Jess: There are two ways this can go. Number one: you tell us why you ruined the dance. Number two: I bash your skull in with a carburetor!
Cece: I thought I was bad cop.
Jess: You are the bad cop. I'm the tough, competent cop, who's good at her job, you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop who's nice and...
Cece: Yeah, that's not how it works, though. I mean, the good cop is nice and the bad cop is mean.
Jess: That would be nice cop, mean cop.
Cece: That's how it works on every cop show, when you watch it.
Jess: I watch cop shows.
Cece: You need to pay more attention.
Jess: I do pay attention.

Jess: All five of us out there together, in the wild, getting some strange, like a sex fist.
Coach: I'm sorry, what?
Nick: Mm, that's not what you mean.
Schmidt: What's a sex fist, now?
Jess: One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
Nick: You're making a mistake right now.
Jess: Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess... sex fist. When you put them all together...
Nick: No, that's not right.
Jess: ...tearing our way through the reception.
Nick: Slow down.
Coach: Are you listening to what you're saying?
Jess: Isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness.
Coach: It could just be a fist.
Jess: All five of us sex-fisting our way...

Jess: Cece just texted me a smiley face.
Schmidt: Is that bad?
Jess: No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. I'm gonna text her [chuckles] a yellow heart. No, uh, yellow heart, whale, thumbs up.
Schmidt: Well, that seems nice.
Jess: [gasps] How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building?
Schmidt: What does that mean?
Jess: Fine! Poop. Turban guy. Granny.
Schmidt: Don't text her poop.
Jess: [gasps] Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. Slice of cake. Turtle.
Schmidt: Don't sen...
Jess: Oh. [gasps] Double syringe? Double syringe. You're right, Schmidt. Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. The gatherers have become the hunters. Be well.
Schmidt: Wh-Where are you... Where are going? L-Leave those berries be.

Jess: [on the phone] Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the Internet? Yeah, I can hold.

Jess: Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
Nick: Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't.. It was me having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Nick: So, I saw your butt earlier. It's been holding up nicely.
Jess: It does the trick.
Nick: And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.
Jess: Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing. I kind of came onto him, and he told me he wanted more than just sex.
Nick: He wanted more than sex and that's a bad thing? How?
Jess: Well, look, I'm his boss. We could get sued, and I could get fired. There's a reason it's against the rules.
Nick: You gotta br... okay. Remember when we tried to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Jess: Okay, I stick by that-- that kid is not a hero. All he does is break rules. What's so great about that?
Nick: You're taking Rooney's side. No one takes Rooney's side.
Jess: I'm a vice principal-- Rooney is my people. Ferris hijacks a parade. That is an act of terror.

Julia: Well, I guess we're never going to know if the bird defense works. Such a bummer, too. We have this pool at my office.
Jess: Okay. Hey! I got something to say to you, man.
Julia: What?
Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.
Julia: Okay.
Jess: And I know you like Nick, and I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.
Julia: Are you done?
Jess: I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch. [walks off]
Julia: That's the wrong way. [Jess turns back]

Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...
Cece: Is this a sewing kit?
Jess: Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [sings] Hello?
Cece: You don't have one-night stands, you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
Cece: Is this Schmidt's idea?
Jess: It's my idea. I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... is all about what Little Jess wants. Little Jess.
Cece: Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar, because I'm not leaving you alone like this... with all of that.
Jess: [spraying perfume towards her crotch] I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight.

Jess: How many... ears does Daniel Boone have? He's got a... a right ear, a left ear and a... front ear. "Frontier." Get it? [both chuckle]
Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral.
Jess: What?
Nick: For sure. 100%.
Jess: What? Why?
Nick: Because of that joke.

Jess: [on the phone] Okay, I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power."
Nick: Bad finish.
Schmidt: What is that? Are you driving a lawn mower?
Jess: No, I just... It's my car.