Reese: Wait a second. You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
Hal: [stammers] Well, son...
Reese: [laughs] I'm just screwing with you. Relax.

Malcolm: [to camera] I have my first college visit coming up. I get to stay overnight in a dorm, tour the campus and spend 18 hours pretending my family doesn't exist. I actually skipped all the way to school today. I probably should've stopped once I passed the football field, but who cares? My body may have been stuffed in a trash can, but my mind was taking a shower with a college chick.

Reese: Come on, there's tons of reasons to go out with a guy like me. To make your dad mad, or your boyfriend jealous. Maybe you just hate yourself, or have a sick curiosity. I don't know! I can't do all the work for you! [to Malcolm] I thought I at least I had a chance with the fat ride.
Malcolm: Did you actually call her that?
Reese: Hey, I didn't make her fat.

Reese: Who is that?
Malcolm: That's Christie. She's the new narc.
Reese: We have a new narc? What happened to Druggie Dougie?
Malcolm: He got served divorce papers in history class.
Reese: Aw, come on, she's so cute. She's a narc?
Christie: [to passersby] Hey, papers? Anyone got papers? Hey, papers? Anybody got papers?
Malcolm: Do you even know anyone who does drugs?
Reese: Why are you asking me? I don't have any friends. But sometimes, I do have brilliant ideas.
Malcolm: Where are you going?
Reese: Malcolm, I live in a world of what the hells. [walks over to Sophie and starts picking at the air] Ooh... Oh, man, I am so... Never mind.

Hal: I'm not going to buy you a piano. You've never even had lessons.
Dewey: I don't need lessons. I already know how to play. I'm great. Look. [pretends to play the table]
Hal: That's very cute, Dewey, but we can't afford a piano. Do you know how close my company is to going out of business? They're selling our office furniture and forcing us to have desk buddies.
Dewey: Dad, you don't know me very well, but you couldn't have missed the fact that I'm having a horrible childhood. Now there's a chance for you to make it suck a little less.
Hal: I said no. End of discussion. Now you're just going to have to find some other way to amuse yourself.
[Dewey takes the remote control and slips it down his shirt as he walks away]

Lois: I hope you weren't hunched over like that during your interview. And why didn't you tell him about your extracurricular activities?
Malcolm: How do you even know what I said? Did you have your ear pressed up against the door?
Lois: You should be a little less concerned about what I did and a little bit more concerned about your own performance. And next time, say "bless you" when he sneezes. These people are looking for any excuse not to like you.
Malcolm: All right, 230. You walked me to my dorm room, you chose my lunch, you tucked in my shirt in the middle of orientation. Now will you please just leave?
Lois: Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?
Malcolm: Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.
Lois: I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing with my underwear?!
Lois: You had it all crammed up there in the corner. Wrinkled clothes are the sign of a disorganized mind.

Leland: All right, kid, here's the deal, my name is Leland. More importantly, I'm the RA, which stands for Resident Advisor, which means I'm in charge of this floor. So you're going to have to keep the music down.
Malcolm: Is it really that loud?
Leland: Listen, guy, I can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare. Now turn the radio down.
Lois: Is there a problem here?
Leland: Who are you?
Lois: I'm his mother. I'm supervising these kids in this coed room which I cannot believe your school condones.
Leland: You know, ma'am, that's not what I'm here about. That radio is at least five dBs above the approved noise level. I'd hate to have to confiscate it or move on to more serious consequences.
Lois: You know what, Leland? I've been to college. I know exactly how much power and authority an RA has. Good night. [closes door]

Otto: [o.s.] Everything is fine. Nothing in here but children enjoying themselves dancing and skipping like young lambs. Come again soon.
Francis: Otto, it's Francis. I have the DVDs. Let me in.
Otto: We have a slight problem. You know how I wanted everything to be special for the children. So I went to the store and I got those cookies and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade, I bought three cases.
Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it.
Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem.

Leland: Well, it's a little early for Christmas carols, isn't it?
Lois: Leland, I think we got off on the wrong foot earlier. Obviously, this job is very important to you. Who knows where you could find another that commands respect and power. You know, it would be such a shame if somehow you got fired and had to go back home where your older brother and sister get all the attention that you deserve. Do you really want to risk that for a 75-cent candy bar?
Leland: You really have me pegged... Except for what you're forgetting is, the lower the stakes, the greater the thrill from the arbitrary exercise of power. If this were a one-cent candy bar, I'd be on the moon. I happen to be a control freak. If you get me fired, I'll just find some other job where I can be a control freak. Kinko's is looking for a night manager. Either way, I've already written negative-evaluation e-mails of these kids to the Office of Admissions. All I have to do is hit "Send." [teens run off]
Scott: She overloaded a wall socket, too!
Paula: We're just like the bulls in Pamplona.
Leland: Now, you. Any freshman Psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would, so now to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.
Malcolm: [to camera] I don't know who to root for.
Leland: The simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But, hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? Oh, that's right. There are no other mothers here. You just cost this floor their electricity privileges. [lights go out]