Haley: You know, last year, Dylan and I went to Yosemite, and we woke up really early one morning, and it was just us and those gorgeous mountains, a bunch of huge trees, and a family of deer. It was so beautiful, and it made me feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself. [chuckles] You know what, maybe one day we can get them baptized in a church, but for now, why don't we take them up to Yosemite and look up and say thank you?
Jay: That sounds like a great plan, Haley.
Gloria: Yeah. And maybe roast some marshmallows while you're there so that they get used to being around fire.

Haley: [aside to camera] Mom and Dad have been incredible... letting me, Dylan, and the twins live with them, helping with midnight feedings, bedtime stories. Dylan loves it when my dad does the voices. So, I'm giving my mom a break from cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to do something special to thank them for being there for me. [voice breaking] I'm sorry. I've just, um... I've become such a beautiful person.

Claire: Are you still talking about that crazy movie?
Haley: Well, it messed them up! We took them to the park. Swing set... bored. Cute squirrels... snore. Then an old lady walking her poodle trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, and these two burst out laughing like two stoners in a tickle fight.
Claire: I'm sure you're both overreacting the way all new parents do.
Haley: No, Mom, we're screwing this up. At the very least, we need help, like... like an au pair or something. That's two nannies, right?
Dylan: Correct.

Haley: I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. You know, I read on a mommy blog that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... and deejaying.

Alex: I do cry less when I'm driven.
Haley: And that outfit is on point.
Alex: Well, I mean, it's... it's sort of a triumphant return for me. I spent four years there in sweats, with greasy hair, caring only about grades. The only time anyone ever noticed me was when I pulled out all my eyebrows during finals week. Now I have a big job, swanky apartment, shoes that cost more than my first laptop...
Haley: Oh, it's like a Rom-com... You left a nerd and returned a hot nerd.

Alex: Eh. Arvin doesn't see me that way. I mean, d-does he, do you think?
Haley: Yes! He gets all nervous and yammery when he's around you. How do you still not know you're a babe?
Alex: Well, I mean, you did call me a frumpy nerd for 20 years.
Haley: Well, I didn't stop because I got nicer.

Haley: Oh, hey! Did you tell them our news?
Alex: Uh, just mine.
Haley: Dylan and I are moving out, too.
Claire: Oh. Oh, but you don't have to!
Haley: Well, we want to. You guys are right. It's time for us to go. We did the math, and we realized we had a million dollars. [chuckles] Then we had Alex check the math, and turns out we don't, but we do have enough for a cute apartment.

Claire: Haley. I have been waiting for over an hour, and not a single person has left this party.
Haley: Oh, my God, this is the best sushi I've ever had. For the first time, I can taste the yellowtail from the sea and then the rice from the land, then back to the sea for the seaweed.
Claire: Looks like you did more than just seaweed.

Haley: [aside to camera] My fashion blog is blowing up. I started doing these live video chats, and now I have over 50,000 subscribers! Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better. I'm not a religious person but I just woke up.

Haley: Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything. Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand. The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.