Gloria: Now, say goodbye to the house. Tell it how much it meant to you. Be honest with each other, like two lovers that know that the time has come when they must part ways.
Mitchell: Okay, well, usually, I would just take my gym membership off his keychain and then introduce him to my mother.

Mitchell: Huh. Flood warnings this time. Oh, and a swarm of locusts has been spotted in the flight path. What part of the Old Testament are we moving to?

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, you take the fall for me, and I will go with you to Missouri. I'll even go for a whole week.
Cameron: Make it ten days.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. But I don't want to meet anything on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.
Cameron: Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Cameron: Hello.
Simon: Oh, hello! Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout jerky? - No.
Andrew: It's selling like hotcakes. Actually, better. See the vegan hotcakes stand? Next to the bespoke honey stall.
Mitchell: We should be careful. This market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

Mitchell: Okay, you know? Y- Y- Yes! You're fired! Okay? You're an incompetent man-diva. The only thing you've ever built is a closet, i.e. a box of air. So get out, and don't let the door hit you on your ample behind.
Jay: Nicely done. Maybe an unnecessary shot at closets, particularly from someone who was in one for 22 years, but...

[As Mitchell churns butter:]
Claire: This reminds me of the time I walked in on you watching "Top Gun".
Mitchell: You need to stop telling that story.

Mitchell: Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Cameron: Like what?
Mitchell: Uh, the centerpieces?
Cameron: Why even have a wedding?
Mitchell: I don't know, Cam. Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together?
Cameron: Maybe we could send un-vitations. Is that a thing?
Mitchell: We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married. Let's not alienate the ones on our side.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, my interest in football ended as suddenly and dramatically as the climax of "West Side Story." I'm a musical-theater fan.
Cameron: Surprise!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My dad has this perception that I was very flamboyant as a kid, which is just- It's nonsense, because I kept the whole gay thing very under wraps. You know, I was just a guy's guy. I-I was basically a jock. You know?

Mitchell: Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it. Kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal.