Francis: I have to admit, I was a doubter. But I guess we're pretty lucky to get a visit from an actual UFO.
Otto: Yeah, yeah, but look at me. I am still shaking from seeing that craft with my own two eyes. I tell you, they spoke to me telepathically.

Gretchen: Oh, Otto, this is such a wonderful party! Everything is just perfect.
Otto: Quiet, please! If everyone could stop their drunken reveling for a second. Gretchen, my love, my life, my bride of 25 years, I have finally learned to do something that you never thought I would be able to do.
Maestro, if you please? [music plays] May I have this waltz?
Gretchen: Otto... [they start to dance]
Otto: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Oh, oh! I don't understand this. I was doing this perfectly last night.
Gretchen: It's all right, Otto.
Otto: I worked so hard to try to prove my love for you. Oh... I have the same music, I have the same boots, I have the same... Aha! [holds out hand to Francis] Gretchen, prepare to be dazzled!
Francis: Aw, geez... Okay. [they dance]

Otto: Francis, I'm afraid I'm doing this on purpose.
Francis: What, hurting yourself?
Otto: I don't know. It doesn't seem like all of these things could be accidents. It's like there is some subconscious drive to punish myself for some unknown... [groans]
Francis: Otto, what does the name Manfred Schmidt mean to you?
Otto: I haven't thought about him for years. I'm... Oh, oh...
Francis: What?
Otto: Manfred Schmidt is Gretchen's fiancé. Well, he was, until I stole her.
Francis: You stole Gretchen?
Otto: He was my best friend, but I was in love with Gretchen, too. And on the day they were going to elope, I told Manfred that Gretchen had already gone and that she would meet him at the train station in Berlin.
Francis: Oh, Otto.
Otto: Poor Gretchen stood in the rain for hours, devastated. And then I came along and I comforted her, and, uh, one thing led to another thing, and, uh... Well, here we are, 25 years of perfect love... built on a lie.
Francis: Otto, this is obviously tearing you up inside. Why don't you just call this guy and apologize before you really end up hurting yourself?
Otto: Francis, I don't think I have the courage. Besides, now that I know what is behind it, maybe the problem will go away. [drinks from cup]
Francis: Those are thumb tacks.

Otto: Francis, I've done something wonderful for the hotel. I hired an acting group to stage a murder-mystery weekend.
Francis: Oh, dear God.
Otto: The best part is, the actors will be checking in as regular guests. They could be among us right now and we would never know it.
Philip: [clears throat] Attention, please! A room for Sir Reginald Drake and his vengeful, alcoholic wife, Evelyn.

Francis: Otto, you have to stop this. It's ruining everyone's time.
Otto: Francis, try to be more understanding. They may be a little under-rehearsed, but they're working with us. They were completely open to cutting the musical numbers.

Francis: I can't believe you didn't fire them.
Otto: I remember him from Dairy Queen. He was bad.

Francis: You hired the audience?
Otto: I hated to see him so depressed.

Otto: I don't understand it. I told all of the guests about my Hayride for Lovers on Friday night, and no one signed up.
Francis: Well, most of the guests have children. They can't just abandon them to go on a couples-only hayride.
Otto: We're only allowing couples? Ah, well, then there, there is the solution. We will start a child-care center.
Francis: Ooh, Otto, I don't think...
Otto: It will be wonderful. We will have posture contests, and I can show them slides of my childhood in postwar Germany. They will love it.
Francis: Otto, as great as that idea is, I wouldn't set my heart on it. These people came here to spend time with their families. They're not just going to dump their children the first chance they get.
[cut to a packed daycare center:]
Man: Can we leave them overnight?

Boy: Can I please have some more lemonade?
Otto: What a wonderfully polite little boy. Please, take a sewing kit und a small moisturizer.

Francis: Oh, my God.
Otto: These parents trusted me with their little ones und I've poisoned them. What kind of a monster am I?
Francis: Otto, you made an honest mistake, but everything's gonna be okay. As long as the kids are in here, they're safe. [kid runs out]