive.
Ann: They've designated him a super-healer. So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Tom: Hey, man, what'd the doc say? Everything okay?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. [Andy gasps] They found nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing. The silent killer.

Ron Swanson: I got a second box of donuts, if anybody... What the [bleep] is this?
Chris: This, Mr. Director, is your new desk.
Ron Swanson: Okay...
Chris: This desk is the epitome of the Swedish concept of Jamstalldhet, or "equality." Imagine someone needs your attention. Somebody say my name.
Jerry: Chris.
Chris: Swivel! What is it, Jerry?
Jerry: You told me to say your name.
Chris: And you did a great job, superstar. Someone else say something.
April: You look like a freak.
Chris: Swivel! April, that is not a very good attitude. I will keep my eye on you from my circular desk where I can see everything. Tiny swivel. See how it works?

Chris: [aside to camera] What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Andy: Champion! Hey, bud. I missed you. Thank you so much. I hope he wasn't a handful.
Chris: Not in the slightest. As the Germans would say, "er ist ein wunder hund." He is a wonder dog.
Andy: Oh. The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German... words relating to dogs.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: April and Andy went away for the night, and I looked after Champion here. He's a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific. [Boston accent] Ich bin ein three-legged dog.

Chris: Hey, Ann.
Ann: What happened? I just saw you a few hours ago, and you were fine. Not like, "Damn, you're fine," but fine health-wise.
Chris: My body has no fat to protect itself from disease. Things happen very quickly. Listen to me. It's very important that you replenish my body with electrolytes after every involuntary loss of bodily fluids.
Ann: Oh, boy.
Chris: My body tends to lose a lot of fluids when it's sick. My brain is on fire. I'm dying.
Ann: Mm. Well, you definitely have the flu.
Chris: Oh, my God. The microchip has been compromised.

Chris: Leslie Knope! Good morning! It is snowing outside. Isn't that great?
Leslie Knope: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Chris: Actually, I'm quite miserable. I admire and respect you, and dragging you through an ethics trial is filling me with sadness. I have never felt so low.
Leslie Knope: Well, you're radiating pure joy.
Chris: I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: This is stressful. And stress leads to depression. And if I don't maintain an extremely high dosages of herbal remedies, I will get very depressed. Oh, God. It's happening right now.

Ann: I mean, this is all pretty overwhelming, you know?
Chris: You know what I just read? Right now, our baby is the size of a green olive. Isn't that wild?
Ann: It is.
Chris: A green olive. A little high in sodium. I would have preferred a chickpea or a cherry tomato.
Ann: Our baby's not a salad.
Chris: Yes, right.

Tom: Traegermeister! You made it.
Chris: Yeah, I got your email. We need to talk.
Tom: First off, though, try a little Snakejuice. It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry. There's plenty caffeine in it to keep you awake.
Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Dr. Harris: Well, the good news is this is just tendonitis.
Chris: How is that good news?
Dr. Harris: The other option was shoulder cancer.
Chris: Really?
Dr. Harris: No. Look, you exercise a lot. You're in great shape. Little things like this happen with men of your age.
Chris: Men of my age? How old do you think I am?
Dr. Harris: Forty-two.
Chris: [scoffs] I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Chris: So. What's the cure?
Dr. Harris: Get a time machine. Go back to being 20.
Chris: Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.