Ben: Okay, hold on. Do you remember what Joan said at the ceremony?
April: That is doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you?
Ben: Yes, she did say that, but no. She knew she wanted to be on TV when she was ten. So what did you want to be when you were ten?
[cut to Ben and April at an funeral director's:]
April: It says here the future of caskets may just be biodegradable plastic.
Ben: Oh, you don't say. Hey, are you chilly? I'm a little chilly, I think.
April: No.

Dan: Hopefully we get a body in today, so I can show you guys the really fun part: Draining.
April: Oh, God. I hate this so much. Cool. Can I touch a dead body?
Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, eager beaver. That doesn't happen for at least a year.
April: Why? How did you become a mortician? Can't I just sign up?
Dan: Oh, gosh, no. You need two years of school and a year-long apprenticeship. First few years are mostly paperwork and filing.
April: Ugh! Why is every job just paperwork?
Dan: Hey, it's a living. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, I think we're just gonna go, Dan. Um, the reality of your life is incredibly depressing. I'm just gonna stay at my current job until I get old and die and then end up here being embalmed by some weirdo who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open. Let's go.
Ben: Oh, thank God.
Dan: Okay. Have a good one.

Ben: Sorry, Ron, doors are locked. We've taken your key cards and your phones, and the automatic timer won't go off until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. You're trapped in there.
Tom: We told security not to disturb you under any circumstances. And the phones and internet? Oh, they've been disconnected.
April: And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.
Andy: [laughs] That's not- What? Is that true?

April: I'm not gonna show up in that picture anyway because I'm a vampire.

Derek: Valentine's bash at The Bulge tonight. We can get you a drink bracelet.
April: I can't. I've gotta work at the Senior Center Valentine's Day Dance thing.
Ben: That sounds amazing. Can we come?
April: I guess. I don't know why you would want to.
Derek: Because old people are funny.
Ben: Yeah, it'll be like The Golden Girls.

[aside to camera:]
Andy: We are throwing a Halloween party at our house. It's gonna be the greatest thing ever.
April: Someone will die.
Andy: Of fun!
April: And of murder.
Andy: And there's gonna be beer, pumpkins...
April: Bloody goblins.
Andy: Fake ones. It's gonna be awesome. We have decorations...
April: Dead people that we just murdered.
Andy: Not... murdered. But pictures of dead people from TV or movies.
April: Mutilated bodies.
Andy: B-but fake ones. Candy, dancing, Tequila. All kinds of food and snacks.
April: Blood orphans.
Andy: No blood orphans. I...I don't know what that is.

April: Hey, Ann, Ann called. She wants her ugly outfit back.
Ann: Why are you dressed as a pilgrim?
April: Leslie said it was a "Come As You Were in the '90s" party. I assumed it was the 1690s.
Andy: Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies.
Ann: What do you think mummies are?
Andy: Skeletons?
Ann: Oh, boy.

Ann: Okay, so, the rally's going to be held tomorrow at the Pawnee Sports Building. April, you finalized a rental, right?
April: [as dog] Shut up, Ann. I told you never to talk to me. [gasps] That was Champion. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Bad dog! Yes, everything's fine with the rental.

April: Yeah, we're not even close to being ready. They're not even done painting that sign. It says, "Tom's Bi." Actually, no, that's good. We're ready.

Tom: Mitch is right. The amount of buzz we get from opening next weekend is too big to pass up. We can do it. "This little Italian restaurant will put McDonald's out of business" on three. One, two, three.
April: Dark Lord rise...
Craig: I don't know...
Tom: This little Italian restaurant will be bigger than McDonald's!
April: In hell fire.