Luke: Are you getting this?
Manny: I'm getting the shot. I'm just not getting what you're trying to do.
Luke: We're in Australia, it's on the bottom of the globe, so everyone here but me is upside-down. It's geography.
Jay: It's a good time to tell you I dropped Luke on his head when he was 1.

Phil: No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!
Luke: Are you, dad? Are you?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The kid made me think with that one. Who was I really doing this for?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Sometimes I just say, "Are you, dad? Are you?" because he gets real quiet and doesn't notice when I walk away.

Luke: Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil: What's up?
Luke: The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast?
Luke: I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

Haley: Please. It's really important.
Luke: Look, I'd love to help you out, but I'm not very liquid right now.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: It's in a block of ice. I got the idea when I heard about rich guys with frozen assets. [chuckles] Assets.

Luke: [aside to camera] I accidentally called my teacher "mommy." My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone. "Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember that class field trip to the zoo when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants?" I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home when he had to sit next to mom-- Ms. Bockman! Damn it!

Luke: All right. How about this? If you vote for Claire Dunphy, you won't have to pay taxes for the rest of your life.
Alex: Vote for Claire! [hanging up] Luke! What are you doing? You can't say that!
Luke: Oh, like she'd be the first politician to make a promise she can't keep.

Claire: I've read the same chapter eight times, still don't get it.
Luke: Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society." You'll get your "C" and get out of there.

Luke: [wearing noise-cancelling headphones] Wah! Wah! No one can hear me now. Whoo! Everybody is stupid except me. Ha, ha, ha. I am funny.

Phil: There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke: I made fun of his accent.
Gloria: [heavily accented] What accent?
Manny: I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria: What?
Manny: He said you were a coal digger.
Phil: Okay, I think we can move on!

Alex: What am I doing? I think I left my backpack in the driveway.
Haley: Stop kicking me!
Luke: You're kicking me! [door closes]
Haley: I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.
Luke: It's okay. A cookie might help. Here's that napkin you wanted.
Alex: [door opens] I got the mail!
Haley: Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?
Luke: Move!
Haley: You have room!
Luke: No, move out! You're 40!