David: Haley's coming along really well, Ms. Dunphy.
Claire: Good! The key is to take a lot of little breaks so you don't get frustrated and want to quit.
Haley: Got it.
Claire: I was talking to David.

Dede: Oh, what's going on here, you two?
Claire: You are- You're insane.
Robbie: Claire still wants me.
Claire: No. Don't.
Dede: Oh, I should've seen this coming.
Claire: Oh, really?
Dede: One minute she sees I'm happy, and she swoops in-
Claire: Didn't swoop! I didn't swoop! If anybody swooped, it was you!

Phil: Is he okay?
Claire: He's Mitchell. Look, I didn't even want to talk about it. We've had such a great thing going on here. I don't want to let that kind of negativity in the house. Alex!
Phil: Hey.
Claire: We didn't think you were coming back until next week.
Alex: I got a ride home early. This has been the worst summer ever!
Luke: [o.s.] Careful, you idiot!
Haley: [o.s.] You're an idiot!
Claire: Huh.

Claire: Where are Cam and Lily?
Mitchell: Uh, they're still at the farm. I got banished.
Claire: Sounds like you're ramping up to a story, but I got some stuff going on, so...
Mitchell: Okay. Good to be home. Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who called me a sissy, she died.
And I- I was alone with her when it happened, and the family thinks that I nudged it along.
Claire: [smiling] Cam's grandma died?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You still do that thing where you smile whenever you talk about death.
Claire: It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna pass.
Mitchell: You've been doing it since I was 10 years old and we buried my hamster in the backyard.
Claire: His name was Whiskers.

Phil: Haley crying about Dylan, Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big déjà vu.
Claire: No, déjà vu is when you imagine that you've seen something before. This is just vu!
Luke: In hindsight, I should have pulled my head out before I nailed the post back in.
Phil: Buddy.
Luke: Live and learn.
Claire: If only you ever did.

Claire: Don't you see what the universe is trying to tell us? We are never gonna reach the next chapter. Luke's not going to college. Haley's gonna grow old in the basement. Alex is just gonna keep coming back to taunt us and use up our tissues!
Phil: I don't think the universe cares that much about us.
Claire: Phil, we tried to run away, and I can still see our chimney from here. It's over. Oh, yeah. This is it. "Welcome... to our life!"

Phil: Sweetheart, I-I am as upset as you are, but since when did anything work out the way we planned? We didn't plan on having Haley. We didn't plan on having Alex. We did plan on having Luke, but we didn't plan on having Luke.
Claire: I'm having a tantrum. And I love our kids, I do. Most of the time, I do. It's just I had this... this picture of how our life would look right now. [sighs]
Phil: This is not that.
Claire: No.
Phil: Yeah. I get it.

Claire: You didn't sound so good on the phone. I called the hotel, and they said you checked in early. Honey, I know I like to complain about people coming to me to solve their problems, but don't you dare not come to me with yours.
Phil: By the way, if you don't want people to come to you to solve their problems all the time, maybe don't be so good at it.

Claire: [on the phone] Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, and they are both marked "L." And "L" is for "L" is for large. Hilarious. I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks. I am adorable.

Claire: I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening.
Phil: [Italian accent] Ohh, American lady! Why do you do this to me?
Claire: Don't make me practice my slap on you again.