Tom: Whoa! Check out the new digs. This place is insane.
Ben: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm super swamped, and I need your help.
April: Pass.
Ben: You came down here to pass on helping me?
April: Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

April: I wish we had $46 million. We could buy my parents' house and evict them.

Leslie Knope: April, I got a present for you.
April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
Leslie Knope: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
April: Really? Thanks.

Leslie Knope: April, I have a gift for you. Ta da.
Chris: At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing.
April: How did you make this plaque so quickly?
Leslie Knope: I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.
April: Can I hire an intern?
Leslie Knope: Not yet.
April: Can I hire a Mexican elf?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Can I buy a child bride?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Then how is this even a promotion?

Leslie Knope: Hey, April. I'll be gone for the next 19 1/2 hours, so can you water my plants in my office?
April: We are all out of water, actually. I'll have to use boiling hot milk.
Leslie Knope: Are you really gonna do that?
April: Yes.

Andy: I'm done with that band. I mean, I'm an adult now, you know? I work two part-time jobs. Hello. I don't need the stress of playing guitar with my friends every few weeks.
April: Yeah, plus look how bad they are without you. Burly's terrible.
Andy: He actually has a really beautiful voice for a backup singer.
April: Right, that's what I meant.
[aside to camera:]
April: I love Andy, but to be perfectly honest, Mouse Rat's music is not my thing. I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.

Tom: April, what do you think?
April: I thought about this a lot. I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
Tom: No, with the store.
April: Oh. Uh, burn it for the insurance money.

Andy: [laughing] My wife is pregnant!
April: Okay, put me down.
Andy: Hey, you can't keep it from me. I found the pregnancy test, honey.
April: Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
Andy: Wait, are you sure you're not?
April: Yeah. We've talked about this. Remember? I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.
Andy: Oh, yeah. Of course.
April: Actually, there is something I need to tell you.
Andy: [gasps] You're pregnant.
April: No.
Andy: No! We just ruled that out.

Leslie Knope: "So I long for a day when women in government will simply be seen as people in government, but until then, I will work to make Pawnee, my wonderful hometown, as good as it can be." What do you think?
April: I think you should lose the first line and the last line and all of the other lines, and instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.

April: Okay, well, before you go, I have something for you. I feel like you're getting sad about how stupid and lame people are, and that is my job, not yours. So I'm gonna read this letter to you, out loud, but if you hug me afterwards, I swear to God, I'll scream and pull my hair out and maybe punch you in the face. Okay?
Leslie Knope: Okay.
April: Please sit. [clears throat] "Dear award committee members..."
Leslie Knope: [sobbing]
April: Leslie, I didn't even start.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
April: "Dear award committee members, where I live, there are a lot of apathetic people, people who don't care at all about what they do or how they do it. They let the world wash over them and barely notice anyone else is even there. Leslie Knope is not one of these people. She cares about everything and everyone in our town. I don't know how she does it. People come to her with the pettiest, stupidest problems, and she cares-- like, really, actually cares-- what happens to them. And if you're lucky enough to be her friend, your life gets better every day. She spends every waking moment thinking of new ways to make her friends happy. There is something wonderful about seeing someone who has found her true purpose on earth. For some people, I guess that's being an astronaut or a hot dog-eating champion. For Leslie, her true purpose on earth, her true meaning, is making people's lives better. That's what I love about her, and that's why she deserves this award. Sincerely... Satan."
Leslie Knope: You're getting hugged right now.
April: No, I told you not to.
Leslie Knope: I'm giving you a hug.
April: No! Stay away! No!