Mitchell: [aside to camera] El Conquistador Especial. My dad's brand. That doesn't explain the lipstick, though. No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick. He says it's a gateway balm.

Mitchell: So, um, listen. We... We actually do know each other. Uh... Mitchell Pritchett. Summer of '89? I let you have my Nintendo Game Boy?
Scotty: Mitchy Pritchy! Of course! You were mad about that Game Boy 'cause your dad got you that instead of, like, some Cher album.
Mitchell: "If I Could Turn Back Time." Which brings me to why I'm here.

Mitchell: I can't believe it's almost gone.
Cameron: Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
Mitchell: I know. It's been a rough year.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I tried to relax in there, I really did. But it was difficult. I-I guess because I felt like I was, um... Oh, what's the word? Dying. But I got past that, only to start reliving every mistake I have ever made, like when I went to an Oscar party and I said "Bett" Davis in front of a room full of vicious gays. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that Cam was right next door.

Cameron: You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit that straight couples have strengths that we don't, you know? And maybe moms know more about girls than we do.
Mitchell: Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out?
Cameron: Yeah, but to who? Claire's an over-sharer. Gloria is her body even human? Haley knows less than Lily. So who do we go to? Alex?
Mitchell: I guess. I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.
Cameron: But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time...
Mitchell: When she did something a little terrible.
Cameron: But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm. Which is a good thing because he's not really a a house baby.
Mitchell: No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.
Cameron: On the charts. 99th percentile.
Mitchell: He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.

Cameron: Wow. This place has changed. It used to be so much... gayer.
Mitchell: Straight people always take our best stuff. First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing.

Mitchell: Oh, look, sweetie. It says that this Missouri town has a lively art scene.
Lily: It says "ark scene." They're preparing for the Lord's next flood?
Mitchell: Oh. Fun.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was easy to fit in. All I had to do was look good and have a lot of attitude. Paris was just like one big gay bar.

Mitchell: I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head. Uh, the... the way a baby smells is on both.
Cameron: Okay, alright. Pros, go.
Mitchell: Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling. [Cameron chuckles] You know, a bigger family, an extra vote on whether to pull the plug on us when we get old. I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Cameron: Yeah, and another child would help us figure out how much of Lily's personality is our fault and what's on her.
Mitchell: It would be nice to be vindicated.