Craig: This better be good. There'll be hell to pay if Jellybean wakes up from her massage and doesn't see me on the table next to her. [gasps] Oh, my God! Is that a Nortair?
Malcolm: It's a Nortair 680b. It's, like, the first personal computer ever made. You have an interest in this type of stuff, don't you?
Craig: There aren't many of these left. I'll give you five bucks for it.
Malcolm: Yeah, right. I checked online. This is in mint condition. It's worth at least $1,300.
Craig: Deal. No take-backs, double black magic, tap it, bomb it, flush it down the toilet. You understand it's going to take me a couple days to get the money.
Malcolm: That's exactly what I want. I want you to buy it this Saturday at our garage sale. In front of everybody. With cash. You're going to react in horror when I tell you Reese was going to throw this in the trash. And then you're going to tell everyone they should have listened to me all along.
Craig: You know, right now you're sounding a lot like a James Bond villain.
Malcolm: Me? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. And right. And right! And on Saturday, everyone's going to know it.
Craig: Okay, but these revenge plans have a way of backfiring. Word to the wise, if you ever make someone an Ex-Lax milkshake, don't do it on an empty stomach.

Craig: I'm cooperating! I never met this man before. I hate the Constitution. I hate free speech. I'll snitch. I know things!

Hal: [on radio] There are so many things the government doesn't want you to know, and that's why they don't want Kid Charlemagne on this mic. Do I love my country? Yes. Do I vote? I used to, until they moved our polling place to the house with the big dog.
Lois: [o.s.] Hal! I said dinner!
Hal: [on tape] Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.

Hal: [on tape] In case you haven't noticed, "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive"!
Hal: Wow, it's like that guy is saying what we're all thinking.
Lois: Hal, will you turn that racket off?
Hal: Well, I guess I can't expect a suburban housewife to understand.

Hal: [on the radio] That stop sign is a declaration of war! It's for the fat cats up on top of the hill playing golf while us regular Joes are late for our second job, or church or dinner with our families. "Well, I'm sorry I missed Little Bobby's first steps, honey, but I had to come to a complete stop just because those robber barons can't look both ways!"

Hal: [on the radio] And then the stop sign army spring into action, all in support of the military industrial country club complex. But that's not where it ends. [feedback squeals] Ooh. Okay, pay attention to this. How many sides to a stop sign? Eight. That's just a little too close to the number of judges on the Supreme Court for this citizen. [feedback squeals] Hang on a second, America.

Hal: [on radio] ...because we believe in the Constitution! We don't think that the Constitution is an empty promise. We believe in the Bill of Rights, don't we?
Craig: Well, I never understood what the big deal was about quartering soldiers. I mean, as long as I don't have to change in front of them.
Hal: It's the spirit of free speech! It's the fundamental freedom that thousands of men have given their lives for!
Craig: Make a left here on Riverton.
Man: [over bullhorn] Attention, you are conducting a broadcast in direct violation of FCC Rule 27. Pull over.
Hal: I'm not going down without a fight! I'm the voice of the little man! The man on the girder. The man on the streets. The man that fights The Man!
Craig: Oh, my God! You're Kid Charlemagne.

Francis: [on the phone] You can't just sell all my old stuff. Everything in that garage represents a precious childhood memory.
Lois: It's a bunch of old magazines, a broken yo-yo and a Rubik's cube painted all one color.
Francis: Well, you try and solve that thing!
Lois: I'm not going to argue with you. You have ten seconds to come up with a good reason to keep all that junk, or I'm getting rid of it.
Francis: See, this is why you are a terrible mother. Because everything has to be a competition with you!
Lois: Oh, it does not.
Francis: I'm hanging up!
Lois: I'm hanging up first.
Francis: No, I'm hanging- [Lois hangs up] Damn it!

Hal: Oh, wow!
Dewey: What's that?
Hal: This is the transmitter from the pirate radio station I had in college! It was only a couple of watts, but I brought the truth to everyone within three blocks of the west side of campus. Until the FCC shut me down for telling it like it was. And for not having a license. See, the way it works...
Dewey: I was just trying to be polite. I didn't think you were going to punish me for it.
Hal: Hey, there, Sparky.
[flashback:]
Young Hal: So, half the campus is goose-stepping down to the bonfire to be brainwashed by the Stepford cheerleaders, the pied pipers of pep. They want us to forget why we came to this institution, but not Kid Charlemagne. I am here to seek knowledge.
Young Lois: [enters] Let's get going, Hal. And don't forget your head.
Young Hal: Righty-o.

Dewey: Malcolm, Malcolm, in school, we learned the coolest thing. There were these people who did this broadcast and convinced everyone that aliens were landing. So, what we do is we wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window, and we go to the TV, but we'll have made a tape...
Malcolm: Dewey, you're totally overthinking this. [shouts] Reese, aliens landed down the street!
[Reese runs out with a baseball bat and a helmet]
Reese: Every man for himself!
Dewey: Oh.