Ann: All right, so you have everything you need for orientation?
April: Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster. I'm all set.
Ann: Great.
Ann: Hi. My friend here is enrolling in the vet school next month, and she would like to be shown around.
Laura: Totally, happy to. I'm Laura.
April: I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.
Ann: So you go with Laura, who seems really nice and does not deserve to be tortured. And I will come meet up with you after I finish at the baby store.
April: Sure you wanna leave me here with her? What if I'm a murderer?
Ann: [laughs] Oh, that's funny.

April: Hello again. As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother.
Ann: Yes, that's who I am. Anyway, we'd love to hear about Bloomington. It seems like a real hip kind of college town.
April: Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore. Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.
Laura: I would be happy to show you guys around the campus. Is there anything in particular that you wanna see?
April: How are your local graveyards? [whispers] I have some planning to do.

Ann: Can we please talk about what happened back there?
April: What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs. It's not that big of a deal.
Ann: Listen, I know you don't believe this, but I care about your future. And I'm just a little disappointed that you're just not following through with this.
April: Yeah, it's not about following through, okay? I was on the fence about whether I wanted to do it. And as soon as I got there, I just had a gut feeling that it wasn't right for me, that's all.
Ann: So, just like that, boom--huge life decision made?
April: That's how I make all my life decisions. My gut is always right, okay? It was right about marrying Andy, and it was right when it told me that you would be the worst person I would ever meet in my life. And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann. [chuckles] So gross!

April: I'll buy it.
Tom: You can't afford that house. Can you afford that house?
Ron Swanson: What would you use it for?
April: I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders. And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them. Here's my offer. I will give you everything in my purse. $8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.
Jerry: Thank God. I've been looking for that.
April: Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now. You have no legal claim to it.
Jerry: Sorry, I had no idea.

April: [aside to camera] Andy got back from London two days ago and he still has jet lag. It's really annoying. We're on totally different schedules. Last night he mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning.
[flashback:]
April: Andy! Andy!
Andy: Get me a beer?
April: All right.
[back:]
April: As soon as I wake up, he goes down. Hard. This has to stop! Babe, wake up. That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca. Babe! Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Andy: Hey. Oh, man, I fell asleep again.
April: Andy, you have got to stay up and get on a regular schedule.
Andy: Were you about to spray me with the hose inside the house?
April: Yeah.
Andy: I kinda want you to do it now.

April: No cell phone usage on City Hall property? That's not fair, my cell phone is how I avoid doing work.

April: Is this land mine still functional?
Ron Swanson: Partially. Why?
April: Because I want to blow up Donna's desk so I can teach her a lesson about what happens when you skip work.
Ron Swanson: I'm not sure that's how you should go about this.
April: I'm kind of her boss, now, but I still feel weird disciplining her. What do I do?
Ron Swanson: Look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what you need from her. Be mature, direct, and firm.
[cut to:]
Donna: What? Some fool just slammed me on Yelp.
[aside to camera:]
April: I took Ron's advice. I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about Donna online.

April: Donna, Kyle did not write those things, okay? I did.
Donna: [gasps] I know.
April: You do?
Donna: I checked what else that user had written. It was a review of a funeral home that said "Great first date spot." I dragged Kyle in here to see if you would come clean.
April: Well, you overestimated how much I care what happens to Kyle. Or anyone, really. But... I'm sorry that I didn't just talk to you.
Donna: And I'm sorry I bailed on work. And I'm sorry I toyed with you instead of coming at you straight. From now on, we say what we feel. Cool?
April: Cool. Your lipstick looks weird.
Donna: You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.
April: Good talk.

Tom: Before we go, I got you guys a little something for helping me out.
Donna: Oh! Love it!
April: A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks.
Jerry: [hits head] Ow! Oh, my gosh!
April: I didn't even do anything. The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.

April: You know in the movies, when the cops show up and find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body? This is that wine.