[asides to camera, separately:]
Phil: Claire and Jay are incredibly competitive.
Gloria: Tennis games, card games, everything. Who knows why?
Mitchell: Claire is the son that my dad never had. I mean, he just wanted someone to throw a ball in the backyard. I did once, but he did not attend.

Cameron: It's perfect! It's our chance to have a baby that's part me, part you!
Mitchell: No, no! It's part you and part Claire. I'm nowhere in there. And it's not like I can pretend. It's- She's not some egg donor that we don't know. It's Claire. You know, we see her all the time. And what are we supposed to tell the baby? "Say hi to your Aunt Mommy!"
Cameron: Adorable.
Mitchell: No, not adorable. Appalachian.

Cameron: Okay, I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell. It's the first one of our things that she's outgrown.
Mitchell: Well, you know, but isn't it great that we've raised her to have opinions and interests of her own?
Cameron: But this early? She's still so daggum young.
Mitchell: Okay, is that another Southern thing, or are you just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?

Mitchell: This is not at all how I saw the evening going.
Cameron: Oh. Honey, you have no idea.
Mitchell: Do you remember our first apartment?
Cameron: Yes. What- What made you think of that?
Mitchell: I don't know. The stars. All right. Come on. Let's do this.
Cameron: Yeah.
[Mitchell and Cameron both get down on one knee to tend to the tire]
Both: Yes.

Mitchell: All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Lily: Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Mitchell: Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] To be perfectly honest, I-I really needed Cam to stay. The minute he goes, I'm the dumb one. I-I took an art history class once, but that was just to look at naked Italian dudes, so...

Jay: Well, at least you finally realized this is not some silly rivalry. Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag my deal across it.
Mitchell: Okay, I have to say, the scotch is starting to wear off and I'm having second thoughts about this plan, Dad.
Jay: What's there to think about? You take a picture of me dragging my deal across the cigars, we give him enough time to smoke them, and we send the photo to Earl.
Mitchell: First of all, Earl will then have a picture of you with your pants down, and I'll have that same picture in my brain for the rest of my life.
Jay: Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing another man's deal? The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!
Mitchell: You're right. I'm overthinking it. Whip it out.
Earl Chambers: Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!
Mitchell: Okay, does everybody call it a deal? How have I never heard of this?

Mitchell: Oh, no. Is this one of those video wills where you make us compete in a scavenger hunt for your inheritance?
Jay: No. It's the video for my Titan Award. I told you about it. I'm trying to project strength and confidence.
Mitchell: Maybe you should lose the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug on the mantel.
Jay: Good catch.
Mitchell: I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Pepper's parties are as fun as they are confusing. Okay, stay with me on this one. Gender Blender Broadway Brunch. You dress as a Broadway character of the opposite sex, and there's no solid food. It's a perfect party if you're a show queen with a broken jaw.

Claire: Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?
Mitchell: Well, Cam spent $100 on the psychic hotline, but that's normal during the run-up to award's season.