Francis: Great. The Flagstaff Elks just canceled their convention here.
Piama: Who can blame them? That review was horrible.
Francis: Hey, Otto. How's it going? We going to get out of the robe today?
Otto: Innkeeper of the Year? Hmm. It is the lie of the century. [throws plaque in the fire]
Francis: Otto, what are you doing? You worked hard for that award.
Otto: What was that, Francis? I couldn't hear you over the crackle of my failure.

Otto: He is here! Everyone, act normal! Welcome to the Grotto.
Charles Cutler: Ah, the Grotto. Upon entering, one wonders which of the five senses is most brutally violated.
Otto: Did you have a nice drive up? [offers hand]
Charles Cutler: Sight and smell immediately burst into the lead as the obsequious innkeeper offers his sweaty slab of a hand like a bear taught to be friendly in hopes of a sugar cube.
Francis: Mr. Cutler, if you would just give us a chance...
Charles Cutler: And the pleading vultures immediately begin to circle. Their outlet mall attire creating such a vortex of misery that one loses the strength to even ask for a parking validation.
Piama: I'll take that for you, sir.
Charles Cutler: In a pathetic nod to diversity, they trot out the token native employee.
Francis: Uh, that's my wife.
Charles Cutler: Not content to merely ruin the vacations of a single generation, some of the employees decide to mate and breed. The mind reels, the thought of an endless stream of baboon-like hoteliers spewed out of the loins of the...
[cut to a bloody and bruised Charles Cutler laying on a stretcher:]
Francis: Otto, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. It was like someone else was punching him.
Otto: Yeah, it was me.
Piama: Here's some of his hair if you need to put it on ice or something.
Charles Cutler: One recalls fiercer butt-kickings meted out on a preschool playground. The wounds are superficial, the bruising patterns unpersuasive. And never before has one seen such a grotesque ceiling. And frankly, blue is not your...

Otto: Francis, I am in so much trouble.
Francis: What's wrong?
Otto: I just found out what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary. She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks, so she called a factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to handcraft a cuckoo clock with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour.
Francis: Wow. What'd you get her?
Otto: Some Dustbuster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.

Otto: You are terrible! You have completely wasted four entire days of waltz lessons. It makes me sick to look at you.
Francis: Otto, this isn't helping. Every time you punch yourself, we lose hours of valuable practice time. You just... you got to relax.
Otto: How can I relax when Gretchen is depending on me? You do not learn by relaxing. You learn by violently assaulting your problem until it surrenders its mysteries to you!
Francis: I just feel like you're psyching yourself out. Why don't you take five and clear your head?
Otto: You take five. I shall study the videotape of our previous lessons. I will correct the problems in my technique.
[video of Otto repeatedly injuring Francis as they dance together]
Otto: Mm-hmm, perhaps more weight on my left instep.

Gretchen: Francis, have you seen Otto?
Francis: What's the matter?
Gretchen: I don't like letting him out of my sight. He's been so accident-prone. In the past few days, he smashed up both our cars. He keeps falling down the stairs. This morning, he set his hair on fire with his reading glasses.
Otto: [enters] Gretchen, my love, I wonder if you can fetch the tweezers. I seem to have an ass-full of cactus.
Gretchen: Otto, it was just beginning to heal.
Otto: Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.

Francis: I don't need an assistant.
Otto: But the boy needs a job, and I've filled every other position here two times over. Oh, please? Francis, I'm sure you can find something for him to do.
Francis: Okay, I'll try.
Otto: Thank you, Francis. I know I have a problem hiring too many people, but I'm getting help. I am seeing three psychiatrists about it.

Otto: [o.s.] Everything is fine. Nothing in here but children enjoying themselves dancing and skipping like young lambs. Come again soon.
Francis: Otto, it's Francis. I have the DVDs. Let me in.
Otto: We have a slight problem. You know how I wanted everything to be special for the children. So I went to the store and I got those cookies and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade, I bought three cases.
Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it.
Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem.

Francis: Okay, Angela comes back tomorrow. So she can cover for Todd on the nature hike and, that way, Todd can help out in the kitchen which will free up Sonja to do the hayride.
Otto: That is such a good plan.
Francis: Angela's vacation is over, right?
Otto: I extended it. It rained her first two days. [kisses] Kiss your mint.

Otto: Whoo! Whoo! This floor is so cold. Get me under those warm blankets. Aah! Aah. Aah.
Francis: This is sort of weird. I haven't had a sleep-over since I was in the third grade. I was at Jeffery Feldman's house and his mom, uh- [Otto throws his underwear on the floor] Otto, what the hell are you doing?!
Otto: I know, I am a notorious blanket hog. [chuckles] Mmm. [rolls over]
Francis: [screams] Otto!
Otto: Ooh. Sorry. Popsicle toes. [laughs]

Francis: Gretchen is freaking out. The guests are leaving in droves. And Muffy wants her stall back. You have to stop this.
Otto: There is nothing to stop, because there's nothing wrong. Now go away.
Francis: Look, if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's pointless family conflict. And if Rutger is anything like me, you're going to have to make the first move. That means you're going to have to deal with your feelings.
Otto: I can't. [cries]
Francis: I know you can't. That's why I want you to do something for me.
Otto: Hmm?
Francis: Look at your wedding ring.
Otto: Hmm? [Francis puts a sock puppet on Otto's hand] Oh. Schlupi?
Francis: Yes, Schlupi. I think it's about time he weighed in on all this.
Otto: I guess I was a little disappointed when Rutger wouldn't come. And then when the letters came, it was so painful. I couldn't bear it. I love him so much, Francis. And I swore that I would never do that to my son, and now look! [crying] Rutger is such a wonderful boy. He's so sensitive. He's-he's so bright...
Francis: I'm going to get Schlupi a phone.