TV Quotes

Coach: Run! Do not stop running or I will eat your faces and bodies! Keep running or I will murder your family! [quietly] I love this job. [loudly] You're pissing me off! This one. This one. I got my eye on you.

Coach: So you're competing with her?
Jess: I can take her down, because I have something she doesn't have: You guys. Now, strategies. What about you, Coach? You hook up at weddings all the time. What's your strategy?
Coach: It's called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.
Jess: I could give that a try.

Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.

Coach: And that... is how babies get made. It's gross, right?
Grace: How does the sperm find the egg?
Coach: Propelled by its tail, the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg. Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away. Miles and miles and miles away. [sighs] It's almost like... why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm? You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm have a great time together? And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York? To play music with some other sperm. You're just-just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm and go play music with other sperms?! [high-pitched] And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that! You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck! This sperm got swag. All those other sperms ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm sport this much green and still look dope? No! That ain't tight! This is tight! This is tight! [crying] I just want you to come back, and I... [sniffles]
Jess: I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health.
Coach: [o.s., crying] I miss her! May!

Winston: Coach, is that a bigger bag?
Coach: My old bag broke, so I got a wheelie. Same system. Still only essentials.
Winston: Is there a pan in there?
Coach: Nah. Nah, that's not a pan. That was just, uh, the sound of two track pants hitting together. You know, the buttons be like... ting... ti... But, um... Yeah, since I got this new suitcase, I might as well take a few more things. Just to fill up space. Know what I mean?
Winston: Just to fill up space.
Coach: Like, uh... take these glass grapes. Just to fill up space. Not that I want them.
Winston: Of course not.
Coach: And this blanket. For cushioning. [moans]
Winston: That smells nice, huh?
Coach: For cushioning, dude. These mystery novels. Take these. Not 'cause they're Jess's, just because... I'm an avid reader now. Stop smiling at me, man. I'm taking Nick's workout jams. 'Cause, uh... that one time I trained him, saw a lot of results.
Winston: [voice breaking] I remember. He was so fat.
Coach: [voice breaking] And I'm taking this remote. Because you always hit the info button by mistake.
Winston: No, no, it's not by mistake, Coach. I like to know more about the cast and crew.
Coach: Remote's gonna miss this TV so much.
Winston: Our TV is gonna miss that remote.
Coach: [sobs] Smells like all our fingers. [both sobbing]

Coach: Watch and learn, player. If you're a girl and you're in a bar on Valentine's Day, you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February. I'm interested in casual sex."

Jess: Even though you don't work at Coolidge anymore, you'll still be Coach Coach to those kids.
Coach: It's Coach Coach.
Jess: Yeah, Coach Coach.
Coach: Coach Coach.
Jess: Coach Coa-
Coach: Coach Coach.
Jess: I'm sorry.

Jess: Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always?
Coach: You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them.
[flashback:]
Jess: They're pornographers, but they're also a family.
Coach: 155:30 official running time, my round ass!

Coach: Cece, darling.
Cece: Hmm? What?
Coach: How long have we been friends?
Cece: A week or so?
Coach: And have I ever steered you wrong?
Cece: Well, no.
Coach: Exactly. Because I know you better than anyone, girl. And you're acting like a lunatic. I mean, the kind of lunatic other lunatics look at and go, "Oh, my God, that bitch a lunatic." So I'm gonna need you to figure out why you're really doing all this for Schmidt and then sort it out.
Cece: You did not just say that to me. [snaps fingers]
Coach: Think about it, girl. Shoot.
Cece: Just to be clear, I did not ask you to act like this, okay?
Coach: It's just kind of fun to do.
Cece: Slow down, girl.
Coach: You gonna eat that scone? Damn it.
Cece: Slow down.
Coach: [manly] Are you- Are you gonna have this scone?

Schmidt: You guys are getting back together?
Nick: We're not getting back together.
Schmidt: You're confusing everybody!
Nick: No, it was the grand romance package.
Jess: My God! They were, like, folding these towels. It was so sexy. You try folding towels like that and see if you don't get turned on.
Coach: Yeah, because they fold the towels like vaginas.
Winston: They're swans, dude.