Hal: Boys, you see what I have? This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.
Reese: What if we want to watch it again?
Hal: I found it in the dishwasher. 21 days times $2.99 a day, that's...
Malcolm: $62.79.
Hal: What?! What is it going to take for you boys to learn some responsibility? You can't just go through life letting things slide? Sooner or later, you are going to learn that- [lights go out] Is it the tenth already?

Otto: Someone was out of bed bright and early this morning.
Francis: [chuckles] Yeah, Gretchen left me a note. Can't seem to find it anywhere. I think it may have been about your violent night terrors.
Otto: What are you talking about?
Francis: I don't speak terrified German, but you must have been having some pretty horrific dreams.
Otto: That's ridiculous. I never dream.
Francis: What?
Otto: I never dream. I go to sleep; eight hours later, I wake up with a slight sore throat just like everybody else.
Francis: You screamed for hours.
Otto: I think it was you that had the bad dream, but don't worry, I know just what to do. I will give you a nice, oily massage before bedtime, you will sleep like a baby.

Dewey: [on the phone] Yeah, Mom, he just finished digging that underground fort you wanted. I think you're going to have a lot of fun in it.
Hal: Give me that. [takes phone] Honey, don't say anything. Just listen. You were right. You're always right. From now on, I will do whatever you say, because I have been happier just mindlessly obeying you than doing what I think I want with any of my so-called friends. I love you. I miss you. Here's Dewey.
Dewey: [takes phone] Really, Mom? You want me to cut Reese's hair? But he loves his hair. Okay.
Reese: This is so unfair. [grabs scissors] Just get it over with.
Dewey: Mohawks are kind of out, Mom. What if I- [phone rings] Do you hear a strange ringing, Mom?
Reese: You are so dead! [Dewey screams]

Dewey: [sings] I'm a little teapot, short and- [Reese slingshots something at Dewey] Ow! Here is my handle Here is my- Ow! When I get all steamed up Hear me- Ow! Tip me over and Pour me- Ow! [phone rings]
Reese: Not it.
Dewey: [answers phone] Hello?
Man: [on phone] Hello. This is a recorded greeting from the Malgacore Financial-
Dewey: Hi, Mom. We're fine. [Reese drops the slingshot] Okay, I'll ask him. Mom wants to know if you swept the leaves off the garage.
Reese: I'm doing it now.

Reese: "Don't forget to sweep the leaves off my roof 'cause I'm a mean old lady. Who cares if it's wet and slippery? The roof has to be cleaned 'cause I'm stupid." [phone rings] Not it.
Dewey: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.
Reese: I wasn't talking about her.
Francis: [on the phone] What do you mean "Mom"? It's me, Francis. Did you page me?
Dewey: Yeah, Reese is right here. I'll tell him, Mom, but does he really have to stay up all night? Can't he fix my bike tomorrow? Well, you're right. Saturday morning is the best time for riding.
Francis: Okay. Now I get it. Just go easy on him. You're a lot smarter than he is. I've got to go.

Malcolm: You have to shoot. You have to do this.
Dabney: Mom was right. I could be home watching Dark Victory right now.
Malcolm: You have to fight back! Just pull the trigger!
Dabney: But there could be adverse consequences.
Malcolm: That is your mother talking! Just shoot it! If you want to be any kind of man, shoot it now.
[After Dabney shoots the paint gun up in the air, the pellet ricochets off the ceiling and hits a big kid]
Stevie: [gasps] Haul ass!
[Dabney starts firing directly at the big kid]
Dabney: Brush your own damn hair!
[Dabney knocks the big kid out with his helmet and proceeds to shoot at him as he lays on the ground]
Dabney: [vicious yell] [rapid popping] Get your own damn towel! [yells] Aaah! One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven...
Stevie: I call... Dabney's team.

Dorene Hooper: Where's my boy?! What have you done with my poor, delicate boy?!
[A sweaty Dabney walks out wearing a bandana across his head and a bandolier of paint pellets across his chest while holding his paintball gun]
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my God! [to Malcolm] This is your fault, you evil little Svengali! I knew I shouldn't let Dabney have any friends! Now, Dabney, where-
Dabney: Get the car. We're going home.
Dorene Hooper: Dabney, you've never spoken to me like this before.
Dabney: Well, get used to it. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mom. [puts glasses on] I'm your little man.
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my. Oh. Oh, Dabney. Oh!

Malcolm: [to camera] Mom's been at her sister's for a month, resting while she's pregnant. Things were kind of chaotic for a while, but we've settled into a pretty nice rhythm.
[Malcolm drinks straight out of the orange juice carton, then passes it to Reese who does the same before handing it to Dewey.]
Dewey: Can I use a glass?
Hal: No. Nothing that requires washing.

Bully: What are you doing on the pavement, huh? I told you to walk on the grass.
Dabney: There's another guy who doesn't let me walk on the grass.
Bully: Fine, you like the pavement so much, kiss it.
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my God Dabney! You come away from there! Did you make eye contact with that big boy? When you're in danger, you tuck and cower.
Dabney: I was cowering; he wouldn't let me tuck.

Francis: So Piama called. She and Gretchen got to Tucson okay.
Otto: Tucson the city that never sleeps. They think they're going to have so much fun but we will show them, eh? Just us guys.
Jorge: Where do you want your things, Otto?
Otto: Just put them in Francis' room.
Francis: What?
Jorge: Oh, and Gretchen left this for you.
Francis: Wh- Hold on. Why is he bringing your things to my room?
Otto: Because I'm staying with you this weekend. I have not slept alone in a bed for 35 years.
Francis: You're planning on sleeping in my bed? With me?
Otto: It would be presumptuous of me to ask a guest.